Good News Bad news

So the bad news is Heath Ledger is dead.
I think he was a pretty decent actor and in terms of him as a person he seemed like less of a douche-bag than your average celebrity.
The good news?
It seems HBO has devoted one of it's channels entirely to Brokeback Mountain.
Hey great!
I have not actually seen the whole movie. However, since HBO has devoted one of it's channels to the movie entirely I have caught random 10-15 minute segments.
I will be honest, I can't force myself to sit down and watch the thing in it's entirety for 3 reasons.
1) I can't tell what the fuck Heath is saying most of the time.
I have read numerous reviews of the film and never once did anybody mention that he sounds like Boomhauer from King Of The Hill.
2) Every time I watch the thing at some point a wrasslin' match busts out. I am just too scared that the wrasslin' is going to lead to sodomy. I am a straight guy, not homophobic, just straight ...and as such I try to scrupulously avoid seeing men have sex with each other.
Hey...It's not like I'm a prude.
I'll be honest, if I was walking down the street and I turned the corner and there were an ugly man and woman doing it?
I'd stop and watch for a minute.
But if it was 2 dudes? I would not stop.
3) the parts of it I have seen seem terribly depressing somehow. I just haven't seen any part of the film where anybody is having any fun...

So, It's too bad that Heath is gone....but do they have to devote an entire channel to making the majority of men in America uncomfortable?
Maybe I should send them an email pointing out he was also in A Knights Tale? I actually kind of liked that movie, it was sort of fun the way they extensively used anachronistic plot devices...plus you could understand what he was saying...

But, all Brokeback, all the time?
I wish they could quit that.

A few words I am Happy with and One I am not

Ok first, I have one word that I am so proud of.
Ginormous.
You made it into Websters? Good job!
Now 2 others that I am quite pleased with?....
Crack
&
steroids

I love these 2 words because they have added 2 new descriptive modifiers to the English language.
Think about it, you can say
"oh The New Thing? It's like The Old Thing On Crack."
Or,
"It's like a ____ on steroids"

You see what I'm getting at?
What did we say to make sure you knew how extreme this new thing is compared to the old thing before we had crack or steroids?
"oh man it's awesome, it's rad...it's extreme."

Hang on "extreme" I have a bone to pick with you.
You have been showing up in places you have no business being.
Without going into a strict dictionary definition the word means "of the greatest severity or drastic".
So now we have "extreme sports" is there any fire involved? Does anybody die, ever? Are the participants at least naked?
Ok, so not strictly extreme.
What about the TV show, "Extreme Home Makeover"
Um, yeah, I've watched the show a little bit and there is never a hot-lava moat around the house, never a second floor made entirely of glass so you can look down into the living room or up into the bedrooms. You never even see a stripper poll or a "grotto"
Not extreme.
But the most egregious offenders?
Food products.
Did you know you can buy "Extreme Jello"
Really?
Jello is hospital food. How extreme could a food product be if it can be liquefied by squishing through your teeth?
You know what extreme Jello is? Jello with ground glass. Or gravel.

NO, I have it!

New extreme Jello! Pick your flavor:
Cranberry- Crack
Strawberry-Steroid
Or super-new and improved!

Viagra-Very-Berry!

My sister recently wrote this and I can confirm emphatically that they did try to scare the Jesus into us.
She forgot to mention they also made her scared of Mormons...
(rest assured, she's not scared of them anymore.
I recently confirmed this by yelling "look out! Mit Romney is right behind you!" and she didn't even blink.)
Then today I saw a guy in a Chevy Cavalier (which for those of you that don't know? It's the Ford Pinto of our time.) It had a graphic on the rear window that said "will you be left behind?"
It was accompanied by a stupid ginormous wing and a non-functioning hood scoop.
I thought, "Um, no I am in a Turbo Saab, you will not leave me behind"
But then it occurred to me it was meant in the "Left Behind" sense.
Wow. One day she writes it, and then a guy in a Cavalier lives it.
weird.

I bought the Saab

I got the Saab and my "friends" told me it was slightly less gay than a Miata.
Oh how wrong they are.
The Saab is a chick magnet.
You read that right.
I was driving the car today with the top down. I looked up in the rear view mirror and this woman behind me waves at me. Hello.
I wave back ...um..hello?
She motions pull over. I'm thinking the back of my car is on fire or something. I did just buy the thing...it may have a problem with flames coming out of the trunk that I am not aware of yet.
So I pull over. The woman pulls into the parking lot next to me. I roll down the passenger window. She says, "Hey how are you?" almost like she knows me....but I'm pretty sure I have never seen this woman before.
"do I know you"?
"Look at you with the top down, isn't it kinda cold?"
"No, I have heated seats and the heat is going....but....do I know you?"
"what are you up to tonight?"
At this point I realize
1) she's drunk.
2) I have never seen this woman in my life.
"so are you married"?
"Why yes...yes I am! Look I have my wedding ring tattooed on and everything!"
I show my lamentably tattooed on wedding ring.
"Oh cool. So what are you up to?"
I point to the pizza from Whole Foods sitting on the seat next to me, "just bringing home a pizza...to the Family!"
"oh, cool .......man I'm almost out of gas, 'wanna give me like 2 bucks for gas?"
"no. I am strictly plastic." I make a credit card swiping motion.
"oh...well you could follow me over there (she points to a nearby gas station) and pump a couple of bucks for me"
At this point I figure why not have a little fun here,
"Did you wave me over to try to pick me up or to get gas money?"
"What! Naw I'm just kiddin'...have a good night"

I didn't actually peel out...but I have to admit I exceeded the speed limit all the way home.

For the first time in ....about 3,650 days? (that's 10 years) I am finally glad I have this stupid wedding ring tattooed on my finger.
Also? My friend Cindy pointed out that the car may not actually be a "chick" magnet...but rather a "hick" magnet...

Chuck Norris is Hilarious

I have to admit I never watched Walker Texas Ranger because I always assumed it was a stupid drama for people with low standards of credulity.
Oh how wrong I was.
It is actually an hilarious comedy. Brilliantly funny stuff people.
I happened to catch a few minutes of Walker right before a commercial break.
It seems that Walker was on some kind of undercover operation. He was working amongst some men that appeared to be migrant workers of some sort. Chuck was wearing an absurd black wig. I don't know if this is a standard feature of the show or if it was because he was"undercover". Either way the wig was super funny looking.
So this one migrant guy goes to get some water and the slave driver redneck type boss yells at the guy for getting water twice in one day.
This is where the funny starts to happen.
Walker steps up for the guy, and the fight is on!
(I think one of the migrant guys in the background might have even yelled "It's ON!" in Spanish)
So this really funny fight sequence breaks out....at one point Walker is holding a guy by the scruff of his neck and punching the guy in the stomach. It was priceless the way the guy kept hopping up in the air every time Walker "punched " him. i have seen a lot of fights and I have never seen anyone get held by the scruff of the neck.
Anyway, the next part is where it gets really funny. One of the rednecks grabs a rope and lassos Walker and then somehow they tie the rope to a truck really quickly and start dragging Walker around...and then cut to commercial.
Wow! That was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
I couldn't wait for them to come back from commercial so I pulled up Youtube where I found a clip of Walker fighting a bear.
Koala?
no.
Panda?
No, Grizzly!
Ya' heard!?
So this bear spends a lot of time chewing on Walkers sleeve and going "RAWR!"
Then Walker wins the fight through a clever combination of "stink eye" and "stare down"...maybe a little "gas-face" thrown in.
That was pretty funny too....but here's how I would have written it.
Instead of a bear? It would have been one of those Killer Whales that beaches itself to grab a sea lion off the shore...and right as the Killer Whale comes up on the sand Walker steps up and round house kicks the whale in the face.

How cool would that be?

I have to stop eating out for lunch

The other day I went out to lunch at a local Italian place. Normally I would grab lunch and go back to work so that if a customer shows up I'm ready to work. This day I needed to get away for at least an hour.
I sat down in a completely empty restaurant. I literally was the only person in a restaurant that has 20 or 30 tables.
A guy comes in and gets a couple of slices of pizza and sits at the table right next to mine.
What the hell?
Then if that's not bad enough he starts eating his pizza wrong. It's big floppy New York style slices. The proper method is to fold it in half, but nooo. This clown starts cutting his slices into tiny little bites. So I have to listen to him slice, slicing away at his food instead of just being able to ignore the fact that he sat at the table right next to mine.

Yesterday I went to have lunch at Whole Foods. I went out on the patio with my lunch and sat at a table off to the side to enjoy myself.
A group of people comes and pulls 3 tables together right next to me.
Great.
Then they proceed to have a discussion about how hard it is to be a Christian in this town.
What? In Colorado Springs? Try living in a place like Portland or Austin.
They were going back and forth talking about how they feel like sometimes people they work with are watching them; looking for them to make a mistake.
I'm sorry but if you publicly profess to have a value set that most people are familiar with don't be shocked if people are expecting you to honor that.
If someone tells me they are a devout Jew and then I see them one day eating a ham sandwich and showing off their new tattoo I have a problem with that.
Not that I have a problem with ham sandwiches or tattoos. I do have a problem with the disconnect between what you profess to believe and what you do.
Boo-hoo, people are expecting me to act like a good Christian just because I profess to be one.
Then if that wasn't bad enough, once they ran out of whine, they didn't seem to have much to say to each other. I was really trying not to listen in but with them pushing their tables together I actually was sitting closer to some of the people at the table than they were to each other.
I got to hear juicy tid-bits like this
"What kind of cake is that?"
"Oh it's actually corn bread."
"wow that's a big piece of corn bread."
"Yeah, and you want to hear the crazy part? It's the smallest piece they had!"

Thank God I was there to memorialize and write about that stimulating exchange, no?

I got Fired!

It was fun. I've never had so much fun getting fired.
I walked in and Harry told me they were going to pull the trigger.
Whatever.
There are probably 30 other dealers in town and I got job offers at every one I applied at before and I didn't have references then, I do now.

So if you know they are going to sack you why not have fun with it?
I was at my desk getting some papers together to make sure they paid me all my money when they paged me to the conference room.
I made them wait.
When I told Dennis I was leaving he said, "In a way I'm sorry to hear that." I said "Thanks, I almost liked working with you too."
He clarified that he was sorry to see it devolve into such a bitter, useless type of conflict....I won't go into the details but it was sweet in a Nordic, dry kind of way. (his last name is Skovgaard..he was an airline pilot...very clinical, not very expressive)
Steve paged me three times. (you can look down out of the conference room and see my desk)He waited 30 minutes before walking down to my desk and asking me to come up.
I said, "in a minute buddy" and went out to my car to look for something.
I finally decided I was ready to go talk to them ....so I went to the coffee bar and got a latte.
I went upstairs & sign, sign, signed.
Regina the office manager was there, she had to come in on her day off. Steve was on the other side of the room about to go in his office.
I said, "Regina, I'm sorry you had to come in on your day off. Hey Steve? ...Thanks for coming in on your day off."
I went downstairs and said goodbye to my friend J.T. and wished him luck (his girlfriend is pregnant....they are both 21...they go to New Life church, her mom works for Focus On The Family...not an easy situation) Sitting across from him was Adam.
I said, "Adam..." he acknowledged me in a 'good day to you too' nod. "you're a fucking tool and I never liked you." and I walked away.
(I got a text message"You really made Wells mad!" Good, that was the point. If it was me? I would have been out of my seat and in his face before he got 2 feet away.
Look, the guy is taller than me by 4 inches and outweighs me by 30 pounds. If you let a shrimp like me talk to you like that? You're a punk . So, I stand by my original statement the guy is a fucking tool.)
I shook a few hands said my goodbyes and left.
It was kinda fun. The most fun I ever had getting fired anyway.

Im'a Get Fired!

I had the most awesome meeting today.
I am on the hit list at work. I have a big target on my back. It's not because I don't do my job well. To be honest at the expense of sounding immodest I am above average at what I do. At my current employer? I am above, above average.
I work for a dealership that is run by people who have never worked at another dealership. Most of the sales staff have only sold for this dealer.
Consequently, they don't know how a real dealership is run.
If you took 3/4 of the staff (management and sales combined) and forced them to work at another dealership most would not survive a month.
It makes it hard for those of who know how a dealership is supposed to work.
Whatever.
So myself and another salesman (Harry) are constant targets. It's stupid but it is what it is.
(it would take me quite a while to explain how absurd my work situation is. I won't bore you with it)
I will introduce the characters first then tell you about this most amazing meeting.

Steve.
He is the Dealer Principal. That means head honcho. He is invested heavily in the dealership....but has only ever worked at this dealership, he has never sold cars and once referred to the piece of paper that we negotiate deals on as a 3 square...um Steve? It's a 4 square.
Ooooh I'm sorry the correct answer was 4 square.
( 4 squares: down payment, the price of our car, what we are giving you for your trade, your payment. 4 square.industry standard)
Robert.
GSM (general sales manager) Oh man, where do I start? He has been at the dealership for 20 years. Before that he was a manager at a local pub (Meadow Muffins or something). He is 1/2 black 1/2 white and all gay.
His (black) father never really acknowledged him and therefore he: identifies as a white man while not totally looking it, loathes his black side and has daddy issues. Working for him is like working for a menopausal woman...except instead of mood swings between random bitchiness and mothering, it's swings from bitchiness to cattiness...with some shitty, completely arbitrary sarcasm thrown in.
I have to be frank, he's really not as much fun as he sounds.
Chris.
Sales manager and all around punk ass bitch....or trick punk ass...or punk bitch trick....I can't ever nail it down. Doesn't matter. He has no real part in this meeting other than to randomly say "wow" to indicate how much he disagrees with someone. You call him out on a lie and his only response is "wow". He's a punk, forget him.
Harry.
My brother from another mother. He's Harry James Bitch!
Harry and I are the Sith lords of the dealership. I will explain that further later.
Harry is a black guy about my age with about my level of tolerance for stupidity. He is an old school car dog like myself.

Ok.
Yesterday Harry left early because he felt like it. (yes he flaunted the rules, he was wrong)I left 30 minutes after my shift ended...but I had shown up 45 minutes late. We both got in trouble for leaving early.

So, our morning meeting starts out with Robert asking " what is this power these 2 hold over you?"
I lean over to Harry and say "the force, duh."
"why do you let them do things that get everyone in trouble? Why do they constantly break the rules and then we have to make stricter rules and nobody ever gets mad at them? What power do they have over you?"
Harry says to me, "I'm Darth James bitch"
Robert passes out new contract resolutions stating that no one shall ever arrive late, or leave early under any circumstances yada yada yada.
I didn't read the damn thing.
Harry says, "we're Sith Lords, they're scared of us."
The reality is Harry and I do the same shit everyone else does....but we have the targets on us.
Harry signed one of his resolutions "Darth James" It was my idea, but I had already signed my stuff.
Oh well, I'll sign my termination papers Darth Miller.
Harry and I are told to stay after the meeting.

Harry brings out his little mp3 recorder and lays it on the table.
(this guy kills me, he walks around with a recorder)
Steve sees the recorder and says "are you recording?"
Harry, "yeah, I have a statement to make"
Steve leaves the room and comes back with this bulky recording rig of his own. Tape deck, wires, mini- boom mike.
This is the moment that things got surreal. It was like in a movie.
Steve starts to set up his rig. He realizes he can't plug in where we are. We all have to pick up and move 4 seats over. Now we are all shuffling about picking up our water glasses moving coats etc. Now he is fussing with wires plugging shit in. He can't get the mike right, the wires are tangled...it's quiet and awkward.
He's plugged in now.
push record:"check 1,2,3. Check 1,2,3"
Stop, rewind, play.
....nothing.
rewind, push record:"check 1,2,3.Check1,2,3"
Stop,rewind,play.
....nothing.
Robert " I think you are recording on the blank part of the tape"
Chris "there's a leader that you can't record on?"
By now I am trying hard not to look at Harry because I'm afraid we'll both start laughing.
Woody Allen could not have written a more fabulously absurd and awkward moment.
Steve gets his machine going and then stares at Harry.
Harry stares at him.
"You had a statement?"
Hang on. I am about to tell you the first few lines of this little pow-wow. I won't bother fleshing out the rest. The first few lines will tell you all you need to know.

Harry, " First, Michael shouldn't even be here. His only crime is guilt by association. Second I am being discriminated against because I'm black. I don't discriminate against Robert because he's a black-gay-uncle tom."
I jumped out of my seat, "Oh shit! In your Face!"
Ok I didn't say that....but man I wanted to.
Lets recap quickly.
Harry just called our boss a black-gay-uncle tom, to his face.
Best Meeting Ever.
I'm pretty sure Harry and I are getting fired.
SFW
At 10 minutes before the end of our shift Harry and I get called into the office and are told we have to talk to Steve before we leave. Harry tells me "at 3pm I'm out. He has 10 minutes."
3 pm rolls around and Harry leaves.
I wait 10 minutes before I walk into the office and tell Robert I was supposed to be meeting someone at 3 ( which I was) he calls Steve. Steve says give me 15 minutes.
Nope. I figure if Steve wants to fire me he can come in on his day off and fire me, I'm not waiting around a half hour for him to fire me.

To quote the Ghetto Boys?
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

I just thought of another funny story involving Richard

When I was 12 or 13 my Mom married my step dad. He's a great guy, I won't say a bad word about him.
BUT.
All of a sudden we go to church on Sunday morning. Which I found confusing because for the previous 13 years that was the other day that we slept in...the one right after Saturday?
It reminded me of my recollection of the first day of kindergarten. I am sure that they warned me I was going to be going to school, but in my mind it went like this:
I was rudely awakened very early in the morning, shoved into some new clothes and dumped off at school. I beat up a kid or 2 for giving my friend Brad Karoda a hard time because he was Japanese. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and was told I had to ask before I could go to the bathroom. That seemed like a breach of my constitutional right of freedom of urination and I treated it as such by going to the bathroom despite not having permission. Then my Mom picked me up.
The next day I was rudely awakened very early in the morning and I told my mom I wasn't going because I didn't much like it.
No luck.
Ok, so I went to church week after week, not much caring for it all.
Then one week my friend Richard asked me to go to his aunt Michael Anne's church. (she hated us calling her Aunt Michael Anne...she was only a couple of years older than us)
I didn't want to go to any church but he assured me it would be cool.

Aunt Michael Anne's church was housed in a warehouse in an industrial park in Anaheim.
So far so good.
The main auditorium was a sea of folding chairs. Cool.
We grab some seats towards the back, to the side, in a safety zone of other teenagers.
The preacher starts. He is yelling and screaming and Hallelujahing all over the place. I couldn't really follow the message because :
1) I'm pretty sure he was just freestyling the shit.
2) Richard and I were transfixed by a guy in his 20's that was alternating taking giant swigs from an 84 ounce mug of coffee and slamming his fist into his palm and saying "YEAH!"
Then the preacher called for "testimony"
It turns out this was a variation on glossolalia. People would randomly stand up and say stuff like:
"Yea mighty redeemer of eternal glory find my soul heretofore repentant upon mightiness of light!"
"And the glory on all high shone upon my soul in a waterfall of Godliness and truth"
Actually, it wasn't that coherent to be frank.
Then, just as I have Richard fired up enough to stand up and give his own testimony?
A guy stands up and says "Behold!"
and before he can utter another syllable? the Pastor says
"Brother! Wait until the spirit Truly Leads!"
Yeah, Richard didn't much feel like testifying after that.
Then, after the basket is passed around, and some singing happens the Pastor invites people to come up and receive the Lords Healing.
People wander up, he smacks them around and they flop on the floor for a spell.
A good time was had by all.

Richard looks at me, "you want to go get healed or get some punch and cookies?"
I opted for the punch and cookies.
Then we took Aunt Michael Anne's Pinto wagon out and
did J-turns and donuts in the parking lot for a while.

I have to say that was the most fun I ever had at church sober.

My Crazy Friend Richard

In high school I had this friend Richard. Usually amongst my friends I was the friend to come up with and then carry out very stupid acts.
"hey lets jump off that bridge into the river!"
"No way, that's too high"
"No it' not ...watch!"
You get the picture. But frequently Richard was the one that would do stuff that had me shaking my head. One time we were riding our bikes and we saw these two little girls walking home from school. We cruised silently up next to them and right as we got parallel Richard yelled "BOOM!!" as loudly as possible.
Holy crap! Those little girls jumped a couple feet up and a couple to the left, like startled cats.
We cracked up ....about 3 houses down Richard turned around and went and apologized to the little girls. When he got done he said "are we still friends?" One little girl said yes and we peddled off.
Another time we talked my other friend Jhonny into taking us out ' geefing'
I don't know how the name came about but ' geefing ' is the practice of squirting people with the kind of fire extinguisher that is basically a large silver canister of water under pressure. You fill it up at the gas station.
So, we go out squirting strangers walking down the street for a few hours. On our way to drop off Richard he sees a guy a block or 2 from his house which seems too close to home to be squirting anybody but Richard insists that we get this kid.
So we pull up, soak the kid and speed off.
A few minutes later we are standing around in Richards driveway and who comes walking around the corner but the guy we just soaked.
It's not like we can run, and really why would we? 3 vs. 1 are pretty good odds.
The kid walks right up to Richard arms spread out in outrage, "what the fuck Richard?"
"Sorry Danny, I had to take the shot."
Danny says, "you're such a dick, dude." and walks towards his house. The house right next door to Richards house.
As he's walking away Richard says "hey, we still playing racquetball tomorrow?"
Without looking back Danny said "yeah."
Once the guy was in his house we cracked up. Richard looks at me, "hey remember that girl we scared the pee out of the other day? That's her brother."
It might sound like he was kind of a jerk and a bully but the reality is the only people that didn't like Richard were jealous of him.
Now, as charming as Richard was? His brother was a detestable little punk. His name was Tony or something.
One time I was staying the night at Richards house. We were hanging out in his room waiting for his mom to go to sleep so we could sneak out and go to this party at my girlfriends house. his mom went to bed at like 8pm or something because she was a nurse and worked really early. We're sitting in Richards room and his mom is in bed with her door open waiting for Tony to come home. His brother saunters in and on his way to his room their mom calls out to him. He stops in front of her door and stands there kind of swaying.
We are watching from Richards room and 2 things become obvious.
1) he's drunk.
2) his neck is a spectacular mosaic of hickeys.
This should be good.
Here is the conversation, verbatim :
Mom: where have you been?
Tony: don't worry about it.
M: are you drunk?
T: (incredulously, sarcastically) Nooo
M: what's that on your neck?
T: HICKEYS, WHY?! (At the top of his lungs)
Gold. Comedy Gold.

So Richard and I go to the party. It was a great party.
In attendance? Richard, me, my girlfriend and 6 of her best friends.
Great! we drink her dads booze, we play a game of spin the bottle with phenomenal odds of kissing a pretty girl. (Kelly was one of those hot girls who only hung out with hot girls)
Towards the end of the party we all end up in Kelly's room on the floor, in the dark.
Not as racy as it would seem. Basically we were all lying on the floor and the girls were picking our brains about why teenage boys do the stupid shit they do. I was kind of making out with my girlfriend and Richard was finally getting the chance to hold the hand of this redhead he liked.
(Or so he thought.)
The lights suddenly come on and it's the room-mate who was supposed to be keeping an eye on us but instead was smoking a lot of pot in her room.
"shit, you kids ain't doin' shit" she says and flicks the lights back off.
Eventually the party winds down and we are riding our bikes home.
Richard looks over at me, "what's that on your neck?"
I yell out "hickeys, why!"
"actually dude you do have a hickey."
"Shit. I've never had a hickey....This was a pretty good day, hunh?"
"fuck no it wasn't. Both you and my brother got hickeys and I got to hold a fucking foot."

That's right, when the lights came on he realized he was holding a foot, not a hand.

I am dangerously close to buying a Saab. Pray for me.

First, don't let the title of the post confuse you into thinking I don't like Saabs.
I like esoterica and weirdness. I have owned plenty of cool, yet weird, cars so this would just be another in the line. I mean, some of my greatest automotive memories happened in a VW Thing
But at this point in my life? I know better.
The only way I would buy a classic Saab at this point is if it was owned by an older guy. One owner. All service records. Low miles...
So I have a customer that the only way he can buy a car is if he gets rid of this car.
Ok. I have a chance to buy a $3-4,000 car for $1,000
And he's the one owner blah blah blah.
So if all works out My winter car will be a Saab 900 turbo convertible.
(anyone see the irony here? The PO made this his summer only car and this will be my winter only car...nevermind)...so if I start talking about Swedish automotive arcana in the next few months you will be able to look back at this as the day it started.
BTW, I found a set of Carrol Shellby limited edition wheels for the Saab on craigslist. These wheels were a factory tuner special available in dealerships from '87 to '91 ...anyway...wish me luck.

I spend a lot time simply trying to amuse Michael.

I have this thing I do that some people get...and F' the ones that don't!
OK slow down..
I like to dissect, in an erudite fashion, stupid bullshit.

For example I enjoy parsing the grammar of street slang.

I had this conversation the other day.

My friend(MF): "how was your lunch?"
Me: Da bomb!
MF: oh yeah? The bomb?
Me: no, DA bomb.
MF: there's a difference?
Me: oh yeah. Nobody says "the" bomb anymore, it's "Da"
MF: so "Da" for "the"?
Me: yep.
MF: what is the plural of that...like "these?"
Me: "dese"
MF:
Me: would you like me to use it in a sentence?
MF: yes.
Me: Do you like cds or tapes?
MF: Um..cds?
Me: how would you like to see dese nuts on your chin?!

(see...it's a crude oral sex joke?)
(also? I assure you this was an actual conversation I had while waiting for my latte to be made whilst at work)

Selling cars for fun and profit

I got into selling cars because there was nothing else to do in Flagstaff to keep your head above water. It's a small town with a mostly service economy.
So unless you are qualified to work at the university or the hospital? You're boned.
I won't get into the mixed emotions of making profit off of nice people.
(or the thrill of absolutely sticking it to some dickhead)
I will say I can look you in the eye and say I have never ripped anyone off.

It's the very embodiment of the dichotomy principle. It is hot and cold, black and white, good and evil.
If you don't sell a car you make no money. Do you know what it's like to work a 12 hour shift and not make a single penny?
Conversely? Do you know what it's like to spend 90 minutes with a very nice older couple and make $1,200?
(wait...that doesn't sound right. I should add "with your clothes on" or some such disclaimer)
It can be a lot of fun. It can also be the most stressful stupid job of your life.

I have been thinking about a few funny things that happened just this week.
(I know I said there is a dichotomy, so the astute ones among us might be wondering about the not so funny things. I am not about to start complaining. I have tried to make the point of this blog to run a highlighter over what is funny about my life. I doubt anybody wants to read about what is pissing me off about life...unless I have a funny take on it.)

So. Just a few things that cracked me up this week?

First, for those that don't yet know? I am an observant SOB. I eaves drop and watch and in general try to know everything about everything that is going on around me.

So a few things I overheard this week:

Customer to salesman: I want you to know, I am serious about looking at cars. I am not serious about buying a car.

Salesman to a customer looking at a Volkswagen Passat (which is actually a very nice car) :
Yes the Germans are known for their coachwork; fit and finish...
(inaudible comment from customer)
...umm, No, it's leatherette.

This next aside I need to preface with a little education about the car business.
No matter what, every time you come into the managers office to ask do we have car XYZ you will have a manager yell at you "have you walked the lot?!"
Meaning "have you actually gone out and looked for yourself if we have that car?"
and the annoying thing is, knowing you are going to get yelled at? You have walked the lot in the hope that you can find the car yourself and avoid going into the damn office to get "have you walked the lot?!" yelled at you.
SO. We get told what our new pathetic benefits are.
I was out on the lot talking with Shane. I told him that I miss how good the benefits are at a bank.
I said, "when I started here I asked if we have a 401K and Robert said, "have you walked the lot!?"

(let me know if any of these are funny outside of the lot because these are all killers on premises)

Bar Brawl Elmo

I was recently reminded of the Christmas that Hopper got a Tickle Me Elmo.
Jee bought one in July or something; way before the whole Elmo craze kicked off.
Do you remember the year that people went apeshit for Elmo? People were selling them on Ebay for crazy money. It was just stupid.
Anyway. Hopper gets this Tickle Me Elmo.
He can't squeeze hard enough to make the thing work though. He somehow figures out that if he lays the doll on the floor and pushes on his chest 3 times the doll will do it's thing.

Picture it: toddler lays Elmo on the floor, pushes on his chest 1-2-3...and then the doll flops around as if having a seizure.
CPR Elmo is born.

So friends would come around and I'd tell Hopper. " go get CPR Elmo".
He'd get the doll and do his thing. Big Laugh.
Then he got wise.
"why do I need to get down on the floor and push on this things chest " he thought.
"why not just stomp on the chest?"

Now picture this: Toddler drops doll on the floor. Toddler savagely stomps the doll three times
'unh, unh, unh!' doll flops around as if having a seizure.
Let me introduce "Bar Brawl Elmo".

So the same friends come around and I say have you seen Hoppers new doll? they say "yeah we saw it, funny stuff dude"
"Actually I don't think you have seen anything like this. Hey Hopper! Elmo was talkin' smack again!"
Hopper brings the doll in and says some baby talk angrily (kid couldn't talk yet but , damn, he could chew you out in baby talk) and then stomps the hell out of the doll. Doll flops around like it just took a hell of a beating (which it did).

Man I miss those days.

Ever meet someone so happy it kind of scares you?

I got my hair cut yesterday by a woman I am sure was totally insane.
It was a scarier experience than when I got my hair cut by a guy who was a little bit drunk.
(first warning sign? he started complaining about how much it sucks to get called in on your day off when all you want to do is kick back and have a few beers...I realized later that meant he had already started on the beers when they called him in)

This woman smiled constantly. Not a beatific, inner glow, bemused kind of smile. It was a mouth-always- open-I-may-be-retarded-I-may-be-crazy kind of smile.
And the way she talked? You know that Romper Room, overly sweet way certain preschool teachers have? It sounds as if they are trying to make everything sound exiting and fun.
Yeah, well, this chicks' amps went to 11.
She would have made the kids from the popsicle story (http://nothingpersonalbut.blogspot.com/2007/12/they-are-not-retards-they-are-special.html) complain about being condescended to.
When she said she was going to even up my sideburns she made it sound like a wonderful adventure to Happy Fun Land.
All the while this is going on I am listening to a completely incomprehensible Korean lady color this other guys hair.
I was sooo jealous.
A little tip for you kids? If you run across an Asian lady who you cannot understand at all? Let her cut your hair because those women can cut the hell out of some hair.
So while we are taking the Super Fun Bus to A Little More Off The Top Land a hot Latina walks out from the back.
Dammit! I didn't know there was a hot Latina in the back!
So, Hot Latina sassies up to the front desk in too tight pants and too much eye makeup. She snaps her gum, looks at the guest register, sings a couple verses of "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?" , struts to the back and yells something at the guy getting his hair colored in passing.
Meanwhile I am on the Super Neato Monorail to Would You Like A Little Jell In Your Hair Village.
I am really wishing that Hot Latina was cutting my hair, because frankly I do wish my girlfriend was hot like her. I do wish my girlfriend was a freak like her.
On the mirror in front of me is a sign that says if they didn't offer me a shampoo my hair cut would be free. Well this crazy lady definitely did not offer me a shampoo because I would have remembered being offered a Super Fantastical Cleanarific Shampoo.

At this point I became sad for opportunities lost.
here is the scenario I envisioned.
Hot Latina is cutting my hair, I'm flirting and talking like I'm a playa'.
It comes time to pay and I say, "hey you didn't offer me a shampoo"
So she gives me the free haircut
and I turn around and tip her %100 'cause I'm a hustla' baby
(you should be hearing Pharrell in your head right now)
That would have been Money.

Instead I went away scared. She chased me half way to my car making sure I had a Super Great Weekend.

I love music.
I am a bit of an Anglophile.
I love hip hop.
I love to dance.
combine some of those things and you'll figure out...
I love brittish hip hop.

So look to the right at the Youtube link.
It's black but I want you to click on the first link.
I click that damn thing and I can't help but dance around my apartment like an idiot for 3 minutes 54 seconds.

This may surprise some people but I become possesed from time to time and dance dance dance around my apartment. This is one of those songs that does it for me. It's quirky and catchy and geeky ......
and fucking fun to dance to.

I can't help myself, tell me if you can.

oh, and if the beat isn't enough, check out the LYRICS

lets all count our blessings...and our felonies

I had a touching customer on Christmas eve.
I won't bore you with the details.

Short version: she has bone cancer.
She has always wanted a New Beetle. We had the exact car she wanted so she came in and bought it. It was the easiest sale ever and she damn near broke my heart.
She cried when she found out she would be able to take the car home the same night. I almost cried when she told me that the person taking her cancer the hardest was her 11 year old. Jeebus, Turbo is just 12 right?
She talked about how she needed the car to go to her real estate classes, 2 nights a week.
What a trooper! Given a year to live but still taking the classes?!
She was a Hugger (2 times) and a Cryer (3 times)

So I went into Christmas feeling a little better about the fact that I wasn't going to see Turbo this year.
It was hard at first but once I had some perspective ....I may not see him this season, but at least I knew I would be alive to see him next year...

That was the 24th.

Today we found out she used a stolen identity.
I know at least one manager is trying to make me the scapegoat on this deal even though I was the only one to not drop the ball.
See, it turns out the person whose identity she assumed to get the car had a fraud alert on it.
If you know how to read a credit report you can tell that there were a lot of discrepancies.
For example, she said her current address was xyz but her credit report showed that to be a previous address.
Um...that's called a 'red flag'...Should have been caught by at least one of the managers that handled the deal, no?
Sooo...I may lose my job because of this.

Merry Christmas.