Kiss me first buddy

I was watching a movie tonight and there was a line in the movie that made me laugh...not because it was funny in the slightest but because it made me think of something funny that happened to me in the exact same situation.
The scene is thus: a man and wife are going to bed, their toddler son is crashed out in the middle of the bed. The man tries to move him, the wife objects "he's sleeping so soundly"...he says, "I'm sick of waking up with his foot in my face"
I laughed out loud because if that had been the script of my life?

More than once when Hopper was sleeping in our bed did he manage to, in his fitful sleep, jam a toe in my ass.
Do you know what it's like to have a little tiny person shoot his leg out and with great force put his big toe between your buttcheeks?
I do...and you know what?
It's not as cool as it sounds.
And then, when you exclaim( as rightly you should)
"Hey! Shit!"
in the middle of the night and you wake up your whole family? Well, you get scolded. Like you're the one violating people in their sleep.
And, did this ever happen to my ex?
no. And the ironic thing is, his mother used to kick me in her sleep...so I guess having your leg randomly shoot out in your sleep is genetic.
But why was I always getting kicked or poked or prodded? Because all living creatures who have ever lived with me...well except for the turtles I had as a kid...
they have all cuddled up to me in the middle of the night. Not because I'm lovable.
I am a fantastic source of heat.
Sleeping with me is like sleeping with a large, warm, living rock in your bed.
So, the cats, the Black Lab, Turbo, his mom...they all have felt the need to flop all over me...sometimes all of them at the same time. So when it comes time to kick someone (Kristen) or toe fuck someone (turbo) in their sleep, it's me

Then everybody goes back to sleep, except for me, because I am haunted by the sense memory of a toddler toe up my butt.