On the Lot

When you sell cars for a living you spend a lot of time BS'ing and doing nothing.
I walked up to a couple of salesmen talking today and one guy was describing the scene in the Deer Hunter in which they are playing Russian roulette....
I said,"Oh, umm...that's from "Little Orphan Annie" right?"
and the guy says, "no, the Deer Hunter."
and then continues on with his story.
when he gets done he turns to me and says
"you said that for comedic purposes I assume?"

That is the most parched-dry SOB I know. He did not for a second say what he said for comedic purposes.

Happy Halloween

This year Turbo is going as Random Item the Third.
I'm not totally clear on what that is going to look like, other than to say he will be carrying a random collection of crap.
Not much of a costume as far as I can tell.
BUT. I'm pretty sure it's better than the year his mom dressed him as a "beautiful cloud" and he came this close to turning out gay....
When he lived with me he was a lawyer one year and Calvin Coolidge the next.
the year before those 2 he was the cutest Pikachu you have ever seen... but that was the last year of what I think of as ' explicable costumes'.
Ever-after you have needed an explanation for what the hell he is supposed to be)
Ironically (or not) the lawyer and "Silent Cal" dressed very much the same.
(man, he loved that suit)
When he was Silent Cal he got mistaken for Harry Potter...
hang on, let me drop a little history on you first ....Calvin Coolidge was so nicknamed because as a president he had not much to say, in fact he didn't do much as president. He was the ultimate "small government" president.
He coined the phrase "the business of America is business" one of the most boring catch phrases a president could possibly be known for.

Come on people, let me throw out a few for comparison:
" Read my lips, no new taxes" Bush the first
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton the first
"I'm the decider" Bush the second


Ok, some serious ones?
"the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt
"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country." JFK
(is that not one of the most awesome quotes ever?)
"It's the economy stupid " William Jefferson Clinton
"speak softly but carry a big stick" Teddy Roosevelt...
BTW, what is it with the Roosevelts?

Anyway.
Turbo is a lawyer and his buddy is a ninja.
We went to McDonald's first and his buddy peed on his nun chucks and I threw them out.
No reason to mention that, other than, a ninja accidentally peeing on his nun chucks is pretty funny.
We get to the first door and the lady cheerfully asks, "what are you two dressed as ?"
Turbo's buddy says
"I'm a ninja..and he's my lawyer"
and Turbo takes one of my cards and slips it to her.
I say "lotta' litigation involved with being a ninja"

all of this is improve.

that was a good year.
we get back to the house and the guys want to trade candy.
This, at best,seems like a powder keg of hurt feelings finger pointing and animosity.
I lay out some ground rules, set up a physical apparatus to trade and walk away.
No fights break out, everything is genial and calm.
They signal they are done and I go look to see how things have panned out.
The only way to describe it is, Turbo's pile was Massive compared to his pal's
I say, "You guys all good with the way it worked out?"
they both affirm it is totally cool and go to play video games.

Later I get turbo alone.
"Hey, your pile is way bigger than your buddies."
"yeah but he has more stuff"
I ask him to explain it to me.
He informs me that he traded all his hard candy, sweet-tarts, gum and suckers at a three to one ratio for chocolate and carmel.
Brilliant. Trade the chaff for the wheat at a 3 to1 ratio and you still come out miles ahead.
That's my boy.

Have they fingered the gene for negotiation skills?

Your New World Champions!

Definitly it is not going to be the Rockies.
It's kind of cute to see the enthusiasm of the Rockies fans. They haven't been here before; they are not quite sure what to do with themselves...
I am a Dodgers fan. I remember the day that Reggie Jackson took my innocence from me back in October of '77...
I also remember when he hit 3 homers in one world series game....
See what I did there? I implied he molested me in addition to hitting those home runs. Ahh good times..
On a serious note? When I am President King I will have Reggie to the White House and I will punch him in the face.
Then I will put George Steinbrenner on trial for tax evasion and once he realizes that we are not going to stop until he is bankrupt we will offer him a deal. He can plea out and walk away and his only punishment is that he can never so much as watch a baseball game again, let alone ruin the game any further.
When I am president king the salary cap will be respected dammit!

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.
Last night I saw an interesting bit of parenting going on at Coors Field.
There was a kid with a sign.
Wait.
First, what the hell is that?
I have never taken a sign to the ballpark. Never even thought about it.
What kind of person does that?
"Lets see I like crafts, I like the game, and I am a complete attention whore...Ima' make a sign."
So there they are in the outfield, holding up the sign
"HIT THE BALL HERE" and a big bull's eye in the middle.
fine....except? There is a hole in the middle of the bull's eye and out from that hole pops little Chad's head.
How does that happen?

DAD: you know hun' I am super excited about these World Series tickets we got here.
MOM: me too baby! Whoo-we I can't wait.
DAD: you know what would make it super awesome for me?
MOM: if I gave you a BJ while we was watchin' the game?
DAD: well that too baby....but I was thinkin'....what if it was bottom of the 9th, 2 out, Rockies down by 3, bases loaded, Hawp comes up and hits a home run right to us...
MOM: perfect!
DAD: wait, hang on...and then the home run hits little Chad here right in his stupid face!
MOM: oh baby that would be better than our honeymoon at Talledega and the time you won $20 on that scratcher ticket combined!
DAD: I know! But how we gonna' make that happen?
MOM: Umm, a big ass sign?

That's just a guess...

Here's one about Waz

My little brother, the Great Wazoo AKA Waz, used to go to my baseball games and shadow my dad and shout out instruction just like my dad.
"Get your head in the game!"
"keep your eye on the ball"
that sort of thing.
That's one fact.
Separate from that fact my dad used to refer to people of Hispanic descent who he found to be of low economic standing/criminals/ or illegal aliens as "wetbacks"
I am not going to try to defend him in any way other than to say that I can't say I ever saw him overtly discriminate against anyone in any fashion. He thought of everybody equally as scum of the earth. Oakies, spades, wetbacks it was all the same to him. Everybody was guilty of something until you could prove it to him otherwise.
whatever.

One day we were driving in the car and we were adjacent to a strawberry field. A bunch of pickers started jaywalking in front of us and Waz looked out, saw a group of Hispanic guys in baseball caps and he yelled out:

"PLAY BALL, WETBACKS!"

What's with all the cursing?

I am so completely adept at dropping the f bomb...I have thought about this a lot actually.
I know for some people they could do without all the curse words...I tend to write it all in one shot and then spell check/ edit and sometimes I do tone it down a little...

On the one hand I think about taking out most of the cursing to make it more palatable for others...but on the other hand it would be self censorship and part of the beauty of writing this blog is that it's completely mine.
I don't answer to anyone as to content or subject matter.
Having said that...there are some funny things that I just don't write here because it may be too much....
I was thinking of a funny joke today about what would be the worst Good News / Bad News....the jist of it?
Good news ? you don't have hemorrhoids...bad news? you do have anal herpes...
(it's related to the itchy butthole blog from a couple of posts ago) And I have said too much already.
Trust me when I tell you it is very funny and very wrong...

So what's the answer?
A dual blog? one where I just let it fly and one where I copy/paste to another blog and then take out all the colorful language?
But then we wouldn't have such gems as "do I look like a fucking ass monkey? Well do I?!"
Or a sentence such as: "if I see a CD by a band and it's "the best of" or "greatest hits" and I know for an empirical fact that they have never done anything but shit in our ears?"
Come on! I happen to think that is a jewel of a sentence. How much more evocative and descriptive can you get than "shit in our ears?" to describe a band that has consistently taken a dump on us musically?

So a dual blog just won't do.

Should I do this: "S*** in our ears"? I think the effect is kind of the same, you hear the word in your head even if you don't see it on the page.

I'm willing to listen to ideas...But I certainly can't start saying "motherfudger" and stupid crap like that...

(although motherfudger is a funny word )

the best post ever...

I have this thing where if I see a CD by a band and it's "the best of" or "greatest hits" and I know for an empirical fact that they have never done anything but shit in our ears?
I get a little annoyed.
so.
once I have made 100 posts I would like to have a contest to see what is the number one all time greatest( so far) post...
the people will vote...
unfortunately at this point "the people" will only be 3 or 4 people voting (and that's if we manage some kind of astronomical poll turnout of 95- 100 %)
at any rate I would be curious to see what "the people" think is the best one...

geeze, how the fuck can i get more people to read this garbage? any ideas?

ps: new record! spell check only came up with 1 correction. spell check doesn't recognize "geeze" i guess...fuck spell check in that regard...
I rule!

Youtube Bitches

I was going to try to buy tickets to the Rockies game. My master plan was to buy 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday and then sell the Saturday tickets because I have to work and go to the Sunday game...unless I got an unholy amount of money for the first 2 in which case I would sell the second 2 and buy myself a big honkin' tv and still have some profit left over....
but it was not to be. I couldn't get onto the site...
While I was waiting I watched a few videos.

Butter!
Why is this guy always running everywhere?

You fucking hammered me!
This is why we have youtube. So much about this is so funny that I don't know where to begin...
The way he keeps saying "we're not doing this" or "stop fucking with me"...
It starts out great when he first gets shot and he makes a noise like "aurgh!" and then lands on his face and then just gets better from there...

I would call this karma
I just love when somebody is engaged in the exploitation of animals and then the animal rears back and punches them in the face.

I love the classics

One word , nun chucks!
You must watch it twice. The second time around you have to take note of the arrogant little head flip he gives to start out.

I almost feel sorry for the woman. Almost
Is there something about wearing a Karate Suit that qualifies you to handle bears?
(yes I do know that he is technically wearing a Gi, i just refuse to call it that when the person in it is so clearly an ass monkey)
I really like how the voice over says that the bear then attacks one of the woman's rescuers...um no he latches onto the leg of one of his handlers which as far as I'm concerned deserved to be mauled a little better. I think the bear kind of half-assed it on the guy.


Ok, so feel free to share your favorite youtube links. They don't have to involve morons getting injured, but it can't hurt

I mentioned I crack myself up, right?

I walked up to a huddle of people,
I said "what are you talking about?"
Briana said, "Blades of Glory, the movie"
I said, "not Blades of Glory the novel?"

Turbo Set Me Up!

Turbo kept making the phrase "my hairy balls" the punchline to his conversations.
I finally got tired of that joke and said "hey, quit saying that"
he said
"what?, they are hairy"

that little fucker set me up.
who uses puberty as a conversational weapon?

Awww, Precious Moments

We have a salesman, John, who has a son that delivers pizzas.
He is at the dealership once in a while bringing pizza to his dad.
Tonight he was there and as he was leaving his dad hugged him.
How sweet.
What I saw was a dad hugging his teen aged son.
What my customer saw was a salesman hugging the pizza boy.

I said "that's John, he's very affectionate."

Did I mention I crack myself up?

Another Turbo Story

We were at a wedding. In July. In Florida.
Who does that?
At any rate I was in an exaggerated state of ass sweat.
My butt was itchy, ok?!
So I am doing that little dance where you are hoping to not look like you have an itchy ass but really you are trying to somehow get your ass to itch itself?
It never works.
So Turbo says, "why are you walking like that daddy?"
"don't worry about it"
but the little guy won't let it go. He keeps asking me about it.
We are out on this balcony and I'm letting him play in the water that has melted around the keg and I finally break down and scratch at my butt.
"is your butt itchy?"
"yes, it's itchy"
then he says, and I'm sure he said it in a normal voice, but to me it sounded like he was yelling

"you should wipe your butt better!"

"hey, shut it! I wipe just fine. I'm sweating a lot here."

"no, I had the same problem! mom said it was because I didn't wipe good!"

that boy is lucky to be alive.

I Feel Like Telling A Few Turbo Stories

When Turbo was about 3 or 4 he got it in his head that if he hadn't yawned yet then he must not be tired and therefore was not subject to bedtime rules.
Right.
So I figured I would outsmart the kid; use a little psychological warfare.
We are aware that yawning is contagious. The latest scientific theory suggests that it is borne out of empathy. It's a theory, whatever.
So I start in with the yawning.
One yawn.
Nothing from the boy.
Another yawn, this one even bigger.
Nothing. Is he even human?
Third yawn...you know what the little cuss says?
"Daddy, I think you should go to bed, you seem tired"

Parenting is hard when you have a little genius.

I Crack Myself Up

Walking through the supermarket tonight I overheard one stocker say to another in Spanish "which came first the chicken or the egg"
As I was walking past I said "El pollo! No mas preguntas!"* And strode by imperiously with one finger in the air.
I resisted the temptation to look over my shoulder and see the reaction.


* for those of you who do not hablo the es-pan-yole that means "the chicken! No more questions!"

LEV,ULEV, SULEV, PZEV

The automotive industry is under pressure from the federal government to further and further reduce emissions.
That's a good thing.
The automotive industry is constantly revising it's engines and creating new technology to achieve the goals set for them by the government.
Great.
So they have these various designations...
low emissions vehicle....LEV
ultra low emissions vehicle....ULEV(see where this is headed?)
super low emissions vehicle...SULEV
and now we have the latest technology...
Oh, I have to say, "super low" kind of annoyed me, but I'll let that slide....
Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle...PZEV
Partial Zero?
what the fuck is a partial zero?
zero is an absolute. either you emit zero emissions, or you emit, oh I don't know....some quantifiable fucking number of emissions!

I would have rather they called it Super Uber Duper Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle.
SUDULEV
It would sound like a Russian chess champion or something...

I have now adopted this as a numerical value in my daily life.
"Dude, you have a partial zero chance of that woman going out with you "

This fucking town....

Or I would have bitch slapped a guy tonight.

I don't know what it is with people here.
I had 2 people verbally confront me in the last few days.
On Sunday I was coming out of Barnes and Noble. There was a woman in front of me.
She walked out door number one, I followed.
She walked out of door number two, again, I followed.
As we got out side she spat over her shoulder, "you're welcome "
I was taken aback.
"for what?"
"I held the door for you"
"no, you walked out the door and I followed you."
"I'm trying to set an example for my daughter"
I looked at the girl, about 8 years old, "well she's sure showing you how to be rude to strangers"
I really wanted to say, "you know physically you're attractive...until you open your mouth, then you're quite ugly"
I refrained, but still WTF?
Even if she had held the door for me? What kind of lesson is it for your kid that you demand people thank you when you do something nice?
I didn't know we did things like holding a door for someone simply because we want to be thanked.
Whatever.
Then tonight I was going to the supermarket ( I still needed food after the Whole Foods fiasco)
As I was pulling into the parking lot. Two guys on bikes were coming towards me. I judged that I had plenty of time so instead of stopping for Lance Armstrong and Greg Lemonde....or whoever these ass clowns were pretending to be...
I would at this moment like to point out, this was two middle aged, middle class guys on bikes dressed in matching outfits.
They were both sporting the official jersey AND shorts of some cycling team.
Ok, when I was in my teens and rabidly into cycling, did I wear cycling shorts?
yes.
Did I wear a cycling jersey?
On long rides, yes.
Did I ever wear the team uniform of my favorite cyclist?
hell no. and if my friend ever showed up wearing the exact same damn clothes?
well, one of us has got to change.
I just picture them leaving the house:
"OK, this time I'm Lance Armstrong, who are you going to be?"
"no fair! you always get to be Lance Armstrong! Why don't you be Greg Lemonde and I'll be Lance."
"oh, you want me "kick it old school" (he nerdily puts air quotes around his words)
"well fine I'll be Eddie Merckx "
"No way! You might as well say, 'oh I'm Jesus'

anyway, this jackoff turns the corner and follows me into the parking lot.
He pulls up next to me and says something.
I turn down the stereo and say "I'm sorry, my music was too loud, what did you say to me?"
he rattles off my license plate and says "reckless driving !" and then oh so dramatically whips out a cell phone from his fanny pack.
"Thanks Lance" I say.
I park and start walking to the store and there he is on his cell. He jestures with the phone as if to say "see"
I say, "have at it Deputy Dog"
I was tempted to walk over to him and say "do you want to perform the citizens arrest now, or can I go buy some groceries?" and of course I would place my hands together as if to be cuffed.
I am glad I'm 38 and I just went and bought my food.
Less than 10 years ago, I might have gone over and pushed him off the fucking bike.

I really think a big part of the problem is this town is so insular and coddled.
In Los Angeles if that woman pulls that "you're welcome" crap? She gets told "shut up bitch" and the next time she feels like opening her snotty little yap she thinks twice.
Same thing with the guy on the bike. Pick any city of any size, a true urban center?
He pulls this "you're reckless!" garbage?
Odds are the offender will politely wait for him to get off the phone and then say "so, the police on the way? No? Oh they have actual crimes to attend to instead of listening to your bitch ass? Ok well BLAP! there's your black eye"
I'm not saying that the right way to handle it would be violence, but the people in this town feel as if they can just shoot their mouth off and get in your buisness, when really they should mind their own fucking buisness.

I'm glad I didn't go have words with the guy, I might have a warrant for "mean talking with intent to grievously hurt feelings"

This fucking town.

Oh The Humanity !

I was just at Whole Foods, which usually leaves me feeling like a sophisticated European.
Not this time.
The nightmare started when I wandered into the cheese section. Normally this is a happy place for me. I like cheese very much. I like stinky cheese in fact.
The best cheese I have ever tasted smelled like a combination of foot and ass...and other scent notes which I will mercifully spare you.
So what did I spy lurking malevolently disguised as something edible? Some smoked Gouda. That's a pretty safe cheese, all things considered.
Not this bastard.
It tasted like bitter, tangy rancid smoke. Not smokey mind you. It tasted like I just did a shot of liquid smoke.
And it was downright slimy.
I swallowed it whole and fought off the urge to scrape the lining of my tongue with my hand.
I staggered into the meat department .....and was tricked by some goddamn sausage!
It looked like regular Bratwurst but was in fact made with veal.
It was gamy and funky and not at all reminiscent of what Bratwurst is supposed to taste like.
I grabbed a bottled water and swished it around and swallowed.
The waves of funky nausea subsided a bit. I was breathing from the mouth like a drunk trying not to throw up.
I wandered towards the produce section. I was considering a palate cleanser such as an apple when what did I get waylayed by in the seafood department?
A dainty little crustini covered in cream cheese, smoked salmon and a little fresh dill. I am not making this up, the dill even made it to the show!
I was like Mr Howell seeing a case of caviar wash up on Gilligans Island.
I put in my mouth and knew I had made a mistake immediately.
That fucking salmon ganged up with the veal and the smoked Gouda to synergisticly create the worst taste in my mouth ever.
When it was all done I wound up with a taste like a french cab driver had just stuck his index finger in my mouth.
I felt like crying.

I bought my bottle of water and a pack of gum and fled.

I'm Gonna Nutshell It Fo' Ya'...Flava Flav!

Ok it has come to my attention that I may need to clarify my Kantian blog from earlier.
At the expense of sounding extremely contradictory to the assertion that I am deeply interested in further study of Transcendental Idealism?
This is some deep shit.
So, to sum it up? The basic premise is:

Perception Is Reality.

seems pretty simple,
right? but when you dig further into it, expand the application, it can explain so much of the conflict that we experience, on a micro or meta level.
I recently was extremely pissed off at GW Bush. (what's new there 'eh?)
But his perception of the situation is that 3 million or so kids of working parents really don't need to have health insurance...I see it differently...but who knows who is right? That's meta...
But on a micro level, all the time I see people around me getting angry about perceived slights and I wonder why they are so angry...but then I got all pissed off about being carded...
so if you can keep in mind that your perception of things is your reality and somebody Else's perception of the same information is their reality and it will most certainly not be identical to your own...
maybe we can make some room for forgiveness and understanding and stop for a second and think that while I feel certain that I am right and the other person may be just as certain because their reality is anywhere from slightly to radically different from your own but not necessarily wrong..
I guess this is why I have such a problem with oppressive moralists. It drives me nuts to hear any religious leader justify treating people in a fashion that Jesus would not.... the WWJD thing? I wish people really lived that.
I assure you:
Jesus would NOT protest in front of abortion clinics and advocate the murder of doctors.
Jesus would not tell gay people they are not welcome in his church.
Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
I once saw a completely fancy tricked out expensive luxury car with a WWJD sticker on it?
hey, you wonder WWMD?
I put a little note on the car that said "I think Jesus would have bought a completely wonderful Honda Accord and used the rest of the money to help people less fortunate..."
If people of faith, WHATEVER that faith may be?
Muslim, christian, Jewish....what-fucking-ever.
if every last one of them would embrace transcendental idealism.....perception is reality?
if they would say "whatever You perceive the world to be, that is truth....AND I RESPECT THAT"
if we could get that? I would be so sublimely happy.

so that's why I am suddenly a transcendental idealist and fascinated with the idea that this German guy thought of this stuff 230 years ago....it gives me a little chill..
any way, stick around. the next one won't be all that deep...how about, I tell you about how I made sure I had no shot at all at getting the gorgeous woman's number today at Whole Foods?

George Dub'Ya is going down in history...

As a monumental fuckhead.
I have not really made this blog all that political....but I can't take it any longer.
I know for a fact that history will not treat this boy well.
(I say Boy because he is not a man)

I thought that Reagen was going to be my least favorite Pres in my lifetime...then George One came along and I thought "well, Reagen was misguided and sad..but not venal.."
then we had George one. He sucked. He was Mildly venal (I say mildly because I now Know what was to come. True Venality.)
You want to go and talk trash about Clinton?
do it.
G'head!
He rocked.
He got
Fucking Impeached !
over some bullshit and you know what he did? he showed up for work the next day! that's a man!
"impeach me?
no! im-peach you!"
then we got Dubya.....I called him "president jackass" for the first year until my mom made me promise to stop...and you know what?
I regret that capitulation.

fuck that guy.

what has me so fired up today?

he vetoed an increase ....a bill that would make health insurance available to more children...
why?
well....he said it would make gov. sponsored insurance available to people making 83 grand...
UM no...
that's a lie. the state of NY proposed making the program available to people making 4x the poverty limit...the feds shot that down.
and really?
if you live in NY and you make 4X the poverty limit? (IE 83k for a family of 4?) you really are scraping by.
whatever.

lets talk about the rest of the states.
what the democrats...oh, and the republicans...
( except for Dubya)
are talking about is a health plan that covers families that make 63K or less...for a family of 4...
I just gave up my career in banking because my base salary was 30k and I can't make a bonus anymore in the current market.
30k per parent is still paycheck to paycheck.
Really, can you make 30 grand a year and do anything but just live?
and they come up with these bullshit figures.

side one says, "an additional 4 MILLION kids will be insured"
sounds good right?
(this is the side dubya is against BTW)
(oh, and the people paying for it? smokers.they will pay for this with an increase in taxes on smokes. boo-mother-fucking-hoo)
fuck them.
fuck them in the ass.
hard.
if you have not gotten the message that
you are killing yourself by smoking!
fuck you.
you stupid motherfucker, fuck you.
I have a motorcycle i would like to sell you, it has an oil leak and a wobbly wheel.... and you are a gay, gay, faggot if you try to use a helmet! oh did i mention fuck you?
so, tax the stupid assholes that want to smoke, tax them to death.
and make them pay for insurance for the kids? who can argue that? really?
DUBYA CAN!
he says "this is the slippery slope to federal insurance! do you want the feds deciding what Dr. you can see?"
(WHEN YOU DO STUPID SHIT LIKE TAKE US TO A SENSELESS WAR?!!! no i guess not)
but wait it's not federally controlled, its a block grant!...so, uh, never mind..?
the Repblicans say give the power back to the states?
well the control of this program, since its a block grant is squarely in the lap of the states...

he says it will give insurance to 1.6 million people that already have employer provided insurance...
hang on... that supposes that the 1.6 million people who already have insurance that technically would qualify for this would all switch.

I personally would not switch to "food stamp" insurance just because I could.
What % of people would switch? I bet less than half. Lets say half, ok? 800K people take the government cheese just 'cause they can.
800K kids get shit they don't deserve because their parents are chiselers....and 3.2 million kids get health insurance that didn't have it before?
3.2 million kids of parents who work?!
who contribute to the economy?
who pay the lions share of taxes in this country, proportionately?
That is the people that President Jackass has come out against.
He fucking hates the middle class. He hates you and he hates me.
the only people he hates more are people who don't pay taxes..

What An Asshole.

can you say incensed?
of all the stupid crap that we have suffered through?
Of all the fucking pig headed stupid fucking crap?
"hey a bunch of saudi arabians flew planes into the WTC....lets fuck up Afganistan!....Hey we fucked up Afganistan...I'm still in the fuckin' shit up mood..Y'all wanna go into Iraq?!!"
of all the completely asinine retarded shit?
those of you who read this and know me and love me?
and support this assface?

justify this to me. Please.

try to tell me that your boy Dubya has not jumped the fucking shark...
explain to me why you do not hate this fucking ass-clown more than I do?
he claims to represent YOU but he hates you!
I know he hates me.
But you support him and he hates you...

REALLY!
hey. RHYMHES WITH??
you have a kid inbound? where do you fit on this economic continium? do you fall between dubya's cracks? Ok I know this is borderline nasty personal? I'm sorry, I truly am but this is exactly what I'm shouting about.
this shithead is selling you the fuck out...
ok...this is out of hand
sorry
i'm fired up.
I am so sick of sucking it up ....it's been damn near 8 years...

ok...so in one night I ranted about the fact that Immanuel Kant was a genius that stole my ideas 200 something years ago...and George Bush part 2 is the biggest sinkhole of anti-intellectuaism to come along in several generations...
but really how can we all agree on so much but we don't see EYE to EYE on this clown?

Are you Versed In your Kantian Philosophy?

I have been boiling some things in my fevered brain.
are you up to date on all the ideas and posits of Kant?
He's a German philosopher, or was....he was kicking around the 1780's.....230 years ago?
here's the thing, I had a few ideas, I searched the web, googled, wikied?
this SOB was all over it.
I thought it? no he thought it 230 years ago.

you know what? I have spent the last few hours reading all this....and I think I may be the re-incarnation of someone...I may have to read the gossip column version of this mans' life...
but I may be Immanuel Kant come back all over again...
damn. if you are at all interested check this out.
I was going to say it but he already did..
always over 200 years too late...but I did start wearing Converse way before everybody else....so I got that going for me...

I'm just trying to amuse me

I was at work today...Did I mention we have a free expresso bar at work?
I was at the expresso bar and all I wanted was an ice water, and she wouldn't give it to me just an ice water!
and she was all like we think you're on drugs! and I'm like I'm not on drugs, I just want an ice water!
and she's like we decided
and I'm like wait WE decided?"

ok, that was just a little bit of Suicidal Tendencies for those that don't know....
so that was fun...

anyway that was sooo not the point of this blog!
whew!

I like to say really random shit to people just to see the look on their face..and while I was waiting for my ice water my co-worker Shelly walked up and said "can I get an ice water?"
to which I said
"get out! you and I have the same drink!"
small pause and then everybody laughed.
Not a big moment at all but still easing the tedium,right?
I also love to take my conversation down the slight rabbit trail...similar to the way I write?

today I was sitting on The Bench and I started telling a story about another time I was sitting on another bench.
" I was sitting on a bench, not unlike this one, talking to a buddy of mine, not that we're there yet. We're not quite buddies, you and I, more work acquaintances, which is a higher level of acquaintance than just acquaintance but not quite buddy, not by half.
Anyway, we were on the bench and the manager walked up and said "I'm not paying you to sit around and I said, You're not paying me shit until I sell a car!"

that kind of stuff amuses the fuck out of me and , really? It could have been damn near anyone sitting next to me. I really am just trying to make Michael amused, if the rest of you think it's funny mores the better....
but not quite..

because I have suddenly realized I am addicted to the comments..

I love my sister

I was told today that if The Old Man tells the "Spaghetti Story" one more time he is going to get bitch slapped.
I can't wait.
It's inevitable that he will tell this story within the next few get-togethers.
I have your back sister.
I am pretty sure that I can take The Old Man at this point. My strength and anger at the world Vs. his have, I believe, reached the tipping point.
Truly, I am stronger and more pissed off than he is at this point.

It got me thinking about the stories he tells and the ones I tell...
ok, yes he never posted stories about me defiling breakfast foods to the entire world....but when The Old Man starts talking people usually tune in because he can "spin a yarn" as they say...

and I do believe I have a long time to go at this blogging thing before I have spilled more beans than he has.
Really, I think I have 3 readers max, how much damage could I do?

so I was trying to think of a story I prefer The Old Man NOT repeat about me....
I'm at a loss...generally I come off as a sort of violent quick witted Tom Sawyer....and I'm cool with that.
My sister is not so fortunate. I already spilled her beans about the unfortunate nickname....I will not further compound my crimes..
And my brother? he usually comes off as terribly sensitive and misguided.....
So, I am totally cool with him portraying me as a partially-controlled-psychotic-demi-genius...

I want to tell a story on my sister that features her in the light in which I always saw her.
I always thought that she got treated like the little princess and I only partially begrudged her that. The truth is I always adored my sister and I did my best to protect her but it felt kind of unfair that she could do no wrong and I was sort of treated like a force of nature that they tried their best to contain...but lets not get all Freudian...

We were at the river.

For some bizarre reason my sister didn't learn to swim until much later in life. ( as much as she wants to pretend it's not true, I did in fact save her from drowning more than once)
you have to understand, I swam pretty much before I walked. I swam nearly every day of my life until I was 9 or 10. I was on swim teams from 5 to 17. Pretty much every summer vacation or long weekend involved waterskiing. I got a custom made waterski for my 7th birhtday. (one of the best gifts I have ever gotten BTW) so why did she not get taught how to swim?

anyway

In the Colorado river there are these sandbars that during the day are a place to hang out and dock your boat....in the evening the river rises and they go under water.
We were ferrying people back and forth from the sand bar to the camp and my sister(who,again, can't swim) and a wife of one of my dads friends (who can't swim) are left behind...
It's taking kind of a long time and the woman, who knows neither of them can swim, starts to get a little worried....
coolers are starting to float away, beach chairs, towels soaked.
they are more than ankle deep when the woman expresses concern.
My sister is sanguine, sublime.
"my daddy is coming back"
"what if they forgot us?"
"my Daddy would NEVER forget me."
"why is that?"
"because he has 2 boys...but I'm his only girl"

the Little Princess

the first time I met the Bickersons

My sister told me that her future in laws were, in some circles, referred to as the Bickersons.
I thought "how bad could they be.."
My sister was getting married at the Broadmoore, a ritzy hotel here in the Springs.
We were sitting in the lobby and a group of people were all meeting up and then going out to dinner.
A few of us ordered a drink. I asked for "Makers and soda" which in most upscale places is understood to mean Makers Mark Bourbon and soda water.
I got a Makers and coke which is way too sweet.
I sent it back in the nicest way possible.
then the bickering started.
"why did you send that back I thought that's what you ordered?"
"I.."
that's the entirety of my contribution to the rest of this conversation.
"No he ordered it with soda water, she brought out a Bourbon and coke he wanted a Bourbon and water"
"but he said "soda" that means soda pop, coke"
"no it means soda water. Coke means coke"
"no coke means soda pop"
"what?!"
"yeah. in most places you say 'I'm gonna get a coke' that just means you're getting a pop, any kind"
"where did you hear that?"
"I didn't hear it anywhere I know it"
"how can you know something without having heard it at least somewhere?"
"it's just knowledge. some stuff you just know."
"how, mind reading? No. someone had to say it"

you get the picture.

I'm Fucking Old

I'm so fucking old I just got carded trying to buy a bottle of beer ....and it pissed me off.
I'm serious.
And here is the sad part...I wasn't even going to drink the beer!
I was making a pot of chili, and I thought some beer would give the chili some complexity......so I walked over to get the bottle of beer and she said do you have your ID and I said, "no, I'm 38"
"well...at this hour we need to get ID..."
Um...it's 11pm? I certainly don't look any younger at this hour. Catch me around 10 am, perhaps when I've just been to the gym? I may pass for mid 20's around that time...
Yes, I don't look my age, but surely, at no point during the day do I EVER look 20 years old, right?
I mean, does this lady have fucking cataracts?
(is this some bizarre new phenomenon I'm not aware of? at 11pm people under 20 who tragically look like a 38 year old who could pass for a 28 year old go out and try to buy a single bottle of beer?)
I try to finesse her, "hey, I was born in the 60's...Do I really need to walk all the way back to my apartment" (winning boyish smile)
no dice.
fuck that woman. dammit.
so I get in my car and drive my ID back to the store and slap it down on the counter.
the guy in line gives me a nasty look.
fuck you and fuck her!
I have been momentarily inconvenienced!
this act of aggression will not stand!
I have never been so annoyed at being carded...

(my impotent revenge? I paid in coins! that'll show the bitch)
you know what? when I'm president king?
this bitch........she will be allowed to keep her job at the quickie mart....It just occurred to me she's a middle aged white woman working at the quickie mart....no revenge is needed in this case....carry on...