Oh The Humanity !

I was just at Whole Foods, which usually leaves me feeling like a sophisticated European.
Not this time.
The nightmare started when I wandered into the cheese section. Normally this is a happy place for me. I like cheese very much. I like stinky cheese in fact.
The best cheese I have ever tasted smelled like a combination of foot and ass...and other scent notes which I will mercifully spare you.
So what did I spy lurking malevolently disguised as something edible? Some smoked Gouda. That's a pretty safe cheese, all things considered.
Not this bastard.
It tasted like bitter, tangy rancid smoke. Not smokey mind you. It tasted like I just did a shot of liquid smoke.
And it was downright slimy.
I swallowed it whole and fought off the urge to scrape the lining of my tongue with my hand.
I staggered into the meat department .....and was tricked by some goddamn sausage!
It looked like regular Bratwurst but was in fact made with veal.
It was gamy and funky and not at all reminiscent of what Bratwurst is supposed to taste like.
I grabbed a bottled water and swished it around and swallowed.
The waves of funky nausea subsided a bit. I was breathing from the mouth like a drunk trying not to throw up.
I wandered towards the produce section. I was considering a palate cleanser such as an apple when what did I get waylayed by in the seafood department?
A dainty little crustini covered in cream cheese, smoked salmon and a little fresh dill. I am not making this up, the dill even made it to the show!
I was like Mr Howell seeing a case of caviar wash up on Gilligans Island.
I put in my mouth and knew I had made a mistake immediately.
That fucking salmon ganged up with the veal and the smoked Gouda to synergisticly create the worst taste in my mouth ever.
When it was all done I wound up with a taste like a french cab driver had just stuck his index finger in my mouth.
I felt like crying.

I bought my bottle of water and a pack of gum and fled.