Special Kids Doing Special Things

My mom worked with educationally handicapped kids for years.
I can honestly say that while I have no ill will for the disabled
(except for that one kid that they called Chicken George that bit me on the thigh for no reason. He can go F**K himself.)
I would definitely not be suited to work with them.

I went and helped out in my moms class a few times and never much cared for it....except this one glorious day.
I think of it as "Popsicle Day"

It was the last day of school and I had gotten out early. I think it was my Junior year.
I stopped by the class to see if there was anything I could do to help out.
(I know many will be shocked to learn that I did take time out from my rigorous door slamming regimen to actually be nice on occasion)
Some genius had found some Popsicles to give the kiddies. Clearly they had been in some kind of hyper deep freeze because these things were rocks. They were so incredibly cold that steam came off of these things like they had been pulled from a vat of liquid nitrogen and then handed to the kids.
Let me make a small aside at this point....have you ever noticed that special kids frequently have prominent tongues? Particularly the Downs Syndrome kids?
Right.
So we have a line of kids. Popsicles are being handed out. Popsicles are sticking to tongues.
Kids are beginning to hop around and make "ungh! Ungh!" sounds.
I point out the kids jumping around trying furiously to extract Popsicles from their tongues.
The handouts stop.
Now we have 2 distinct groups of kids.
Kids that want nothing more than to stop being attacked by their treats, and kids who want treats.
Neither group is happy.
So we take the kids with the stuck tongues and hold them up to the sink so that through the magical healing powers of warm water their torment may end.....thereby creating a third group of kids: those that are pissed off that we took away their treats.

Lets review.
Group one: pissed of and stomping about demanding treats.
Group two: Flopping about with demon frozen leeches attached to their tongues.
Group three: Kids stomping about demanding the return of their precious treats.

I wish I could tell you how the melee was finally quelled. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I do distinctly remember 2 things.
First, I remember my mom insisting vehemently that it was not funny and me insisting just as vehemently that it in fact was funny.
Second, I remember thinking that if somehow it could be like this every day I just might want to be a special-ed teacher after all.

I like Hilary Just Fine...but, WTF?

According to Fox News
( getting out my enormous grain of salt)
Hilary said in a speech recently that if she is elected President oil prices would plummet.
How you might ask?
Ooh!
Government subsidies! Is it government subsidies?
Nope.
Supposedly she claimed that she would make a commitment to ending Americas dependence on foreign oil which would then in turn scare OPEC into drastically (perhaps even dramastically?)reducing prices to discourage people from finding other energy alternatives.

Riiight.

(I may have to look further into this)

I feel sorry for a guy who loses his hair at a fairly young age.
I feel even more sorry for the guy that does the right thing and just shaves his head...only to discover he has a funny shaped skull.

I just picture the guy saying to himself
"Well, I'm balding, I may as well just shave it...bzzz, bzzz, bzzz....Oh come on!"

The Spirit Of Competition

I have been ruminating on the competitive nature of mankind. It's kind of weird when you think about it. I mean we have contests for everything.
Dancing, singing, flinging poo. If you can do it we'll have a contest to see who can do it the bestest.
Now, with the explosion of popular media (TV, Internet?) it has gotten out of hand.
You can see anything from the ridiculous to the sublime.
Or both.
Battle of The Network Stars ? Anyone?
Seriously, they have race walking.
How does that come about? 2 guys walking down the street, one starts walking faster, the other guy speeds up....then the one guy says, "hey lets see who can walk to the corner fastest" so they get walking all fast until one guy starts running
"Hey! No fair that's running!"
"ok...lets define walking...."
"Right...just off the top of my head? I'm just freestylin' here..."

1)
at least one foot must be in contact with the ground (as viewed by the human eye)
2)
the lead leg must be straight from the moment of contact until the leg is vertical (as viewed by the human eye)
"Ok...cool. Hey can we move our arms in a crazy fashion?!"
"hells yeah!"
"I think we got us a sport buddy"

We have made a competition out of a bodily function!
Eating.
Yes eating.
Who can eat the most, the fastest , etc. And it's on TV.
There are 2 other necessary bodily functions that lend themselves to competition that we have yet to see.
Sex and Poo.
One I want to see. The other? Not so much.

Lets take the one I want to see first.
Forget the X-Games. I want to see the Sex Games.
The possibilities are limitless.
Think of it formatted kind of like ice skating or gymnastics.

You have your individual events:
Masturbation:
Individual: by hand , by device.
Mutual: hand, device again. (extra points for simultaneity)
Oral. Men's and women's.
(this can be broken into the objective and subjective. One event speed, the other style)
Missionary: Fastest to completion.
It just goes on and on.
But the main event? Picture it sort of like a combination of the Compulsories and the Pairs skating.
A 3-d kama sutra extravaganza in which you have to incorporate a certain amount of "moves" over the course of your program.
Certain "moves" are given more points for difficulty than others.
You must have one partner "finish" to qualify for a medal....of course both partners "finishing" earns extra points....and even more points for simultaneity.
(This is a timed event)
Short program and long program?
Absolutely.
I really see this as being a big hit in the future...we just have to wait for Fox or Spike to finally evolve into hard core porn programming.

The other? all I can say is this will be a side dish to the eating competitions. I see it as a speed competetion mainly. How do we judge the speed from gustation to elimination?
One word.

Corn.

(I'm Sorry)

Another stupid commercial

I just saw a commercial for The Infinity Razor ...this is great.
Ummm, quick question?
If it's truly good for infinity?
Why bother giving me a second one for free?
Also, I love how he says he's been using the same razor for 5 months!
Buddy? That is a wee bit shy of infinity. In fact you can't even qualify that as a serious relationship yet.
And it's made of carbide and tungsten?!
Yeah ....that's what razor blades have been made from since the advent of razor blades...
here, look:
The preferred type of steel is called carbide steel because it is made using a tungsten-carbon compound. One patented combination of elements used in stainless steel blade construction includes carbon (0.45-0.55%), silicon (0.4-1%); manganese (0.5-1.0%); chromium (12-14%) and molybdenum (1.0-1.6%); with the remainder being iron.

Why not just call it The All New Ronco-Ginzu Super Razor?

But wait there's More!

PS: the 'patented formula' contains my favorite element: Molybdenum. That's just fun to say, isn't it kids?!

Doesn't Joe Lieberman kind of sound like Dr. Zoidberg ?

Shocked By The Ass Gasket

I think that my higher power is an absolute prankster.
How else to explain the fact that I conduct electricity better than the average human?
I have been dealing with this for years but today I truly came to the conclusion that somewhere someone is watching this and laughing. Hard.

I went into the restroom. I reached up to pull one of those tissue papers to lay across the seat. (yes I realise that a micro thin piece of paper is mere panacea. Leave me to my illusions, please)
As I reached up to pull the paper out the metal holder for the paper shocked me.
So...instead of merely pulling the paper out I leapt into the air and yanked! the paper out with great ferocity.

Yeah very funny.

Crappy Commercials

I just saw an ad for a TV show called "The Years Best Commercials"
Oh yeah? What about the bad ones?

I just saw one for psoriasis medication.
It starts out with a woman dressed like a nurse. She says:
"If you have psoriasis, then you know how it feels; the itching, the burning."
Well of course you know how it feels! That's the nature of experience, right?
If you have a condition then it stands to reason that you would be familiar with the symptoms, no?
"If you've ever been kicked in the crotch then you know how it feels"
...umm yeah lady, I just got kicked in the crotch, it hurts! Of course I know how it feels you idiot.

I think I can write commercials. Check this out:
"If you like beer then drink Miller, because it's totally beer."
Bam! one down.
Let's do another, ok?
"If you like movies with explosions then go see the new Die Hard movie. Tons of explosions, dude!"
Man this is easy.

Or what about this WHOPPER freak out BS ?
It's on the long side so I'll tell you to fast forward to Minute 4:08...is that Norm MacDonald?!
I hate this thing because it shines a bright light on how incredibly lame Americans are.
One guy is so disturbed by the lack of Whoppers that he lets his toddler wander off while he tries to understand the magnitude of what just happened to him.
NO Whopper? You madmen! Are you trying to tear the space time continuum?!
If I walk into the BK and they say there is no Whopper?
Here's how that conversation goes: "oh, no Whopper? Ok ummm lets go with the baco-cheddar-mushroom burger?"
Definitely not:
"I want to speak with your manager! This is an outrage!"
And it's not like BK can't come up with a cool commercial right?
Remember this psychedelic masterpiece? I am still reeling from that one. As my sister might say after seeing something like that ..I have no response to that.
(and for the record? That is the only thing Hootie has ever done that I have taken even the slightest bit of pleasure from)

Now here is a good burger commercial BK !
Ya' Heard?
"In anatomy class you got a butt minus"
awesome.

The sad thing is those are the best white rappers around right now.

Ennui

My sister self diagnosed her Ennui.
I don't like it, not one bit.
(which is a Ren and Stimpy reference that no one ever, ever gets)
(not the part about my sister)
I have this constant shadow of a thought of my sister the way I remember her at ....lets say 8 years old? Everybody likes her, she's preternaturally sunny and cute. In my mind she's always on rollerskates on a sunny day. 'Brown eyed girl' is playing in the background?
Sky rockets in flight?
anyone?

anyway.
I had the same problem back in July .
Unfortunately mine has metastasized into mild depression.
Look, I woke up at 5 am and now here I am blogging.
Not normal behavior.
OK, those that know me are pondering "when has he ever exhibited normal behavior?"
That's a fair question.
But am I really an "up at the crack of dawn on my day off " kind of guy?
Or more of a "stay up all night, sleep all day" kind of guy?
OK?
But the most annoying thing is Why I'm Awake.
Lately I have been waking up too, too early and not being able to go back to sleep because of bad dreams.
It feels very much like my mind is betraying me.
I should explain. People like me...
(high intelligence (and I ain't bragging) high energy (and don't tell me 'ain't ain't a word and I ain't gonna' use it') and OCD tendencies. (ain't is the contraction of "am-not"and has unfortunately fallen on hard times.)
Tend to dream vividly.
There is a new theory that dreams are a way of distracting the mind so that you can get some rest.
Kind of like putting a toddler in front of a video so you can get the laundry folded; your mind spins out crazy images based on your experiences, desires etc. so you will stay in a resting state.
It's your mind telling you a funny story.
A little different than Freud, no?
But here's what it has to do with me being up at 5 am.
I usually have crazy-ass dreams.
I wake up with ideas for movies and books based off my dreams.
So the fact that my mind has been lately throwing unpleasant images at me to the point that it's better that I just wake up...usually around 6 am..well that sucks. I thought we were friends, unconscious mind.
But the reason I am so annoyed and writing right now?
I was having a good dream...like in the old days.
I won't bore you by telling you the details. I'll just sketch it for you.

I was traveling with some people. A woman who I liked yet had previously shown no interest in me revealed that she actually had a huge crush on me.
So, you know that moment when you first have the courage to touch someone you have liked intensely, knowing they will allow you to touch them?
(ok maybe you don't know, but surely you can imagine how tingly and awesome that would feel?)
So, I wrapped my arms around her from behind and she settled back into my arms. She purred kind of. I Kissed her neck, I was about to bite her ear when she turned into me and we kis....

NO!
we didn't kiss because I woke up.
DAMMIT!
And? I woke up in a jolting fashion....
you have a bad dream and you can't deal with it so your subconscious mind slaps you awake?

I can't even have a good goddamn dream anymore?
Come On!
I woke up and every anxiety of my conscious mind flooded me. I wanted to sink back into that dream and I just couldn't.

This sucks.

I miss my ennui

The Cheese Pocket Surprise

I have a habit of revealing to strangers that I am the slightest bit nuts.
I don't mean to, it just sort of happens.

The other day I went to the gym and then afterwards the store.
I was in the deli section and they had a little sample tray of cheese. Gouda to be precise.
I took a bite of cheese and realized I was extremely hungry, so I took a little handful of cheese and went on my way.
I was walking around the store when my phone rang. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the phone, leaving the cheese.
I talked for about 15 minutes and hung up. When I put the phone in my pocket what did I discover?
Cheese!
So what did I do? I popped a delicious piece of cheese into my mouth. After I did that I realized that there was a nice middle aged white lady staring at me.
Great.
You know what she just saw, right?
A guy just fished a piece of cheese out of the pocket of his hoodie and popped it into his mouth.
To quote a younger Turbo?
Pretty weird, huh?

What can you do?

I said, "Gouda"
and then I walked away.

Frickin' Wal Mart

I had to go into Wal Mart.
I know, I know. Please in lieu of sending me flowers please make a donation to your favorite charity.

I needed to buy a blender (I am going to start serving margaritas at my desk. I think it will make the sales process more fun for everybody) and some orange juice.
One brand has slapped all over it's cartons stickers proclaiming that all their oranges are grown in the USA.
This is the worst kind of Juice Jingoism. Oh good, now we don't have to worry about foreign influence on or morning beverage.

Marketing Guy #1: so we put the stickers on right? Then people will know this is a %100 by-God American juice, get it?
Marketing guy#2 : does it taste any better?
MG1: oh hell no! It still tastes like crap....but it's Amurrican crap.
MG2: without the influence of islamo-fascists I suppose?
MG1: well, now you're just jumping ahead to the next batch of stickers.

What is it about the mouth breathers in Wal Mart that they can't help but block the isle?

Also if they are going to have "Bring your screaming child to Wal Mart day" could they at least post a sign or something?

I'm not going to make a separate post about this but when I'm President King the supermarket rules will be codified and enforced.
For example: I was stuck in line behind a woman who went through the express self check.
She decided that she would write a check.
ENH! wrong answer.
The correct answer is "debit card" that's right debit card.
Then her OCD kicked in and she had to write the check for an even amount....and then dig around in her purse for the coins.
oooh another wrong answer.
At this point her transaction should have been automatically voided and then sent over to a regular check stand.
When she went up to the lady running the self check to get her cash back....you read that right, she got cash back!
At that moment I made a sacred vow to myself that if she had coupons I would have to kill her. It's called culling the herd people and sometimes it must be done.

So there you have the negative part of my shopping experience.
Here's the good news.
My local Wal Mart is in the running for the scariest greeter in the state....to be honest I really think we might be able to ride this guy to the Nationals.
He had his nose plugged into an oxygen generator....because as you know Wal Mart is a low oxygen environment.
But the clincher is his having a hook for a hand.
Oh yeah. Not one of these wimpy new-fangeled things that looks like a hand. Nope, ole' boy is rocking an old-school metal opposable hook.

If your job is to wave hello to people and make them feel good about entering the store isn't a metal hook the best way to go about that?

Good luck at the Nationals buddy!

HEY scroll down, there is a new post below "the way we live now"

A quirk in the system?

My Top 3 Good Deeds Of the Month So Far

Number one is actually a tie because it involves the same guy.

1)

a.When Josh introduced me to his wife at the "employee appreciation party"* I didn't break into hysterical laughter and say "oh my God, you really do have a wife? I always thought you were lying about that"
b.When Josh said " could you imagine picking up a woman at a bar and then having to explain that you live with your Dad?"
I did not say "hey Josh, can you imagine picking up a woman?"

2)

I gave a woman and her mom a jump at the mall because they had a dead battery. Also, I didn't even notice that the woman was hot.

3)

I observed some twins at Whole Foods tonight, they looked to be about 18 months old. Twin number one was kicking twin number two in the shin repeatedly. What was really disturbing about it was the look of absolutely maniacal glee on the kids' face as he did this.
My good deed? I didn't tap the woman on the shoulder and say "Well I guess that answers the question of which one is the Evil Twin"

I'm feeling pretty good about myself this Christmas season


* the owners of the dealership are atheists so, no Christmas party, no holiday party. You know what's funny though? We have working at the dealership : 2 practicing Mormons, 4 people (that I know of) that attend New Life church and 3 openly homosexual guys. Say what you want about atheists they are very ' every body is welcome' kind of people)

I had Lunch Today

My friend Shane and I went to La Casita for lunch. Shane is 6 foot 5. I only mention this because I hate when people say I'm a heightist when clearly I'm not. I like Shane because he never asks to borrow my pants.
anyway...I ordered my usual, paid and stepped aside.
Shane stepped up and ordered a #61....
but hold up wait a minute...oh-ho-ho! there is no # 61!
Hilarity ensued, let me tell you...
Actually, she just looked at Shane like he was an idiot. He then proved her suspicions right by not actually knowing what he wanted.
I said, "You idiot, you spent so much time crafting that clever ' I'll have the #61' prank that you don't know what you actually want? You spent the entire time I was at the counter thinking to yourself ' hmmm the #60 is the biggest number...I wonder what number I could order that would bring this process to a grinding halt."

Now, I'm not going to say that there is a link between that and what came next.... but when we got back Shane opened up the first of his containers and it looked like.....
It looked like someone had taken a handful of food, got a running start and leapt into the air and slammed the food into the container.

"what the hell is that?!" I asked.
"I'm not sure" Shane said.
"what did you order?"
"the ' super Mexican' "
"yeah? Looks like it'll go through you super fast. Taste it."
He took a bite...."It's , um, scrambled enchilada?"
"cool, what's in the other box?"
(I have to admit this was turning out to be a pretty enjoyable lunch for me)
It looked like a scoop of beans, a scoop of rice and two tacos had been placed in the box...
and then the lid was closed and the box was shaken like a bad, bad baby.

Yep, all things considered it was a pretty good lunch.

When I'm President King

There will be a single day every year that you will be able to call out someone you have a grievance against.
It'll be pretty simple: you submit an email that explains exactly why you need to kick this persons ass; if it's approved they will go pick up the person you have a beef with and they will deposit the person at the local Octagon and then you two will square up.
You'll say something like:
" hey remember how I'm always asking you to turn down your music and you're always like 'make me'? well tonight I'm gonna make you."
and you will get to throw down with that chump in the cage.

Don't lie, you know you just thought of someone who could use a good old fashioned ass-whoopin'

Fox Noise

I'm usually so calm and uninvolved with things that I need to sometimes watch Fox "news" to get my blood flowing.
Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when the Bush abomination...I mean administration, got some leaders in the middle east to the table?
Fox Noise actually started a discussion about the get together by asking the question

"will president Bush leave office with a legacy as a peacemaker?"

wait, what?

Ok, what kind of new crack are they smoking over there? I know it's a joke that they claim to be "fair and balanced"...
but there has to be a line, right?
sure:
Bush the "peacemaker"
Hitler the ...umm... "coalition builder"! He got Italy and Japan to work together...or something.
Oh and Pol Pot! He was great at ..."population control" right?

Bush The Peacmaker.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit just now.
Fox has definitly drunk the cool aid.

The Way We Live Now

Doug came into work without his teeth.
That's right. No teeth.
Sans dentition.
Do you remember Doug, he of the ass shaped tomato?
When asked where his teeth were his response was:

"the last time I saw them the cat was playing with them."

What kind of home life does this man have?!

I'm picturing him drinking absinthe and injecting liquid LSD into his eyeball screaming

"GET THE TEETH KITTY!"

Is he Frank in Blue Velvet sucking nitrous from a surgical mask screaming "Fu*K Heineken! Pabst. Blue. Ribbon!"???


(I have to admit that the title of this post was taken from a short story by Susan Sontag, which was actually taken from a novel by Anthony Trollope. I am now safe from any accusations of plagiarism .....
Um...I was never in any danger was I?)

I wasn't sure how I felt about my fellow man so I had to head out to the mall

Turns out I still dislike the huddled masses.

A few observations from the mall, not specific to any detestable average American trait.

- there is a style amongst tween/teen girls ...I don't know if they are considered "cool" but there are definitely a bunch of them...
I would describe it as Pippy Longstockings-Punk.
It's mismatched and punkish and calculatedly irreverent.
It's argyle socks, plaid slip-on Vans, a tartan skirt and striped shirt.
It's an " I don't give a shit about style" style.

Ok, whatever.

- many of the male mannequins in the sports oriented stores have pretty severe cases of gynomastia. ( for those of you not up on the nomenclature, that's man boobs)
no comment necessary it's funny all on it's own.

- they have a store called "all things Catholic"
at first I was highly offended because I went into the store and found several things catholic missing . one example?Not a single pedophile priest. Also? when I inquired at the counter about how I might go about buying my way into heaven I was asked to leave...
it wasn't until later that I realized that the point of the store was not to provide all things catholic but that all things provided would definitely be catholic.

my bad

Oh and Americans are fat and dress poorly.

that is all.

I had an idea...at least I thought I did...

I was going to mark the occasion of my 100th post by reposting my favorite posts so far...or maybe have you guys tell me which were the best so far and I'd repost your choices...

When I brought this up I was chastised for cussing so much.

I recently spent a couple of completely wasted hours clicking the "next blog" button to see if I could come across anything interesting...I found a very depressed 14 year old girl from Singapore who was (possibly) recently dumped and writes in pitch-perfect LOLCATS grammar.

I also came across a woman celebrating her 100th post by writing an excrutiating account of her encounter with endometrious and all the life choices it makes you reflect upon.

I'll celebrate my 100th by telling you about my trip to the supermarket.
(see what you made me do, chastisers?)

Have you ever been in a public place and you look around at the other patrons and you think, "I am catching something right now. I am contracting an illness being in the prescense of these people. I need to get the hell out of here."

I heard an old guy walking behind me say to the witch he had dressed up as his wife " I'm sick of chasing that guy. He's never here. Next time I see him I'm chasing him off the cliff with my car."
I turned around to get a look at the charming old fella.
He was pushing a walker. It was a pretty kick-ass walker I have to say. If they haven't perfected the Segue by the time I am his age and we are still using walkers, I want one like his.
It had hand-brakes!
How fast does he expect to get that thing going?
Was it a racing walker?

Oh and speaking of the Segue? I saw a guy riding one down 8th street today...WTF?
I have only seen somebody riding one of those things one other time. It was in Scottsdale near where I was thinking about buying a condo with a girlfriend of mine.
( We decided that instead of buying the condo we would break up)

At this point in history there is no way to ride one of those things without looking totally nuts.
I expect that by the time I am in need of a walker the Segue will be even further developed and a standard mode of transport for people of diminishing walking skills....of course I also thought we were supposed to have flying cars by now....

And where the hell is my robot slave? I am sick and tired of going to the refrigerator for my own damn soda!

Hey, he started it!

Your kids start from day one trying to make you lose your mind.
It's psychological warfare.
It begins with the sleep deprivation and continues through the OCD behavior. I suspect that they don't really want to see Toy Story for the 1,000 time but they know you might not be able to live through one more viewing...( I have a beef with Toy Story, don't get me started on that one.)
At some point you have to fight back to keep your sanity.
When turbo was little that Fat Boy Slim song....."right about now the funk soul brother, check it out now the funk soul brother"
If you would insert his name instead of ' brother ' he would be apoplectic.
It was awesome.

He and I had this game that we played. Wind And Storm. We were super heroes.
He was Storm:

,

I was Wind...he named the characters.
In fact the whole thing was of his devising. He wrote the script I just played my part. It was played almost entirely in the car, driving to school, from the babysitter etc.

Here's the thing, as Wind I had the power of wind. So mostly I was limited to knocking things over.
As storm he had all the power of a storm...you see where this is headed?
I was the damn sidekick!
He had wind, lightning, hail...the list goes on.
I was the frickin' driver for the most part. He'd say "Wind that white car is following us, lose him!"

And then I'd floor it.

He would try to get clever once in a while, "Wind, I didn't like the school lunch today, pull into this McDonalds!"
When I got sick of being the sidekick I would start talking in this exaggerated super hero type voice...he'd say "Wind, I think I see an enemy up ahead!"
I'd say "I SEE HIM STORM!" in this really deep, old timey radio-play kind of voice.
"wind use your normal voice"
"I AM!"
"No that's not how wind talks!"
"BUT THIS IS MY VOICE!"
"no use your normal voice!"
"INDEED!"
"dad!"
(normal voice now)
"yes?"
"see, that's how wind talks"
"LIKE THIS?!"
"NO!"
You see how that works?

He would get sooo pissed but Screw it.

I'm the one with the drivers license, how come I gotta' be the damn sidekick?

Perjury! Je'cuse!

Let's talk about perjury, shall we?
President Clinton got impeached for perjury. How brilliant is it that he got impeached...and then he just showed up for work the next day? Love that attitude.
He got impeached for lying about...well, for lying about what every married man in America, hell every man who has ever been in a relationship would have lied about. He got impeached for lying about a BJ. Really? Honestly?
Come on!
I put a bit of the blame back on Clinton...he should have just said, "Fuck off. It's between me and Hillary."
DONE. End of story !. NEXT!
While I don't condone what he did, I do condemn the fact that he gave it legs by trying to deal with it on their level.
Presidents have had mistresses forever. Again; I don't condone it. But the fact that Clinton got strung up for it and Bush the first got away with his affair annoys me.
The fact that Clinton took enormous piles of shit for smoking pot but Bush the Second got a very small ration of crap for doing coke...and drunk driving, that bugs me. One was Harmless the other? dangerous.

Anyway.... perjury.
They are going after Barry Bonds for perjury now.
GREAT!....

Well, maybe not.
Here is my issue. Barry plays a game. Sure he plays the game for big bucks. Yes I don't like the fact that he has brought a taint to something I happen to love. But he is under the threat of prison time because he cheated at a game?
A game?
I Think his name should not be attached to any kind of record. Any rational person knows he took steroids. Steroids are illegal in baseball right now. He tested positive for steroids. Done. He cheated. No hall of fame. No name in the record books.

But going to jail for perjury?
Come on.
OJ is not in jail.
Penis Cheney shot his buddy in the face. No jail.
GW invaded a country on the basis of a lie. There were no WMD's. There was no yellow cake uranium. Warrant-less wiretaps, men detained without trial on the ass end of Cuba, legal counsel denied. I am so weary talking about this, and I know I run the risk of sounding like a crank...but if you read a few books, do a little research, you will have to come to the conclusion that he cheated in the first election. He did. I assure you.
And as far as his various wars?
Look, I went to school with some A-Holes...
And the way GW went to war with Iraq? It's like me looking around my elementary school and deciding one guy in particular was a dick. He didn't do anything to me per-se but he is definitely a dick. So i get a bunch of kids together and we jump him. We beat the crap out of this kid on the basis of the idea that he's a dick so at some point he was probably going to mess with me so...I was just defending myself, right?
PERSPECTIVE PEOPLE! If Putin did what Bush did? We'd be screaming at the top of our lungs on the floor of the UN...

We have an absolute rogue for a president, yet we are going to jail Barry Bonds for cheating at a game?
I am not a fan of Bonds at all, but come on.

Remember the time we tied Jake's leash to Ryan's stroller?

I don't know what it was about children being inside the house that so annoyed our Dad.
When we were at my Dad's house for the weekend, if you were caught loitering about the premises for more than 5 minutes my Dad was right there like he was breaking up a high school party...
"all right people lets go, take it outside..."
Can't a kid just hang out?!
Or, as my sister says,
"I just wanted to watch Gilligan's Island"
Whatever. We were exiled.
"Get out of my house! You, your sister, Waz...and while you're at it take the Goddamn dogs!"
So there we are, a ragged band, like the Jews wandering the desert, like the homesteaders trekking across the Great Plains in Conestoga wagons...

Too dramatic? Sorry.

It's me, Waz in a stroller, Jake and Angie on leashes and my sister.
I don't know where the decision making process broke down. I don't know why I didn't just take the dogs, and she took the stroller.
I just know that at some point it seemed like a keen idea to tie a leash connected to a 150 pound rottweiler to the stroller that my brother was strapped into.

(Hey! I was 12! I was not ready to command this kind of expedition, ok?)

So...Jake sees another dog whose ass he would love to give a neighborly sniff and he heads off in that direction.

Abruptly.
With vigor.

The stroller is Yanked out of my hands and Waz goes off on Mr. Toads Wild Ride.
He is flying down the sidewalk. I was a very fast runner, but they were away from me before I could squeak about it.

He gets about 3 house lengths ahead of me, he is almost to his new friend...and just as I have the thought "cool he's going to stop..."
(can i just ask, why is it always the case that just as you think "it's ok, disaster has been averted"...the shit hits the fan?)

Just as I think it's cool?

The stroller hit a crack in the sidewalk.
The stroller launched 4 feet into the air.
The stroller inverted itself mid-air.
The stroller landed kid-side down.
The stroller slid across the length of the lawn.
The stroller stopped.
Jake got a nose-full of ass.

I catch up and flip the stroller over and I can tell by the look on Waz's face he will never be the same.
Stunned?
sure.
Bloody?
Only a little.
But you know what?
The man flies helicopters now!
And he just might have the stomach for it because of that ride. Maybe after that he realized nothing would ever be scarier?
Who knows. ( I also convinced him to sit in the front car of various roller coasters and water-flumes with me, much to his terror/benefit)

So. I bend the stroller back into an approximation of what it once was and we head back to the house
(even though I know we aren't welcome. It's like trying to get into studio 54 circa 1979.)

The rest is hazy. I know there was a lot of punishment. I don't remember if my sister ratted me out, if Waz started crying the second we got back or if the frame damage on the stroller outed me.

I just know there was punishment aplenty.
and if I say "remember when we tied Jake to Ryan's stroller" I can make my sister laugh.

Annoying Commercials

I have a couple in mind right now, mostly because they just ran back to back.
I'll try to do write- ups on others as it comes to me.
One of my curses is that I see between the lines to the true meaning that others don't.
For example.
There is a commercial running right now,
It is for a deodorant that is "prescription strength"
WTF?
How bad does your armpit funk have to be that you have to go to your doctor?
How does it come to that? Does someone say, "hey dude, use deodorant , OK?"
and you say "I. AM!"
So you head to the doctor, "hey, smell my armpit, does that seem normal? Will my HMO cover that kind of stench?"

The second commercial.

It's the Froot Of The Loom guys.
They are in some kind of conference room (wait, they have meetings?) one of the guys comes in holding a pie.
He says something like "well, we got another apple pie, guess who it's for.."
cut to Apple-guy looking all sheepish....
What are they saying?
Are they telling us the apple is a cannibal?
Are they all kind of pissed about it, like, "damn, why you gotta be a cannibal?"
I say again,

WTF?

The Yin Of Parenthood

A cool thing that I have with my son, that nobody told me might happen, is that we have inside jokes.
I know every family has funny stuff that only people in the family get. I can say to my sister, "remember the time we tied Jake's leash to Ryan's stroller?" and she knows exactly what I'm talking about and we can both laugh.

But I'm not talking about that. I can say "play ball wetbacks!" and she gets the joke...but it's not emblematic.

I'm talking about the idea of a single word or a simple phrase, and it may not even have any real meaning, it's funny because it's just something you and your friend know and nobody else does.

You can look at a friend and say "have you seen my baseball?" and your friend high fives you.

Makes no sense to anybody but you 2.

I don't think I had stuff like that with my parents.
(I do with my sister)

I do with Turbo.....it's one of those little joys that I didn't really expect. I'm not a "buddy parent" but I do have these cool things with my boy that I never had with my dad.

At a very early age he grasped the concept that if I am holding forth on an opinion that someone else does not agree with he will back me up unilaterally, even if he has no clue what we're talking about.

When he was about 7 years old I was having a jokey kind of argument with a girlfriend of mine. I was espousing some absurd, indefensible position for the sake of being a butt head. She said, "Turbo, what do you think?"

He said " I agree with my dad" even though he knew for a fact I was talking crap.

She expressed outrage.

He shrugged.

I said "Bro's before Ho's" and put my fist out for a pound, which he eagerly gave me.

That miffed her even further.
Well played son

Later he came up to me, "Dad, what does that mean, 'Bro's before Ho's'?"

"I'll tell you when you're older buddy"

This past summer my sister...
Hang on...Hey Sister? Everybody I write about gets a pseudonym, in case someday somebody outside our little circle actually reads this....so what would you like for a pseudonym?

Ok. So, my sister became a little obsessed with LOLCATS. I got into it too and Turbo really took to it. It appeals to his absurdist sense of humor.

( his sense of humor is very much in the genre of Tom Greene and Monty Python(which I recently turned him on to) ... among others)

This one in particular became sort of our catchphrase of the summer:



All summer long, if I wanted to make him laugh or vice versa? We'd just say,
SO...MUCH...PURPLE...in the acting style of Shatner.

Now that's an inside joke.

The yang of parenthood.

There are a ton of things that nobody can properly prepare you for when you become a parent.
The sleepless nights, the OCD behavior.....have you any idea what it's like to listen to a toddler pointing at a stereo and saying "James Brown? James Brown? James Brown?"

Look, I like James Brown, but I don't want to listen to it 24-7, ok?
I know what you're thinking, " hey it could have been worse, it could have been Barney"
Well ...no, actually. On a cellular level Turbo is one cool SOB. So while I didn't have to listen to The Wiggles, I did have to watch my son point at the stereo and plaintively wail "the bluuues"
And then cry because I didn't want to stop listening to what I wanted to listen to so that he could listen to his favorite Taj Mahal cd for the Millionth time..

So while they can warn you about these things you can't really prepare for it.
The thing I am dealing with now that you can't prepare for?
Your love for your child changes. I don't love Turbo any less now. But it's...different.

He is not that adorable little guy anymore. When he was little he was the cutest thing you have ever seen. This is not fatherly blinders. I was stopped in the supermarket on a regular basis and implored by women to put the boy into baby modeling. When we lived in Portland, when he was a preschooler, anytime we took the train or walked downtown, somebody would stop and say hi to him, he was known in Portland. Random people would shout out "Hey Hopper!" It was weird. But he was that cute, that charming.

Then he got older, he got smarter and funnier and weirder.


And my love didn't change.

I don't know when it changed. I know it happened slowly .....

What got me thinking about this was a picture I have of him from a little more than a year ago....he was still %100 kid then.


He's not now. He's in that middle passage between man and boy. His voice is deeper, he's...growing hair in places ....and he smells funny sometimes....but he's still a kid in many ways...

and I feel differently about him.
I still love him but I feel this sadness sometimes because he's not my cute, cuddly, insanely adorable little guy.....

I don't have any answers at this point...I just noticed it recently and I'm a bit lost because I don't ever remember anybody warning me about this...It seems obvious that your love for your child evolves but...to not feel the insane adoration for the little guy like I used to...I'm sure it's a natural way to prepare for the kid becoming independant and eventually moving out and making his own life...but still, it's unsettling.

It seems You never stop being who you were

My sister has a blog. I love it. Read it here
She recently wrote about how she always thought that our parents loved me more. That was not the whole point of the blog but..it came up.
But I always felt I was judged the most, loved the least.
I always felt that she was: The Girl and Waz was: The Baby and I was: The Disappointment.
But I have to be honest, it was along the lines of the backhanded compliment... because I always felt like they felt like I was the best of the bunch and I just screwed it all up...that's a heavy load, right?

Anyway, she talked in her blog about how she always felt like I was the most loved because I got the most attention ...but it took the form of yelling and punishing..
No matter what I did it seemed like I was always getting yelled at for some crap even if it was accidental or not my fault at all. I drove my Moms car ONCE in a parking lot because she was trying to teach me how to drive...2 years later the clutch went out and she tried to blame me. (I'm not making this up) Another time the ice maker broke, I was blamed for it. The evidence against me? I was always drinking big cups of ice water.

The other day my sister and I were talking and a story came up that completely epitomizes this dynamic. I think what makes it so perfect an example is that it happened only 5 years ago.
SO:

It was mothers day. I was going to make a big dinner for the Moms. That consisted of my mom and a mom who was a close friend of the family. I went to Sam's and bought Filet's ($80.00 worth or something stupid like that) Plus a couple bottles of Jim Beam marinade.( also expensive)
I was standing in front of the fridge that my mom has a million pictures of all the various extended and actual grand kids on.
I picked up the bottle and shook it back and forth instead of up and down....a jet of marinade shot all down the front of me with the first quick twist of my wrist, with the second the refrigerator got a liberal coating. Marinade was in my eyes, up my nose and a thick line of it ran from my hairline to my waist.
A tiny piece of minced garlic started trying to burn a hole through my nasal passage.
Mom looked at me for a beat and then said:

" What did you do that for!?"

I said the only thing one could in that situation.

" Like I ......meant to do that!"
( the pregnant pause contained a silent "F***ing!")

In that one exclamation a pure distillation of my black sheep status. The implication that, despite all logical evidence to the contrary, I somehow was up to some shit, yet again.

Can you take a picture of my tomato?

I was standing around talking with some people when Doug walked up carrying a tomato.

Let me describe Doug first. He is in his 50's. He has been smoking for about 45 of those years and he looks like it.
You know how Pig Pen walks around with a cloud of dust trailing behind him? Well good ole' Doug has a smoke cloud. Walking behind Doug is like driving behind a poorly maintained diesel.

So Doug walks up and in his raspy voice says "does one of you have a camera phone to take a picture of my tomato for me?"
WTF?
" What I am supposed to do, email you a picture of your tomato?"
" No can't you just go down to Wal Mart and have a print made?"
"Hang on, you want me to take a picture of your damn tomato, drive down to Wal Mart and have them make a print for me and then bring it back to you? Why the hell would I do that?"
he holds out the tomato
" Because it has a funny shape and I want a picture of it before I go eat it."
" By funny shape do you mean the fact that it looks like an ass?"
" well...yeah."
" Get your ass and your ass-shaped tomato away from me Doug"

These are the kind of weirdos I work with.

Let's Set Off the Geek Fight

I was in a video game store looking at the XBox 360 and the PS3 for Turbo.
I was thinking about getting him one for Christmas and wanted to see how much they cost.
Turns out? A lot.
I don't know squat about these things so I asked the counter guy which one is better.
What ensued was so funny....

Geek 1: I think the way to go is the PS3 it's the best system for the money. It has the most games, it's faster, it is more user friendly..
Geek 2 sidles over with a look on his face like he just smelled something bad
G2: hey, Robert ( he said "hey, Robert" in such a way that it sounded to me like he was saying, "hey Dumbass" ) did you just say the PS3 is better? 'Cause that doesn't make any sense.
G1: um..yeah. It's way better.
G2: Oh, so I guess the drug policy here has been revoked because you must be high if you think that the fact that the 360 is way easier to program games for and the development time for games is so much quicker means nothing?
G1: Who cares about development times when the sheer volume of the games available for the PS3 far outweighs the 360, David! (the way he said David actually made it sound to me like "baby raper")
G2: who cares about game volume when the games suck?!
G1: Two words for you dude: BACKWARD COMPATIBILITY!
G2: Backward compatibility! Backward compatibility?! (His voice rising higher than a 15 year old Anthony Michael Hall on helium)
What about pixels per square inch?! What about Multi- player online capability!?

I said "thanks guys" and backed out before geek blood was shed in a furious slap fight.

I Admire Your Rededication

I saw on the news today that they "Re" dedicated the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. AKA The Wall.
Did I miss something? When did The Wall become un-dedicated?
Did it stop being a wall and lapse into being a fence or something?

Or could this be some BS publicity stunt on the behalf of the current administration on this upcoming veterans day to divert our attention away from the fact that they are rapidly churning out a new crop of veterans as we speak?

Naw...sometimes a memorial just needs to get it's priorities straight and re-dedicate itself to it's original purpose...

A Jacket update

I forgot about the Jr. High factor at my work.
I forgot when I got back into the car business that car dealerships are this funky combination of a bunch of weird characters who love to make fun of people doing anything differently.

For example: we have a guy whose name is listed as "Captain" Ed on his cards...
because he lived on a boat in Seattle for 8 years... Not because he was the host of a local morning kids show...
Which is a very good thing considering he is a highly inappropriate individual.
Ed and I had a conversation regarding the fact that he once had a girlfriend who had a g- string made out of the same material as the shoes I was wearing.

Suede shoes. (black not blue)

What ensued was a very disturbing conversation about the non-breathable nature of suede and the extreme need for breathability in that particular part of a woman's anatomy.
Damned if I could not get the thought of Captain Ed's ex girlfriends stinky cooter out of my head all day...

That has a nice ring to it...sort of like a series of kids books along the lines of Captain Underpants...but for adults....
"The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Ed's Ex Girlfriend's Stinky Cooter"

Ok, maybe not.

But I digress. Yet this is the same guy who is only too willing to make fun of the fact that I drive a Miata.
Really, Captain Ed?
In fact I get a lot of crap for that. It turns out driving a Miata makes me gay.
I would have thought having butt-sex with other men would have been more of an indication of whether I am gay or not, but there you have it, a car made me gay.
Oh and did you know that skateboard shoes can make you gay as well? It's true because I get told that several times a day.

My point is, here you have all these weird characters ( last night a guy asked me to take a picture of his tomato and then print him a picture of it...more about that later) and yet if you deviate slightly from what everyone else is doing they can't help but give you crap about it...just like Jr. High...
Look at him he's doing something different than the rest of us! What a weirdo!

In my new jacket I got asked if I was going racing, I got called Motorcycle Mike ( I responded "It's Motorcycle Michael" ) and , my favorite, Speed Racer.
I had to inform the person that I was actually Racer X because it's a black jacket, not white.
Plus, like Racer X, I am much more likely to do something mean to you for no reason, unlike Speed Racer.
Speed Racer was a pussy.

But not a funky one like Captain Ed's Ex Girlfriends Stinky Cooter.

I Bought A Pleather Jacket

I bought a jacket, and I am pretty damned excited about this jacket.
In terms of style it is very much like a jacket I had back when I was riding motorcycles.
It was a vintage leather jacket I found at some insanely hip place in San Francisco or maybe Silverlake (which if you don't know, is and always will be, an uber cool neighborhood in L.A.)
It was a motorcycle jacket, but not the Harley style.
More like the European cafe-racer style. Narrowly cut through the torso, short collar. (not the kind that fold over...almost like a stubby mock turtleneck?) That jacket got stolen.

This new jacket? It's fake leather, so my latent greenie-enviro side feels ok. The fakeness of the leather? The most convincing I have ever seen. Not a single person said "is that real leather?"
One person went so far as to rub the pleather between their fingers and say "nice jacket"
Several people made comments about the jacket that were all complimentary...well except for that brat of a receptionist who said, "you gonna' race after work?"
And it's not all heavy like a real leather jacket. Have you ever worn a leather jacket for any length of time? Tiresome.
Did I mention my pleather jacket is machine washable?
oh yeah.

So what did this incredibly cool jacket cost me?
This jacket that in the first hour of me owning it got me 6 compliments and made me feel almost, kinda, sorta, hip again?

25 bucks.
Do you love it? I love it. I got it at Ross.

I love this kind of randomness

So a customer of mine leaves to go pick up her mom and daughter.
She gets back and the daughter and mom get out of the car. I am talking to my customer while the mom sort of wanders off to look at the cars and the daughter is just standing there with a faraway look clutching a hard plastic toy about the size of a lunchbox that is in the shape of an animal or something.
In the middle of greeting my customer " hey, so you want me to bring that Jetta down for you?"
the little girl (3 years old or so) sort of pirouettes and just breaks into a full speed run....
let me interrupt myself for a second....

She doesn't make a sound, there is no expression on her face, she is just suddenly running.

She crosses 2 empty parking spaces and then slams into a New Beetle. Her torso and the weird little plastic animal impact the car loudly and she sort of bounces off the car and starts to amble back towards us, no evidence on her face or in her demeanor that she just Kamikazied a New Beetle.
The grandma calls her by her full name "Autumn Marie Salazar!" and she bursts into tears.
The mom sort of puts her hand over her mouth and looks around like "oh, shit! did anybody see that?"
and lets be honest, I have made that face at least 1,000 times, for I am Turbo's father!

sorry to go all 'Highlander' on you but...There Can Be Only One Turbo's Father!

Ok, so the kid caroms off the car, gets yelled at and cries.

But really? I feel like the victim here because I have just seen one of the funniest things ever and I can't laugh.
And there's nothing cool I can say, "yeah my son used to run into cars at full speed, they're so cute at that age."

Turbo Is One of Us

My sister and I are snobs.
Get over it.
She has Coach purses, I write with a Mont Blanc pen...I'm not sure how we got this way really...
But we are a bit fussy and it turns out it may be genetic, being a bit of a snob.

I was picking Turbo up at school...this was when he was in 2nd grade...he said he had to go to the bathroom before we left.
By the way, I had him in this awesome magnate school. They had to wear uniforms, the teachers busted that ass..it was great. The principal was always around making sure kids picked up their coat and shit...
anyway, we were heading out and he had to use the bathroom and he started heading away from a bathroom that was right there.
I said "hey, over here?" and pointed to the restroom.
He says, "no dad, that one is used by kindergartners"
he said it like a Klansman says "jewboys"
Clear distaste.
I said "kindergartners?"
he said " yeah, they don't even flush. Disgusting kids."

He was 2 years away from "being one of them" yet his distaste for "those people" was palpable.

On the Lot

When you sell cars for a living you spend a lot of time BS'ing and doing nothing.
I walked up to a couple of salesmen talking today and one guy was describing the scene in the Deer Hunter in which they are playing Russian roulette....
I said,"Oh, umm...that's from "Little Orphan Annie" right?"
and the guy says, "no, the Deer Hunter."
and then continues on with his story.
when he gets done he turns to me and says
"you said that for comedic purposes I assume?"

That is the most parched-dry SOB I know. He did not for a second say what he said for comedic purposes.

Happy Halloween

This year Turbo is going as Random Item the Third.
I'm not totally clear on what that is going to look like, other than to say he will be carrying a random collection of crap.
Not much of a costume as far as I can tell.
BUT. I'm pretty sure it's better than the year his mom dressed him as a "beautiful cloud" and he came this close to turning out gay....
When he lived with me he was a lawyer one year and Calvin Coolidge the next.
the year before those 2 he was the cutest Pikachu you have ever seen... but that was the last year of what I think of as ' explicable costumes'.
Ever-after you have needed an explanation for what the hell he is supposed to be)
Ironically (or not) the lawyer and "Silent Cal" dressed very much the same.
(man, he loved that suit)
When he was Silent Cal he got mistaken for Harry Potter...
hang on, let me drop a little history on you first ....Calvin Coolidge was so nicknamed because as a president he had not much to say, in fact he didn't do much as president. He was the ultimate "small government" president.
He coined the phrase "the business of America is business" one of the most boring catch phrases a president could possibly be known for.

Come on people, let me throw out a few for comparison:
" Read my lips, no new taxes" Bush the first
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" Clinton the first
"I'm the decider" Bush the second


Ok, some serious ones?
"the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Franklin D. Roosevelt
"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country." JFK
(is that not one of the most awesome quotes ever?)
"It's the economy stupid " William Jefferson Clinton
"speak softly but carry a big stick" Teddy Roosevelt...
BTW, what is it with the Roosevelts?

Anyway.
Turbo is a lawyer and his buddy is a ninja.
We went to McDonald's first and his buddy peed on his nun chucks and I threw them out.
No reason to mention that, other than, a ninja accidentally peeing on his nun chucks is pretty funny.
We get to the first door and the lady cheerfully asks, "what are you two dressed as ?"
Turbo's buddy says
"I'm a ninja..and he's my lawyer"
and Turbo takes one of my cards and slips it to her.
I say "lotta' litigation involved with being a ninja"

all of this is improve.

that was a good year.
we get back to the house and the guys want to trade candy.
This, at best,seems like a powder keg of hurt feelings finger pointing and animosity.
I lay out some ground rules, set up a physical apparatus to trade and walk away.
No fights break out, everything is genial and calm.
They signal they are done and I go look to see how things have panned out.
The only way to describe it is, Turbo's pile was Massive compared to his pal's
I say, "You guys all good with the way it worked out?"
they both affirm it is totally cool and go to play video games.

Later I get turbo alone.
"Hey, your pile is way bigger than your buddies."
"yeah but he has more stuff"
I ask him to explain it to me.
He informs me that he traded all his hard candy, sweet-tarts, gum and suckers at a three to one ratio for chocolate and carmel.
Brilliant. Trade the chaff for the wheat at a 3 to1 ratio and you still come out miles ahead.
That's my boy.

Have they fingered the gene for negotiation skills?

Your New World Champions!

Definitly it is not going to be the Rockies.
It's kind of cute to see the enthusiasm of the Rockies fans. They haven't been here before; they are not quite sure what to do with themselves...
I am a Dodgers fan. I remember the day that Reggie Jackson took my innocence from me back in October of '77...
I also remember when he hit 3 homers in one world series game....
See what I did there? I implied he molested me in addition to hitting those home runs. Ahh good times..
On a serious note? When I am President King I will have Reggie to the White House and I will punch him in the face.
Then I will put George Steinbrenner on trial for tax evasion and once he realizes that we are not going to stop until he is bankrupt we will offer him a deal. He can plea out and walk away and his only punishment is that he can never so much as watch a baseball game again, let alone ruin the game any further.
When I am president king the salary cap will be respected dammit!

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.
Last night I saw an interesting bit of parenting going on at Coors Field.
There was a kid with a sign.
Wait.
First, what the hell is that?
I have never taken a sign to the ballpark. Never even thought about it.
What kind of person does that?
"Lets see I like crafts, I like the game, and I am a complete attention whore...Ima' make a sign."
So there they are in the outfield, holding up the sign
"HIT THE BALL HERE" and a big bull's eye in the middle.
fine....except? There is a hole in the middle of the bull's eye and out from that hole pops little Chad's head.
How does that happen?

DAD: you know hun' I am super excited about these World Series tickets we got here.
MOM: me too baby! Whoo-we I can't wait.
DAD: you know what would make it super awesome for me?
MOM: if I gave you a BJ while we was watchin' the game?
DAD: well that too baby....but I was thinkin'....what if it was bottom of the 9th, 2 out, Rockies down by 3, bases loaded, Hawp comes up and hits a home run right to us...
MOM: perfect!
DAD: wait, hang on...and then the home run hits little Chad here right in his stupid face!
MOM: oh baby that would be better than our honeymoon at Talledega and the time you won $20 on that scratcher ticket combined!
DAD: I know! But how we gonna' make that happen?
MOM: Umm, a big ass sign?

That's just a guess...

Here's one about Waz

My little brother, the Great Wazoo AKA Waz, used to go to my baseball games and shadow my dad and shout out instruction just like my dad.
"Get your head in the game!"
"keep your eye on the ball"
that sort of thing.
That's one fact.
Separate from that fact my dad used to refer to people of Hispanic descent who he found to be of low economic standing/criminals/ or illegal aliens as "wetbacks"
I am not going to try to defend him in any way other than to say that I can't say I ever saw him overtly discriminate against anyone in any fashion. He thought of everybody equally as scum of the earth. Oakies, spades, wetbacks it was all the same to him. Everybody was guilty of something until you could prove it to him otherwise.
whatever.

One day we were driving in the car and we were adjacent to a strawberry field. A bunch of pickers started jaywalking in front of us and Waz looked out, saw a group of Hispanic guys in baseball caps and he yelled out:

"PLAY BALL, WETBACKS!"

What's with all the cursing?

I am so completely adept at dropping the f bomb...I have thought about this a lot actually.
I know for some people they could do without all the curse words...I tend to write it all in one shot and then spell check/ edit and sometimes I do tone it down a little...

On the one hand I think about taking out most of the cursing to make it more palatable for others...but on the other hand it would be self censorship and part of the beauty of writing this blog is that it's completely mine.
I don't answer to anyone as to content or subject matter.
Having said that...there are some funny things that I just don't write here because it may be too much....
I was thinking of a funny joke today about what would be the worst Good News / Bad News....the jist of it?
Good news ? you don't have hemorrhoids...bad news? you do have anal herpes...
(it's related to the itchy butthole blog from a couple of posts ago) And I have said too much already.
Trust me when I tell you it is very funny and very wrong...

So what's the answer?
A dual blog? one where I just let it fly and one where I copy/paste to another blog and then take out all the colorful language?
But then we wouldn't have such gems as "do I look like a fucking ass monkey? Well do I?!"
Or a sentence such as: "if I see a CD by a band and it's "the best of" or "greatest hits" and I know for an empirical fact that they have never done anything but shit in our ears?"
Come on! I happen to think that is a jewel of a sentence. How much more evocative and descriptive can you get than "shit in our ears?" to describe a band that has consistently taken a dump on us musically?

So a dual blog just won't do.

Should I do this: "S*** in our ears"? I think the effect is kind of the same, you hear the word in your head even if you don't see it on the page.

I'm willing to listen to ideas...But I certainly can't start saying "motherfudger" and stupid crap like that...

(although motherfudger is a funny word )

the best post ever...

I have this thing where if I see a CD by a band and it's "the best of" or "greatest hits" and I know for an empirical fact that they have never done anything but shit in our ears?
I get a little annoyed.
so.
once I have made 100 posts I would like to have a contest to see what is the number one all time greatest( so far) post...
the people will vote...
unfortunately at this point "the people" will only be 3 or 4 people voting (and that's if we manage some kind of astronomical poll turnout of 95- 100 %)
at any rate I would be curious to see what "the people" think is the best one...

geeze, how the fuck can i get more people to read this garbage? any ideas?

ps: new record! spell check only came up with 1 correction. spell check doesn't recognize "geeze" i guess...fuck spell check in that regard...
I rule!

Youtube Bitches

I was going to try to buy tickets to the Rockies game. My master plan was to buy 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday and then sell the Saturday tickets because I have to work and go to the Sunday game...unless I got an unholy amount of money for the first 2 in which case I would sell the second 2 and buy myself a big honkin' tv and still have some profit left over....
but it was not to be. I couldn't get onto the site...
While I was waiting I watched a few videos.

Butter!
Why is this guy always running everywhere?

You fucking hammered me!
This is why we have youtube. So much about this is so funny that I don't know where to begin...
The way he keeps saying "we're not doing this" or "stop fucking with me"...
It starts out great when he first gets shot and he makes a noise like "aurgh!" and then lands on his face and then just gets better from there...

I would call this karma
I just love when somebody is engaged in the exploitation of animals and then the animal rears back and punches them in the face.

I love the classics

One word , nun chucks!
You must watch it twice. The second time around you have to take note of the arrogant little head flip he gives to start out.

I almost feel sorry for the woman. Almost
Is there something about wearing a Karate Suit that qualifies you to handle bears?
(yes I do know that he is technically wearing a Gi, i just refuse to call it that when the person in it is so clearly an ass monkey)
I really like how the voice over says that the bear then attacks one of the woman's rescuers...um no he latches onto the leg of one of his handlers which as far as I'm concerned deserved to be mauled a little better. I think the bear kind of half-assed it on the guy.


Ok, so feel free to share your favorite youtube links. They don't have to involve morons getting injured, but it can't hurt

I mentioned I crack myself up, right?

I walked up to a huddle of people,
I said "what are you talking about?"
Briana said, "Blades of Glory, the movie"
I said, "not Blades of Glory the novel?"

Turbo Set Me Up!

Turbo kept making the phrase "my hairy balls" the punchline to his conversations.
I finally got tired of that joke and said "hey, quit saying that"
he said
"what?, they are hairy"

that little fucker set me up.
who uses puberty as a conversational weapon?

Awww, Precious Moments

We have a salesman, John, who has a son that delivers pizzas.
He is at the dealership once in a while bringing pizza to his dad.
Tonight he was there and as he was leaving his dad hugged him.
How sweet.
What I saw was a dad hugging his teen aged son.
What my customer saw was a salesman hugging the pizza boy.

I said "that's John, he's very affectionate."

Did I mention I crack myself up?

Another Turbo Story

We were at a wedding. In July. In Florida.
Who does that?
At any rate I was in an exaggerated state of ass sweat.
My butt was itchy, ok?!
So I am doing that little dance where you are hoping to not look like you have an itchy ass but really you are trying to somehow get your ass to itch itself?
It never works.
So Turbo says, "why are you walking like that daddy?"
"don't worry about it"
but the little guy won't let it go. He keeps asking me about it.
We are out on this balcony and I'm letting him play in the water that has melted around the keg and I finally break down and scratch at my butt.
"is your butt itchy?"
"yes, it's itchy"
then he says, and I'm sure he said it in a normal voice, but to me it sounded like he was yelling

"you should wipe your butt better!"

"hey, shut it! I wipe just fine. I'm sweating a lot here."

"no, I had the same problem! mom said it was because I didn't wipe good!"

that boy is lucky to be alive.

I Feel Like Telling A Few Turbo Stories

When Turbo was about 3 or 4 he got it in his head that if he hadn't yawned yet then he must not be tired and therefore was not subject to bedtime rules.
Right.
So I figured I would outsmart the kid; use a little psychological warfare.
We are aware that yawning is contagious. The latest scientific theory suggests that it is borne out of empathy. It's a theory, whatever.
So I start in with the yawning.
One yawn.
Nothing from the boy.
Another yawn, this one even bigger.
Nothing. Is he even human?
Third yawn...you know what the little cuss says?
"Daddy, I think you should go to bed, you seem tired"

Parenting is hard when you have a little genius.

I Crack Myself Up

Walking through the supermarket tonight I overheard one stocker say to another in Spanish "which came first the chicken or the egg"
As I was walking past I said "El pollo! No mas preguntas!"* And strode by imperiously with one finger in the air.
I resisted the temptation to look over my shoulder and see the reaction.


* for those of you who do not hablo the es-pan-yole that means "the chicken! No more questions!"

LEV,ULEV, SULEV, PZEV

The automotive industry is under pressure from the federal government to further and further reduce emissions.
That's a good thing.
The automotive industry is constantly revising it's engines and creating new technology to achieve the goals set for them by the government.
Great.
So they have these various designations...
low emissions vehicle....LEV
ultra low emissions vehicle....ULEV(see where this is headed?)
super low emissions vehicle...SULEV
and now we have the latest technology...
Oh, I have to say, "super low" kind of annoyed me, but I'll let that slide....
Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle...PZEV
Partial Zero?
what the fuck is a partial zero?
zero is an absolute. either you emit zero emissions, or you emit, oh I don't know....some quantifiable fucking number of emissions!

I would have rather they called it Super Uber Duper Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle.
SUDULEV
It would sound like a Russian chess champion or something...

I have now adopted this as a numerical value in my daily life.
"Dude, you have a partial zero chance of that woman going out with you "

This fucking town....

Or I would have bitch slapped a guy tonight.

I don't know what it is with people here.
I had 2 people verbally confront me in the last few days.
On Sunday I was coming out of Barnes and Noble. There was a woman in front of me.
She walked out door number one, I followed.
She walked out of door number two, again, I followed.
As we got out side she spat over her shoulder, "you're welcome "
I was taken aback.
"for what?"
"I held the door for you"
"no, you walked out the door and I followed you."
"I'm trying to set an example for my daughter"
I looked at the girl, about 8 years old, "well she's sure showing you how to be rude to strangers"
I really wanted to say, "you know physically you're attractive...until you open your mouth, then you're quite ugly"
I refrained, but still WTF?
Even if she had held the door for me? What kind of lesson is it for your kid that you demand people thank you when you do something nice?
I didn't know we did things like holding a door for someone simply because we want to be thanked.
Whatever.
Then tonight I was going to the supermarket ( I still needed food after the Whole Foods fiasco)
As I was pulling into the parking lot. Two guys on bikes were coming towards me. I judged that I had plenty of time so instead of stopping for Lance Armstrong and Greg Lemonde....or whoever these ass clowns were pretending to be...
I would at this moment like to point out, this was two middle aged, middle class guys on bikes dressed in matching outfits.
They were both sporting the official jersey AND shorts of some cycling team.
Ok, when I was in my teens and rabidly into cycling, did I wear cycling shorts?
yes.
Did I wear a cycling jersey?
On long rides, yes.
Did I ever wear the team uniform of my favorite cyclist?
hell no. and if my friend ever showed up wearing the exact same damn clothes?
well, one of us has got to change.
I just picture them leaving the house:
"OK, this time I'm Lance Armstrong, who are you going to be?"
"no fair! you always get to be Lance Armstrong! Why don't you be Greg Lemonde and I'll be Lance."
"oh, you want me "kick it old school" (he nerdily puts air quotes around his words)
"well fine I'll be Eddie Merckx "
"No way! You might as well say, 'oh I'm Jesus'

anyway, this jackoff turns the corner and follows me into the parking lot.
He pulls up next to me and says something.
I turn down the stereo and say "I'm sorry, my music was too loud, what did you say to me?"
he rattles off my license plate and says "reckless driving !" and then oh so dramatically whips out a cell phone from his fanny pack.
"Thanks Lance" I say.
I park and start walking to the store and there he is on his cell. He jestures with the phone as if to say "see"
I say, "have at it Deputy Dog"
I was tempted to walk over to him and say "do you want to perform the citizens arrest now, or can I go buy some groceries?" and of course I would place my hands together as if to be cuffed.
I am glad I'm 38 and I just went and bought my food.
Less than 10 years ago, I might have gone over and pushed him off the fucking bike.

I really think a big part of the problem is this town is so insular and coddled.
In Los Angeles if that woman pulls that "you're welcome" crap? She gets told "shut up bitch" and the next time she feels like opening her snotty little yap she thinks twice.
Same thing with the guy on the bike. Pick any city of any size, a true urban center?
He pulls this "you're reckless!" garbage?
Odds are the offender will politely wait for him to get off the phone and then say "so, the police on the way? No? Oh they have actual crimes to attend to instead of listening to your bitch ass? Ok well BLAP! there's your black eye"
I'm not saying that the right way to handle it would be violence, but the people in this town feel as if they can just shoot their mouth off and get in your buisness, when really they should mind their own fucking buisness.

I'm glad I didn't go have words with the guy, I might have a warrant for "mean talking with intent to grievously hurt feelings"

This fucking town.