Special Kids Doing Special Things

My mom worked with educationally handicapped kids for years.
I can honestly say that while I have no ill will for the disabled
(except for that one kid that they called Chicken George that bit me on the thigh for no reason. He can go F**K himself.)
I would definitely not be suited to work with them.

I went and helped out in my moms class a few times and never much cared for it....except this one glorious day.
I think of it as "Popsicle Day"

It was the last day of school and I had gotten out early. I think it was my Junior year.
I stopped by the class to see if there was anything I could do to help out.
(I know many will be shocked to learn that I did take time out from my rigorous door slamming regimen to actually be nice on occasion)
Some genius had found some Popsicles to give the kiddies. Clearly they had been in some kind of hyper deep freeze because these things were rocks. They were so incredibly cold that steam came off of these things like they had been pulled from a vat of liquid nitrogen and then handed to the kids.
Let me make a small aside at this point....have you ever noticed that special kids frequently have prominent tongues? Particularly the Downs Syndrome kids?
Right.
So we have a line of kids. Popsicles are being handed out. Popsicles are sticking to tongues.
Kids are beginning to hop around and make "ungh! Ungh!" sounds.
I point out the kids jumping around trying furiously to extract Popsicles from their tongues.
The handouts stop.
Now we have 2 distinct groups of kids.
Kids that want nothing more than to stop being attacked by their treats, and kids who want treats.
Neither group is happy.
So we take the kids with the stuck tongues and hold them up to the sink so that through the magical healing powers of warm water their torment may end.....thereby creating a third group of kids: those that are pissed off that we took away their treats.

Lets review.
Group one: pissed of and stomping about demanding treats.
Group two: Flopping about with demon frozen leeches attached to their tongues.
Group three: Kids stomping about demanding the return of their precious treats.

I wish I could tell you how the melee was finally quelled. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. I do distinctly remember 2 things.
First, I remember my mom insisting vehemently that it was not funny and me insisting just as vehemently that it in fact was funny.
Second, I remember thinking that if somehow it could be like this every day I just might want to be a special-ed teacher after all.

I like Hilary Just Fine...but, WTF?

According to Fox News
( getting out my enormous grain of salt)
Hilary said in a speech recently that if she is elected President oil prices would plummet.
How you might ask?
Ooh!
Government subsidies! Is it government subsidies?
Nope.
Supposedly she claimed that she would make a commitment to ending Americas dependence on foreign oil which would then in turn scare OPEC into drastically (perhaps even dramastically?)reducing prices to discourage people from finding other energy alternatives.

Riiight.

(I may have to look further into this)

I feel sorry for a guy who loses his hair at a fairly young age.
I feel even more sorry for the guy that does the right thing and just shaves his head...only to discover he has a funny shaped skull.

I just picture the guy saying to himself
"Well, I'm balding, I may as well just shave it...bzzz, bzzz, bzzz....Oh come on!"

The Spirit Of Competition

I have been ruminating on the competitive nature of mankind. It's kind of weird when you think about it. I mean we have contests for everything.
Dancing, singing, flinging poo. If you can do it we'll have a contest to see who can do it the bestest.
Now, with the explosion of popular media (TV, Internet?) it has gotten out of hand.
You can see anything from the ridiculous to the sublime.
Or both.
Battle of The Network Stars ? Anyone?
Seriously, they have race walking.
How does that come about? 2 guys walking down the street, one starts walking faster, the other guy speeds up....then the one guy says, "hey lets see who can walk to the corner fastest" so they get walking all fast until one guy starts running
"Hey! No fair that's running!"
"ok...lets define walking...."
"Right...just off the top of my head? I'm just freestylin' here..."

1)
at least one foot must be in contact with the ground (as viewed by the human eye)
2)
the lead leg must be straight from the moment of contact until the leg is vertical (as viewed by the human eye)
"Ok...cool. Hey can we move our arms in a crazy fashion?!"
"hells yeah!"
"I think we got us a sport buddy"

We have made a competition out of a bodily function!
Eating.
Yes eating.
Who can eat the most, the fastest , etc. And it's on TV.
There are 2 other necessary bodily functions that lend themselves to competition that we have yet to see.
Sex and Poo.
One I want to see. The other? Not so much.

Lets take the one I want to see first.
Forget the X-Games. I want to see the Sex Games.
The possibilities are limitless.
Think of it formatted kind of like ice skating or gymnastics.

You have your individual events:
Masturbation:
Individual: by hand , by device.
Mutual: hand, device again. (extra points for simultaneity)
Oral. Men's and women's.
(this can be broken into the objective and subjective. One event speed, the other style)
Missionary: Fastest to completion.
It just goes on and on.
But the main event? Picture it sort of like a combination of the Compulsories and the Pairs skating.
A 3-d kama sutra extravaganza in which you have to incorporate a certain amount of "moves" over the course of your program.
Certain "moves" are given more points for difficulty than others.
You must have one partner "finish" to qualify for a medal....of course both partners "finishing" earns extra points....and even more points for simultaneity.
(This is a timed event)
Short program and long program?
Absolutely.
I really see this as being a big hit in the future...we just have to wait for Fox or Spike to finally evolve into hard core porn programming.

The other? all I can say is this will be a side dish to the eating competitions. I see it as a speed competetion mainly. How do we judge the speed from gustation to elimination?
One word.

Corn.

(I'm Sorry)

Another stupid commercial

I just saw a commercial for The Infinity Razor ...this is great.
Ummm, quick question?
If it's truly good for infinity?
Why bother giving me a second one for free?
Also, I love how he says he's been using the same razor for 5 months!
Buddy? That is a wee bit shy of infinity. In fact you can't even qualify that as a serious relationship yet.
And it's made of carbide and tungsten?!
Yeah ....that's what razor blades have been made from since the advent of razor blades...
here, look:
The preferred type of steel is called carbide steel because it is made using a tungsten-carbon compound. One patented combination of elements used in stainless steel blade construction includes carbon (0.45-0.55%), silicon (0.4-1%); manganese (0.5-1.0%); chromium (12-14%) and molybdenum (1.0-1.6%); with the remainder being iron.

Why not just call it The All New Ronco-Ginzu Super Razor?

But wait there's More!

PS: the 'patented formula' contains my favorite element: Molybdenum. That's just fun to say, isn't it kids?!

Doesn't Joe Lieberman kind of sound like Dr. Zoidberg ?

Shocked By The Ass Gasket

I think that my higher power is an absolute prankster.
How else to explain the fact that I conduct electricity better than the average human?
I have been dealing with this for years but today I truly came to the conclusion that somewhere someone is watching this and laughing. Hard.

I went into the restroom. I reached up to pull one of those tissue papers to lay across the seat. (yes I realise that a micro thin piece of paper is mere panacea. Leave me to my illusions, please)
As I reached up to pull the paper out the metal holder for the paper shocked me.
So...instead of merely pulling the paper out I leapt into the air and yanked! the paper out with great ferocity.

Yeah very funny.

Crappy Commercials

I just saw an ad for a TV show called "The Years Best Commercials"
Oh yeah? What about the bad ones?

I just saw one for psoriasis medication.
It starts out with a woman dressed like a nurse. She says:
"If you have psoriasis, then you know how it feels; the itching, the burning."
Well of course you know how it feels! That's the nature of experience, right?
If you have a condition then it stands to reason that you would be familiar with the symptoms, no?
"If you've ever been kicked in the crotch then you know how it feels"
...umm yeah lady, I just got kicked in the crotch, it hurts! Of course I know how it feels you idiot.

I think I can write commercials. Check this out:
"If you like beer then drink Miller, because it's totally beer."
Bam! one down.
Let's do another, ok?
"If you like movies with explosions then go see the new Die Hard movie. Tons of explosions, dude!"
Man this is easy.

Or what about this WHOPPER freak out BS ?
It's on the long side so I'll tell you to fast forward to Minute 4:08...is that Norm MacDonald?!
I hate this thing because it shines a bright light on how incredibly lame Americans are.
One guy is so disturbed by the lack of Whoppers that he lets his toddler wander off while he tries to understand the magnitude of what just happened to him.
NO Whopper? You madmen! Are you trying to tear the space time continuum?!
If I walk into the BK and they say there is no Whopper?
Here's how that conversation goes: "oh, no Whopper? Ok ummm lets go with the baco-cheddar-mushroom burger?"
Definitely not:
"I want to speak with your manager! This is an outrage!"
And it's not like BK can't come up with a cool commercial right?
Remember this psychedelic masterpiece? I am still reeling from that one. As my sister might say after seeing something like that ..I have no response to that.
(and for the record? That is the only thing Hootie has ever done that I have taken even the slightest bit of pleasure from)

Now here is a good burger commercial BK !
Ya' Heard?
"In anatomy class you got a butt minus"
awesome.

The sad thing is those are the best white rappers around right now.

Ennui

My sister self diagnosed her Ennui.
I don't like it, not one bit.
(which is a Ren and Stimpy reference that no one ever, ever gets)
(not the part about my sister)
I have this constant shadow of a thought of my sister the way I remember her at ....lets say 8 years old? Everybody likes her, she's preternaturally sunny and cute. In my mind she's always on rollerskates on a sunny day. 'Brown eyed girl' is playing in the background?
Sky rockets in flight?
anyone?

anyway.
I had the same problem back in July .
Unfortunately mine has metastasized into mild depression.
Look, I woke up at 5 am and now here I am blogging.
Not normal behavior.
OK, those that know me are pondering "when has he ever exhibited normal behavior?"
That's a fair question.
But am I really an "up at the crack of dawn on my day off " kind of guy?
Or more of a "stay up all night, sleep all day" kind of guy?
OK?
But the most annoying thing is Why I'm Awake.
Lately I have been waking up too, too early and not being able to go back to sleep because of bad dreams.
It feels very much like my mind is betraying me.
I should explain. People like me...
(high intelligence (and I ain't bragging) high energy (and don't tell me 'ain't ain't a word and I ain't gonna' use it') and OCD tendencies. (ain't is the contraction of "am-not"and has unfortunately fallen on hard times.)
Tend to dream vividly.
There is a new theory that dreams are a way of distracting the mind so that you can get some rest.
Kind of like putting a toddler in front of a video so you can get the laundry folded; your mind spins out crazy images based on your experiences, desires etc. so you will stay in a resting state.
It's your mind telling you a funny story.
A little different than Freud, no?
But here's what it has to do with me being up at 5 am.
I usually have crazy-ass dreams.
I wake up with ideas for movies and books based off my dreams.
So the fact that my mind has been lately throwing unpleasant images at me to the point that it's better that I just wake up...usually around 6 am..well that sucks. I thought we were friends, unconscious mind.
But the reason I am so annoyed and writing right now?
I was having a good dream...like in the old days.
I won't bore you by telling you the details. I'll just sketch it for you.

I was traveling with some people. A woman who I liked yet had previously shown no interest in me revealed that she actually had a huge crush on me.
So, you know that moment when you first have the courage to touch someone you have liked intensely, knowing they will allow you to touch them?
(ok maybe you don't know, but surely you can imagine how tingly and awesome that would feel?)
So, I wrapped my arms around her from behind and she settled back into my arms. She purred kind of. I Kissed her neck, I was about to bite her ear when she turned into me and we kis....

NO!
we didn't kiss because I woke up.
DAMMIT!
And? I woke up in a jolting fashion....
you have a bad dream and you can't deal with it so your subconscious mind slaps you awake?

I can't even have a good goddamn dream anymore?
Come On!
I woke up and every anxiety of my conscious mind flooded me. I wanted to sink back into that dream and I just couldn't.

This sucks.

I miss my ennui

The Cheese Pocket Surprise

I have a habit of revealing to strangers that I am the slightest bit nuts.
I don't mean to, it just sort of happens.

The other day I went to the gym and then afterwards the store.
I was in the deli section and they had a little sample tray of cheese. Gouda to be precise.
I took a bite of cheese and realized I was extremely hungry, so I took a little handful of cheese and went on my way.
I was walking around the store when my phone rang. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the phone, leaving the cheese.
I talked for about 15 minutes and hung up. When I put the phone in my pocket what did I discover?
Cheese!
So what did I do? I popped a delicious piece of cheese into my mouth. After I did that I realized that there was a nice middle aged white lady staring at me.
Great.
You know what she just saw, right?
A guy just fished a piece of cheese out of the pocket of his hoodie and popped it into his mouth.
To quote a younger Turbo?
Pretty weird, huh?

What can you do?

I said, "Gouda"
and then I walked away.

Frickin' Wal Mart

I had to go into Wal Mart.
I know, I know. Please in lieu of sending me flowers please make a donation to your favorite charity.

I needed to buy a blender (I am going to start serving margaritas at my desk. I think it will make the sales process more fun for everybody) and some orange juice.
One brand has slapped all over it's cartons stickers proclaiming that all their oranges are grown in the USA.
This is the worst kind of Juice Jingoism. Oh good, now we don't have to worry about foreign influence on or morning beverage.

Marketing Guy #1: so we put the stickers on right? Then people will know this is a %100 by-God American juice, get it?
Marketing guy#2 : does it taste any better?
MG1: oh hell no! It still tastes like crap....but it's Amurrican crap.
MG2: without the influence of islamo-fascists I suppose?
MG1: well, now you're just jumping ahead to the next batch of stickers.

What is it about the mouth breathers in Wal Mart that they can't help but block the isle?

Also if they are going to have "Bring your screaming child to Wal Mart day" could they at least post a sign or something?

I'm not going to make a separate post about this but when I'm President King the supermarket rules will be codified and enforced.
For example: I was stuck in line behind a woman who went through the express self check.
She decided that she would write a check.
ENH! wrong answer.
The correct answer is "debit card" that's right debit card.
Then her OCD kicked in and she had to write the check for an even amount....and then dig around in her purse for the coins.
oooh another wrong answer.
At this point her transaction should have been automatically voided and then sent over to a regular check stand.
When she went up to the lady running the self check to get her cash back....you read that right, she got cash back!
At that moment I made a sacred vow to myself that if she had coupons I would have to kill her. It's called culling the herd people and sometimes it must be done.

So there you have the negative part of my shopping experience.
Here's the good news.
My local Wal Mart is in the running for the scariest greeter in the state....to be honest I really think we might be able to ride this guy to the Nationals.
He had his nose plugged into an oxygen generator....because as you know Wal Mart is a low oxygen environment.
But the clincher is his having a hook for a hand.
Oh yeah. Not one of these wimpy new-fangeled things that looks like a hand. Nope, ole' boy is rocking an old-school metal opposable hook.

If your job is to wave hello to people and make them feel good about entering the store isn't a metal hook the best way to go about that?

Good luck at the Nationals buddy!

HEY scroll down, there is a new post below "the way we live now"

A quirk in the system?

My Top 3 Good Deeds Of the Month So Far

Number one is actually a tie because it involves the same guy.

1)

a.When Josh introduced me to his wife at the "employee appreciation party"* I didn't break into hysterical laughter and say "oh my God, you really do have a wife? I always thought you were lying about that"
b.When Josh said " could you imagine picking up a woman at a bar and then having to explain that you live with your Dad?"
I did not say "hey Josh, can you imagine picking up a woman?"

2)

I gave a woman and her mom a jump at the mall because they had a dead battery. Also, I didn't even notice that the woman was hot.

3)

I observed some twins at Whole Foods tonight, they looked to be about 18 months old. Twin number one was kicking twin number two in the shin repeatedly. What was really disturbing about it was the look of absolutely maniacal glee on the kids' face as he did this.
My good deed? I didn't tap the woman on the shoulder and say "Well I guess that answers the question of which one is the Evil Twin"

I'm feeling pretty good about myself this Christmas season


* the owners of the dealership are atheists so, no Christmas party, no holiday party. You know what's funny though? We have working at the dealership : 2 practicing Mormons, 4 people (that I know of) that attend New Life church and 3 openly homosexual guys. Say what you want about atheists they are very ' every body is welcome' kind of people)

I had Lunch Today

My friend Shane and I went to La Casita for lunch. Shane is 6 foot 5. I only mention this because I hate when people say I'm a heightist when clearly I'm not. I like Shane because he never asks to borrow my pants.
anyway...I ordered my usual, paid and stepped aside.
Shane stepped up and ordered a #61....
but hold up wait a minute...oh-ho-ho! there is no # 61!
Hilarity ensued, let me tell you...
Actually, she just looked at Shane like he was an idiot. He then proved her suspicions right by not actually knowing what he wanted.
I said, "You idiot, you spent so much time crafting that clever ' I'll have the #61' prank that you don't know what you actually want? You spent the entire time I was at the counter thinking to yourself ' hmmm the #60 is the biggest number...I wonder what number I could order that would bring this process to a grinding halt."

Now, I'm not going to say that there is a link between that and what came next.... but when we got back Shane opened up the first of his containers and it looked like.....
It looked like someone had taken a handful of food, got a running start and leapt into the air and slammed the food into the container.

"what the hell is that?!" I asked.
"I'm not sure" Shane said.
"what did you order?"
"the ' super Mexican' "
"yeah? Looks like it'll go through you super fast. Taste it."
He took a bite...."It's , um, scrambled enchilada?"
"cool, what's in the other box?"
(I have to admit this was turning out to be a pretty enjoyable lunch for me)
It looked like a scoop of beans, a scoop of rice and two tacos had been placed in the box...
and then the lid was closed and the box was shaken like a bad, bad baby.

Yep, all things considered it was a pretty good lunch.

When I'm President King

There will be a single day every year that you will be able to call out someone you have a grievance against.
It'll be pretty simple: you submit an email that explains exactly why you need to kick this persons ass; if it's approved they will go pick up the person you have a beef with and they will deposit the person at the local Octagon and then you two will square up.
You'll say something like:
" hey remember how I'm always asking you to turn down your music and you're always like 'make me'? well tonight I'm gonna make you."
and you will get to throw down with that chump in the cage.

Don't lie, you know you just thought of someone who could use a good old fashioned ass-whoopin'

Fox Noise

I'm usually so calm and uninvolved with things that I need to sometimes watch Fox "news" to get my blood flowing.
Do you remember a couple of weeks ago when the Bush abomination...I mean administration, got some leaders in the middle east to the table?
Fox Noise actually started a discussion about the get together by asking the question

"will president Bush leave office with a legacy as a peacemaker?"

wait, what?

Ok, what kind of new crack are they smoking over there? I know it's a joke that they claim to be "fair and balanced"...
but there has to be a line, right?
sure:
Bush the "peacemaker"
Hitler the ...umm... "coalition builder"! He got Italy and Japan to work together...or something.
Oh and Pol Pot! He was great at ..."population control" right?

Bush The Peacmaker.
I threw up in my mouth a little bit just now.
Fox has definitly drunk the cool aid.

The Way We Live Now

Doug came into work without his teeth.
That's right. No teeth.
Sans dentition.
Do you remember Doug, he of the ass shaped tomato?
When asked where his teeth were his response was:

"the last time I saw them the cat was playing with them."

What kind of home life does this man have?!

I'm picturing him drinking absinthe and injecting liquid LSD into his eyeball screaming

"GET THE TEETH KITTY!"

Is he Frank in Blue Velvet sucking nitrous from a surgical mask screaming "Fu*K Heineken! Pabst. Blue. Ribbon!"???


(I have to admit that the title of this post was taken from a short story by Susan Sontag, which was actually taken from a novel by Anthony Trollope. I am now safe from any accusations of plagiarism .....
Um...I was never in any danger was I?)