The Easter Story

Ok, not the Easter story...but My Easter Story.
A few years ago we were at my moms house around Easter time.
My mom asked me if it was ok if she took Turbo to an Easter egg hunt at her church. It was kind of funny how she asked.
I don’t attend church. I am not against church attendance per se it’s just not for me. But sometimes my family acts like I would freak out if they so much as drove Turbo by a church.
When they wanted to play a Veggie Tales video for him I got profuse promises that it would in no way endanger my son.
So when I was asked if he would like to go to the Easter egg hunt I was told there would be no religious indoctrination whatsoever.
I wasn’t scared.
I’m pretty sure it’s not like:
“OK, so first thing: We have a race where the kids balance an egg on a spoon and run 25 yards. Then we have an egg toss with an unboiled egg, then the egg hunt, then everybody gets baptised”
“Sounds good to me…wait, what was that last part?”
So I said “I don’t have a problem with it, let me see if Turbo wants to go”
I talked to him:

Me: do you want to go to the Easter egg hunt with Grandma?
Turbo: what’s an Easter egg hunt?
Me: well the adults hide a bunch of eggs outside and then the kids run around trying to find them.
Turbo: wouldn’t the eggs break?
Me: no, they use hard boiled eggs.
Turbo: oh, I don’t like hard boiled eggs.
Me: me neither. The point isn’t the eggs.
Turbo: doesn’t sound like much fun, finding something I don’t want.
Me: well it’s like a competition to see who can get the most.
Turbo: But why would I want to find the most of something I don’t even like?!
Me: You’re focusing on the wrong part,the point isn’t the eggs it’s the contest!
Turbo: but I don’t want ANY hard boiled eggs!
Me: then don’t do the damn Easter egg hunt, I don’t care!
Turbo: Fine I won’t!

Turbo skipped the Easter egg hunt.

I’m always gratified when one of my friends or family calls and asks for recipe advice or help. I’m a pretty good cook and it’s nice when people look to me for help in that area.
A friend of mine called from WalMart and asked for some tips on au gratin potatoes. I pulled up a recipe for her on the computer. (I’ve never made them before so I couldn't be of much help on my own)
She asked for some ideas of what to serve with it and I suggested green beans.
Is it just me or do green beans always show up whenever ham and au gratin potatoes are around?
Do you think ham is all like, “oh great here comes fuckin’ green beans” and then green beans is all “hey guys what’s up, why didn’t you tell me you were going to be here?” and au gratin is like “oh ,hey green beans….um, you didn’t get my voicemail? Weird”
Anyway.
I gave her a recipe for green beans: Garlic, sauteed in red wine and then tossed with some bacon and the green beans. Bam!
But she wanted to leave out the red wine…and the bacon.
Um, if you are deleting %50 of my recipe then it’s no longer my recipe. Lets say you make some lasagna for your kids:
“Mom, what is this?”
“lasagna”
“but it’s just noodles and ricotta”
“hey if you don’t like it blame Michael it’s his recipe.”
Whatever.
I can only impart the knowledge. What people do with it is their choice.
I made a few adjustments to the au gratin recipe and then emailed it to my friend. I don’t have an oven at my apartment (long story) so I can’t try it out myself…I’ll include it here. If anyone wants to make up a batch and tell me how it is that would be great.


BEST-EVER SCALLOPED POTATOES BITCHES!

4 medium potatoes
milk
shredded cheddar
1 large onion
garlic powder
oregano or some of the "sticky icky" if ya' got it

Scallop potatoes by slicing width-wise to create very thin circles. Thinly slice onion and separate into thin strips. Dance around like a fucking maniac to your favorite Next jam.
Layer alternately: potatoes, onion, cheddar, dash of spices; repeat until casserole dish is 3/4 full. Or until you feel that the dish has "had enough" Top with cheddarnipples.
Pour milk into casserole until it's about 1/2 filled up the sides. Pour remaining milk into a shoe
Bake at 350°F for about 1 1/2 hours until potatoes are tender and sensitive. (sometimes longer for thicker-cut potatoes). Test with fork, let sit for 10 minutes before serving.
Leave a small portion on your back porch for the Gypsies.

I hope she appreciated the change I made.

High School Is a Brutal Buisness

In high school I had a good friend named Dave. His brother Reese got his first car from his mom. It had a horn.
A special horn.
It had this control box about the size of a paperback book. It had a dozen or so buttons and each one played a different tune.
It was like the ringtone of the 80's. It would honk out Dixie, the Mexican hat dance, La Cucaracha etc.

Reese's best friend was Scott.
(Scott later became our best friend because we rocked and Reese didn't. Reese can invest the hell out of your money for you...but he was never much fun to party with.)
We would roll up to a light and stop....if the person in the car next to us was a young lady
(or better yet? Ladies.)
Scott would glance back into the back seat, give Dave and myself the nod and we would all drop down so that it appeared to onlookers that Reese was traveling alone.
If it was a Black girl he'd play Dixie. Hispanic girl? La Cucaracha.
Then Scott would say, "did she look?"
Reese would would say, without moving his lips "Yeah, she looked. Now get up."
Scott would hit it again." now what?"
Reese: knock it off! She's giving me dirty looks!
Scott would hit it once more.
Reese: Ok cut the shit! She just flipped me off and rolled up her window!
The great thing about this was that Reese couldn't do what he wanted most in the world to do which was to yell and scream at us.
Bad enough that he appears to be an asshole for repeatedly honking his obnoxious horn but to be seen yelling to himself, like a maniac in an empty car, would be too much.

(actual) good deeds

I sometimes write about my "good deed of the week"
You'll notice this feature doesn't actually happen every week.
That's because my "good deed" is usually me having a perfect opportunity to be a dick to somebody and not taking it.
Clearly a rare event. My sister used to introduce me to her friends thusly: "this is my brother Michael, he's an asshole."

This weeks good deed was an actual good deed.
I was sitting at the intersection nearest my house. It's a complicated affair with freeway on and off ramps, weird angle cross streets and complicated traffic light cycles. Frankly I'm surprised their aren't more accidents.
I notice a guy pushing his car across this intersection by himself. I pause a beat and realize all the people in their cars that are closer to this poor guy than I am are just going to watch.
Including a police officer.
So I jump out and sprint across the intersection and I hit his car running. I'm digging hard to get this guys car moving faster. It takes a moment and then the guy looks back at me with a surprised look on his face.
"what, you thought you suddenly got super strong?"
He laughed, said thanks and I got him over to the shoulder. I turned and sprinted back to my car...and for my good deed the lady behind me at the light gave me an unkind look.
Fuck you lady.
You know what gets me about this? When I lived in Portland or Austin I would not have been the only person to help push the car...but here I live in a town that is so overtly "Christian" and there were at least 8 people closer to the action than me that were looking at their watches wondering how long we would take to get out of their way.
Pathetic.
I don't mean to indict Christians, but the odds of at least one of those people being a practicing churchgoer is pretty high, yet not a single person flinched...not even one guy getting out of his car at the last minute going "did you need me to...oh you got it? 'cause I was gonna'...ok cool.."
So... my good deed of the week, I pushed the hell out of some dudes car.

Today I am Japanese!

Turbo has multiple grandmas.
Before he was born we asked all the grandmas what they wanted for their name. One picked Grandma Gee...she was called Gee by my sister when she was little so it seemed fitting. Fine.
One picked Gramma Bunny...because she likes bunnies and collects bunnies...
we actually had a little issue with this one. "Bunny" is not the kind of name you can give yourself. If the little ones happen to notice you have a shitload of bunnies laying about fine...but you can't pick it.
So I told "Gramma Bunny"
(where is the sarcasm button?!...I'm still getting used to my new laptop.)
That she needs to think of something else.
Then a funny thing happened. My Ex started sarcastically referring to her as Gramma Bunny.
IE, the phone rings she looks at caller ID and says, "you get it, it's Gramma Bunny"
(where the hell is that sarcasm button?!)
So it stuck.
You won this round Gramma Bunny.
Then My ex's mom chose Nana.
She would. Boring, predictable, stupid.
Perfect.
(look, nobody likes her,OK? I'm not being mean)
So...fast forward 6 years. Nana is coming out to visit. We live in this tiny little house in Flagstaff that was built around the same time as the university. It has hard-wood floors that if you drop a marble in the dining room it rolls all the way to the front door. It is a funky little abode.
But Nana has to put a nice sheen on everything so she spends a lot of her visit wandering our cottage saying "cozy, cozy, cozy"
Because it would not be nice to say..."man this crib is Tiny!"
We are getting ready to go see the Grand Canyon and she says "Well, you're not a real American until you've gone to see the Grand Canyon"
Because she cannot help but filth the air with platitudes.
And a friend of ours says, " No you're not a real Japanese until you've seen the Grand Canyon"
(did you know that the Grand Canyon is absolutely Lousy with Japanese?)

So. We arrive at Le Canyon Grande Merde!
and Turbo steps out of the vehicle, stretches a bit and then boldly, loudly, proudly declares, with arms thrown wide in dramatic declaration:

TODAY I AM JAPANESE!
NOW, I AM REALLY JAPANESE TODAY!!


Cozy, cozy, cozy.

Confessions Of A Closet Pen Geek

I like pens.
My sister likes purses.
We are the kind of people that will spend quadruple what you would spend at Target to get a nice piece.
(don't lie Christina.....Umm, Coach? hello?)
I own somewhere between $500 and $1,000 ( retail) worth of pens....I have 4.
A Mont Blanc, Waterman, Shaffer and a no name.
My workhorse is actually kind of a sleeper (the no name). It's not a name brand per se ( or "For Say"...for those of you in the inner circle of stupid inside jokes)
It's something you can get for $30 at an office supply chain.
But I have to say...it passes the test of price VS. quality with flying colors.
I own pens made of better material that write better and cause people to say, "nice pen"...but not at this price point.
It's a pen I can use every day at work, it performs admirably...yet, if I lose it, it won't break my heart.
So, the one I had fouled up and I brought it in to exchange.
When I got my new pen the kid said " you wanna test it?"
I said "Sure" and wrote something on the pad he shoved in front of me.
I proceeded to tell him that 90% of people, when testing a writing instrument, write their name.
It stands to reason. Aside from: the, a, an, it, and , as...etc. what word do you write more often than your own name?
So I get my new pen (a brushed aluminum Foray Focus) and head out the door.
As I reach the threshold I look back to see the kid turn the pad around to see what I have written:

BIG DICK DADDY FROM CINCINNATI

Pretty much everybody writes their name.

The voice Of God Sounds Like Dick Cheney Talking Into a Coffee Can

Do you remember when Bush/Cheney took office and Cheney had a secret meeting with a bunch of top executives from the oil industry? He refused to reveal what was discussed in the meeting other than "future energy policy."
The documents have been unsealed and basically what they were discussing was a plan to attack Iraq to secure the oil rights for American companies.
They had maps of the oil fields. They worked on issues such as how do we go about nullifying deals that Iraq already had in place to allow Russia to drill...you know, minor details.
All of this of course took place prior to 9/11.

I remember being a little baffled when Bush came out and said we were going to invade Iraq...
Afghanistan at least made some sense.
But Iraq?
I only now just put this together...but do you recall Bush saying that God spoke to him?
I bet when they were trying to convince Bush of this hair brained scheme even he was a little confused
"So we attacked Afghanistan 'cause that's where those bad Saudi guys came from....but why are we going to Iraq?"
I'm picturing him getting all confused by their stupid excuses, "Yellow cake uranium? Sounds delicious!"
So they set up a Chinese screen and a chair in the Oval office:
"Hey Mr. President, we're thinking about putting some more of these chairs in the White House, can you sit here and tell us what you think?"

GW: OK, did you know I can tell if a chair is comfortable just by sitting in it?
(Dick Cheney sidles up on the other side of the screen with an empty Folgers coffee can)
DC: (talking into the can) George, can you hear me?
GW: Is that you Mr. Cheney?
DC: What? No! It's me God.
GW: oh, 'cause you sound a lot like Mr. Cheney talking into a coffee can.
DC: Ummm yeah I get that a lot.
GW: Mr. Cheney scares me, God. He's like The Emperor in Star Wars.
DC:Uhh, yeah it's ok, don't be scared for I am the Lord? Anyway, look I need to talk to you about Iraq.
GW: Oh man! I was just talking about this with Mr. Cheney! He thinks we should invade them and stuff.
DC: Mr. Cheney is a very wise man, you should invade Iraq. Saddam Hussein is an evil man. He must be taken out.
GW: Is he eviler than The Emperor?
DC: (sigh) Yes George, much more evil than The Emperor.
GW: ok God I'll do it.
DC: Good boy George...before I go I have one other thing to discuss with you...have you been hiding Mr. Cheney's heart pills from him?
GW: Heh, heh, heh, yeah I have been doing that. It's funny he gets all mad and his face turns red..
DC: George, do you realize that he could die without those pills? Do you know what would happen if Mr. Cheney died?
GW: Umm no..
DC: Then you would have to be in charge of the country and you would have to make the decisions instead of Mr. Cheney. Do you want that George?
GW: NO! I won't do it anymore I swear!
DC: Good, so no more shenanigans?
GW: Heh, heh, heh...that's what Mr Cheney Always yells at me "George! No more shenanigans!"

One big ass balloon story

Turbo and I were driving along one day and I saw a balloon floating high above a new housing development. I made a comment "look at that big balloon"
Turbo wasn't impressed.
I tried to make him understand that it happened to be a huge fucking balloon.
No dice.
We went back and forth a bit as to whether or not it was actually all that big until I finally got fed up and I stopped the car and got out and began hauling this balloon in....
Oh, for perspective?
We were in a Honda Crx...in case you haven't heard? That's a tiny little car.
I wanted turbo to see the balloon looming, towering over our car so he would see how big the balloon is because, honestly, you can't let a 8 year old win the argument when the subject is a big balloon.
As I'm hauling in my catch a man comes out onto his balcony which is less than 50 feet from where we are, and yells at me, " hey that's not yours!"
Oh, really? I lost a giant fucking balloon and I thought maybe this was mine....
So I yell back "Ok, thank you" and ignore him.

Super Uptight Suburban White Guy: I'm calling the police !"
Me: And telling them what?!
SUSWG: ......
Me: You gonna tell them that a guy is attempting to steal a balloon that is twice the size of his car?
SUSWG:......
Me: or maybe you could say that someone is attempting to hide a CRX inside a giant balloon?
SUSWG: That's not yours!
Me: You said that already!
The guy goes into the house. I get the balloon down next to our car so he can appreciate this ginormous balloon and Turbo has the absolute appropriate Turbo response in this moment, "Huh...that is a big balloon. Can we go get pizza now?"

If I thought for one second that the police would have actually shown up I would have stuck around.
I can't tell you how much I would have loved to have had that conversation.

The Secret Thumb

It is my firm belief that if you want me to keep a secret for you, the first step is that you need to tell me it's a secret.
When my brother was born he had an extra thumb.
He was a 'miracle baby' so it was cool, I guess.
(my step mom was not supposed to be able to conceive but then along comes The Great Wazoo)
So there we are, he's 5 I'm 15, and he is looking at this tiny scar on his hand.

Waz: you know what's weird? I have this scar, but I don't know how I got it.
Me: that's where they cut off your extra thumb dude

Hang on.
At this point, I am just about the ultimate prick older brother. I love my 2 younger siblings but they were keeping me from being a spoiled only child and so they had to pay for the offense, sorry.
I was a benevolent but harsh older brother.
I protected them, but I had no time for their shit.
So , clearly he is not about to believe me when I tell him he showed up with an extra digit.
So, Waz runs to his mom, "did I have an extra thumb!?"
Michael!
Look..... I didn't know it was a secret.

Then, a year or so later?
My sister and Waz and I are chilling around an inflatable pool or water filled bucket or something, and I say " do you ever wonder what Janon and Joey are up to?"
Waz says "who are Joey and Janon?"
"Ummm....
Hey, look...
Ok between my mom and your mom? Our dad was married to this woman Joelee?"

Nuh-unh!
Eh...yeah.
Moooom!....

Michael!
Yeah.
You want to have everybody keep your secret? Tell everybody it's a secret.
Oh...and I am pretty sure Christina ruined the whole Santa Claus thing.

The Governor of Montana rules!

He doesn't just rule the state of Montana...he kicks ass.
I was listening to an interview he did on NPR. The reason they were talking to him is that the federal government is requiring that states send out a letter promising that once the Fed comes up with guidelines for a national ID card, whatever the requirements are, the states will abide by them.
Get it?
We the federal government are going to enact a program that will cost the states money and we will come up with some guidelines...later...like 7 or 8 years...but you have to agree to the terms now.
Plus?
The way you get this card?
Show up at your local DMV with a birth certificate and get the card....but is there a standardized birth certificate?
No.
Give me a few hours and a decent printer and I'll make you a birth certificate.
So Gov. Schweitzer told the fed to go F_ themselves.
In the interview he basically says that the fed comes up with hairbrained schemes all the time and usually Montana just ignores them and then if it comes to a head they tell the fed to go to hell.
Rock on.
The Montana legislature passed a bill that said 'we will not abide by these rules'. It passed by a 151-o vote.
Might I just inject, this is one of my biggest pet peeves about the political right.
When it will save them money they say, "states rights! keep the fed out!"
But, when it comes to issues the Right is obsessed with?
IE: Abortion, weed, death with dignity, gay marriage?
Well, all of a sudden the fed has something to say. Suddenly the states can't supersede the federal government.
All of a sudden when it comes time to infringe on our rights: wire tap, ID cards?
Now the fed is all up in our business.
So The Governor ain't havin' it.
The fed basically said if the deadline passes and the state hasn't sent the letter it's the same as if the Montana citizen is showing up without an ID.
The best part of the interview?
The interviewer basically says, 'what happens when the deadline passes and a person with a Montana ID tries to board a plane'?
His response?
" They board the plane. Blah blah blah deadline"
I assure you, he said "Blah blah blah deadline"
The federal government says some shit, and he says, "Blah blah blah"

The Governor of Montana fucking rocks.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=87991791

I have been following the primaries pretty closely. Right now there is a trend in the campaign reporting that is driving me nuts.
The line of reasoning goes like this,
"Sure Obama has more delegates, more states etc. But he hasn't won "the big states" California, New York etc. Therefore Hilary is the more viable candidate because those "big" states" are the Democrats core states and a crucial win for them."
I have several problems with this.
I haven't seen a single person on any of the talk shows say anything to contradict this bit of "conventional wisdom".
So I will.

1) The primaries are within the party. So, Obama lost to Hilary in those states, which only means Hilary would beat Barak in the general election in those states. It doesn't indicate how he would do against McCain.
Are we to assume that in the general election ALL the people who voted for Hilary in the primaries would not vote for Obama?
No, the opposite is true. Most of those Hilary supporters would vote for Obama over McCain in that case. So the Dems still win California and New York.

2) Why are the votes in states that are classic Dem states (California, New York?) more important than ones that are not? Logically wouldn't you want someone who is strong in states where you are traditionally weak?
If you have a guy that can perform in "the big states" (as I have shown he will) and maybe gain some ground in "the little states" that would be an advantage.

3) If the number of votes/delegates picked up in "the little" states is greater than in the "big states" that's good, right? If you have more votes/delegates then you win, regardless of where the votes came from, right?

This is annoying me.
Barak has more votes (by 500,000 something ).
He has more delegates. (by a couple hundred)
He has won 27 states to her 15.*
In all measurable regards he is winning but because Hilary won a few
"big states" we have to listen to this BS.
If this was the general election at this point Obama would be the winner. More votes, more states, more delegates= winner. We wouldn't be listening to stupid crap about "well McCain won more of the "big states"

* Michigan and Florida don't count. Sorry, but they broke the rules and they knew their delegates wouldn't be counted. Barak didn't campaign in either state and wasn't even on the ballot one state. Hilary can't count as a win a state when hers was the only name on the ballot. That's like saying Kruschev "won" his premiership.

Warning may contain annoying content

I sometimes like to troll through blogger just clicking to the next blog to see what I might randomly come across.
I don't know how to say this without sounding mean...but enough with the "Baby Blogs"
I know you're so proud of Riley Nicole or Dustin Carmichael or whatever.
I get that you want to let friends and family know about every little poop The Miracle issues forth...
but we, the Rest Of The World, don't really care.
Sorry if that sounds rude but it's the truth.
If there were any justice in this world I would be able to click "flag blog" whenever I cam across a "baby blog" and then when the next unfortunate soul accidentally comes across the blog a warning would pop up giving the user the right to skip over such content. Like they do with "adult content"?

I guess it'll have to wait until I'm President King.
(oh, and if I see another blog written from the perspective of a 6 week old child
"momma says she's breastfeeding me because it's oh-so-much better for my tummy"
I will hunt you down and pimp slap you.)
(I really need to keep my pimp hand strong...I've been backsliding on that)

Dreams

How much stock do you put in dreams?
I am very fascinated by dreams.
...I have extremely vivid, bizarre ones.
I know everybody thinks their dreams are weird...
trust me they aren't.
Last night I dreamt I got tagged by an E250 Econoline van...
just ....ran the fuck over...
And in my dream, I stunted and rolled a bit and then walked
away...We were on our way to a fancy restaurant...I was leading a rag-tag crew to the safety of a high class joint...and then I got ran down by a CARGO VAN...and sort of juked and side-stepped and then kept leading the pack to the promised land of a foodie paradise...
What the hell does that mean?
I'm sure I don't know.
I could go on and on, but rest assured, your dreams are not as strange as mine and be thankful they aren't. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying I have stopped trying to tell people about the stranger ones because I get that look from people like I' m a crazy person..
I am pretty sure, having dreams like mine are a true sign of mental instability...
I could tell you about them...but I won't...

How can someone so smart act so stupid?

That is a paraphrase of a question someone very close to me has asked me numerous times over the years.
The only answer I have ever had is:
I don't know.
Last night I was getting out of my work clothes and for some reason I had massive trouble getting my right hand out of the sleeve...then I remembered it had been bit of a pain getting the right hand in...
so of course my analytic mind goes into overdrive to figure out why one hand goes easy and the other does not....
Clearly one hand is larger than the other!
I start to panic...
Why do I have one big hand?! ....Have I been masturbating excessively?!
I do switch hands....but still....could I have over-muscled my right hand?!

Right about then my rational mind says "well, unbutton the sleeve to get your Giant hand free"
Oh, wait...I have one sleeve buttoned on the first button...
and one on the second

So...good news ?
I don't have One Gigantic Hand...
Bad news?
I'm a fucking retard who can barely operate a dress shirt.