Pre Employment Drug Screen

So I go to get a U.A. today and this is an exact transcript of my conversation with the tester:

Her: man you really opened the floodgates didn't you?
Me: I will as soon as you make with the cup.
Her: no, I mean the waiting room was empty until you showed up.
Me:Oh...um, seriously can I get that cup, I've been holding it in?

Is it just me or is that a very poor choice of words on her part, considering the circumstances?

On the lot

Funny stuff happens on the lot every day, I really should make a point of noting them here.
So, a couple of funny things yesterday?
We are going through this process of become a Signature Dealership. Every manufacturer has a designation like this, Subaru is Stellar Performer, Nissan is Owners First Circle Of Excellence...whatever.
It just means you have all kinds of systems and procedures in place to give an above average customer service experience...again, whatever.
So we are having this meeting to discuss things that need to be changed.
So, we are discussing the way in which you direct someone from the sales area to the service department. Instead of pointing and saying "go down that hallway, turn the corner" ...etc.
You are supposed to walk with the customer, making pleasant conversation along the way, and then introduce them to a service adviser. Fine so far ...
unfortunately in corporate speak this is a "Warm Personal Transfer"
Really?
You want me giving the customers a Warm Personal Transfer?
Oh, I'll give them a Warm Personal Transfer!
Just not here in the service drive, that's gross...we're gonna go back to my place for the Warm Personal Transfer...
Ahh how times have changed...You know with everybody being P.C. and all....when I was in high school they called it the Hot Beef Injection...

Anyway.

So we have this new guy, well actually we have 2 new guys, one has a Business Mullet, and the other looks like Michael Douglas from Falling Down. If he shows up to work with a duffel bag I am sooo running for my life.
The funny thing about Rick (Business Mullet) is that he coaches hockey. Not funny in and of itself, but funny because the Business Mullet is the favored hairstyle of hockey coaches.
Do they require you to have the hairstyle to get the gig? Makes you wonder.
But the second guy? I don't know what his name is. Every time somebody wants to refer to him and differentiate him from the other new guy they say, "the new guy, the Canadian, not Rick"
So he has proved himself to be a tool to me and I am doing my best to ignore him. Trust me, I could tell you How I know he's a tool but it's a boring story.
So I'm sitting there texting my friend Cindy and he's loitering nearby. Mike walks out the door and makes a sound like he's annoyed to have to be walking outside.
Canadian New Guy says, "he seems impatient with the customers"
(without looking up)
I say, "It's because he's gay"
"He's gay?"
"Yup, totally gay"
I can tell he's a little perplexed. Mike is gay, so it's fun to tell new guys he's gay, because he seems straighter than me. It sends them into a bit of confusion, "is he gay? Are you just fucking with me?"...
"Umm, do you mean literally, or physically?"
Now..... I know he means "figuratively", but he asked "physically."
So I say,"Both literally and physically"

And then I hit send on my text and walk away.

Uzo and Uni or why you should never eat foods begining with the letter U Part Two

So the plan for Sunday was lunch at Jake and Telly's 15 year anniversary party and then antiquing.
After lot's of lame directions from me, we got to the restaurant.
( I have the worst sense of direction in the world. The only person worse is Turbo, and that's only because, in addition to having my terrible sense of direction, he has his mothers terrible vision. Word to the wise? If you find chicks in glasses hot? Good chance you will wind up with a kid that wears glasses.)
We hit the buffet and I constructed an replica of the Empire State Building out of food. I have to be honest, I had to quit piling food on before I even got to the end of the line because I had structural integrity concerns. I really didn't want to get trapped under a foodslide.
Then?
Cindy excoriated me for my Universal Buffet Theory!
I should explain.
The whole "all you can eat" thing sucks for me because I can't eat all that much. I'm more of a small meals kind of guy.
So when presented with a buffet I take a lot of different food and I sample and determine what I like and then go back and get some more of that.
So, my bad, I wasted a bunch of food.

We were sitting about 8 feet from this lamb spinning over an open fire.
I was afraid I was going to have to make a scene to get them to stop cooking it and start serving it.
Finally they took it off the spit, dropped the thing on a table and I watched C's face as she watched them butcher it....there was lots of cringing.
We got back in the fuckingly long buffet line in the hope we'd finally get some lamb. I was there for the lamb dammit! I think when we walked in the door and the lady "said how many?" I said "where's the lamb?"
So we're back in the buffet line and I notice something.
The funny thing about these kind of events is that it really brings out the Greeks. I never knew there were so many Greeks in the Springs. It's like they live among us, silently hiding their Greekness. I bet if you run into a Greek any other day of the year and said "are you Greek?" he'd be all, "What!? No I'm Italian and Irish. That's funny...Greek"
But get them all together and it's Big Hugs! Opa!
(I kept saying "man these people love them some Oprah" whenever there was a particularly boisterous opa!)
In line I noticed a woman with so much makeup on that Tammy Faye Baker would have counseled for a little restraint. I turned to Cindy, " Have you heard about this new product Revlon has? It's a shotgun shell loaded with makeup that you have your friend shoot you in the face with. It's a real time saver."
I got a courtesy laugh and then a real one when she caught sight of the lady.
Cindy asked me what she did for a living. I said "Mary Kay?"
She rolled her eyes, "She ain't driving no pink Cadillac"
So we finally get through the line and guess what?
No Lamb.
So we dejectedly went back to our table to find some chick walking around dishing out lamb to these fuckers that just showed up. And she was already past our table. I was in danger of punching somebody and Cindy looked as if she might begin stamping her feet and yelling "I want lamb!"
This was a potentially dangerous situation.
I flagged down our waitress. "We seriously need some lamb."
I have to say once we got the lamb?
It was The Bomb.
Then a friendly, hairy man came around with little shots of uzo. Cindy asked what it tastes like. I told her it's like licorice.
She said, "can't they just give me a bag of licorice instead?"
I convinced her it was part of the fun and so she agreed to do the shot.
We both yelled out Oprah! and did the shot. Just as I remembered: fiery, horrible, licorice flavored gasoline.
Cindy very daintily picked up her water glass and spit the uzo out.
It was like adorable.
"You like that shit?" she said incredulously.
"Fuck no! I hate uzo, but it's part of the fun."
"Note to self, do not try new things begining with the letter U"
Word.

I have to say, that lamb was so good, I was tempted to stuff some in my pockets for later...but I really didn't want to be brushing up against Cindy all flirty-like and have her say, "what's that smell?"

Uzo and Uni or why you should never eat foods begining with the letter U. Part One

You're "you" every day, right?
You're never not "you".
But... do you ever feel that some days you are more "you"?

Or maybe a more perfect you?

I had a great weekend.
And, for the most part, I felt like a "more perfect me".

Cindy came to see me this weekend.
We were going to hang out and watch Superbad and the next day we were going to go to Old Colorado City and and hit up this big shindig at Jake and Telly's and then go antiquing.
Lets address the antiquing thing...I know it may sound supergay or pussywhipped on my part to say I enjoy it..but the reality is I have always found cool stuff in antique stores...
this one we went to Sunday had a bunch of blocks from a printing press, how cool is that? Also....if you kinda have a crush on someone or if you just started dating? Antiquing involves a lot of standing close to each other to look at something and it's usually close quarters so lots of chances to brush up against someone. It can become this little game that you play, sort of a seduction...if the person you're with wants you to see something , it's an easy excuse for leaning on her, putting your hand on her hip...
So. Fuck it, I am totally cool with antiquing and I will punch anybody in the face who says otherwise...
although, after a day of antiquing I do have to come home and watch some old UFC tapes to detox...
Anyway.
Cindy shows up and we decide to go get sushi.
Cindy is like me in that we are both very willing to try new things and she had only had sushi one other time so it seemed like a good idea.
Ok, so we go to the sushi bar and I order up a bunch of shit and Cindy says "order uni"
...I feel I should take some responsibility, I was thinking of sea urchin roe which is kind of like any other roe. But uni? It's the fucking sea urchin itself.
So we get our stuff and I'm acting like the experienced sushi jerk: showing her how to mix the wasabi into the soy sauce and pontificating about yellowfin...all the while using the kiddie chopsticks because I can't use regular ones because of the plate in my wrist. Pretty ridiculous, I know but we were having fun.
Then a guy walks in and sits at the bar. He seems to know everybody and is acting all "Mr. Bigshot"
Cindy says, "Hey, lets play, "what does that guy do?"
I say "Ok...you go first"
She muses for a second and then says, "restaurant critic"
That's not a bad call!
He has the demeanor of someone who feels like an insider at a restaurant.
He is fat...yet kind of stylish...hmm, just might be a restaurant critic.

I should mention something.
I have this synergistic thing where on a normal day I will say almost anything to anybody...but if I am with a person who is a catalyst for me?
I most definitely will say anything. Cindy is one of those catalyst people for me.
For example on Sunday we were walking along and she sees this dog and she says, "is that a Labradoodle?" I shrugged my shoulders and she said, "ask him what kind of dog that is." Normally I wouldn't have, what do I care what kind of dog he has? But she told me to, so I asked the guy what kind of dog it is and he said, "a Golden-Doodle"
Which seems stupid to me.
I think if you have a Golden Retriever /Poodle mix you should call it a G'Doodle and you have to say it with an Aussie accent like "G'Doodle mate!" because then you'd sound like an Australian Ned Flanders. Maybe when I'm President King.

So she says, "I dare you to go find out what he does."
So I head to the bathroom and I make extended, annoying eye contact with the guy.
Then on my way back I do a fake double-take and say, "I'm sorry, I feel as if I know you from somewhere...what do you do for a living?"
He says " I'm a restaurateur I own &*^%&* in Colorado City"
I didn't hear what restaurant he owned...but I thought Cindy was pretty damn close, not a restaurant critic, just an owner...I gave her the win on that one.

So...as far as the uni?
You know how some stuff tastes like something else like smells?
I think uni tastes the way horse manure smells.
Cindy thinks that it tastes the way baby shit smells. (it definitely looks like baby shit poured on top of a California roll)
I blame the waitress. When we ordered the uni she egged us on. She was all, "It's an acquired taste....but it's my favorite."
Then when we actually put this shit in our mouths?
After the initial shock of finding I had put something that tastes like manure in my mouth I just swallowed like a motherfucker. I don't know why, but Cindy had to battle through and chew the shit.
The waitress came over...she saw what was happening and was kinda like, in a really absurd cartoony japanese accent "oh no! She going to be sick? She look barfy! I'm here white girl, you can do it!"
It was one half cheerleader...one half "I'm so going to laugh if this bitch pukes"
So we stomached down the fucking uni and headed back to my place to wash our mouths out with bleach and watch the movie.

The whole 'trying new things' bit us on the ass where the uni is concerned.