Ever meet someone so happy it kind of scares you?

I got my hair cut yesterday by a woman I am sure was totally insane.
It was a scarier experience than when I got my hair cut by a guy who was a little bit drunk.
(first warning sign? he started complaining about how much it sucks to get called in on your day off when all you want to do is kick back and have a few beers...I realized later that meant he had already started on the beers when they called him in)

This woman smiled constantly. Not a beatific, inner glow, bemused kind of smile. It was a mouth-always- open-I-may-be-retarded-I-may-be-crazy kind of smile.
And the way she talked? You know that Romper Room, overly sweet way certain preschool teachers have? It sounds as if they are trying to make everything sound exiting and fun.
Yeah, well, this chicks' amps went to 11.
She would have made the kids from the popsicle story (http://nothingpersonalbut.blogspot.com/2007/12/they-are-not-retards-they-are-special.html) complain about being condescended to.
When she said she was going to even up my sideburns she made it sound like a wonderful adventure to Happy Fun Land.
All the while this is going on I am listening to a completely incomprehensible Korean lady color this other guys hair.
I was sooo jealous.
A little tip for you kids? If you run across an Asian lady who you cannot understand at all? Let her cut your hair because those women can cut the hell out of some hair.
So while we are taking the Super Fun Bus to A Little More Off The Top Land a hot Latina walks out from the back.
Dammit! I didn't know there was a hot Latina in the back!
So, Hot Latina sassies up to the front desk in too tight pants and too much eye makeup. She snaps her gum, looks at the guest register, sings a couple verses of "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?" , struts to the back and yells something at the guy getting his hair colored in passing.
Meanwhile I am on the Super Neato Monorail to Would You Like A Little Jell In Your Hair Village.
I am really wishing that Hot Latina was cutting my hair, because frankly I do wish my girlfriend was hot like her. I do wish my girlfriend was a freak like her.
On the mirror in front of me is a sign that says if they didn't offer me a shampoo my hair cut would be free. Well this crazy lady definitely did not offer me a shampoo because I would have remembered being offered a Super Fantastical Cleanarific Shampoo.

At this point I became sad for opportunities lost.
here is the scenario I envisioned.
Hot Latina is cutting my hair, I'm flirting and talking like I'm a playa'.
It comes time to pay and I say, "hey you didn't offer me a shampoo"
So she gives me the free haircut
and I turn around and tip her %100 'cause I'm a hustla' baby
(you should be hearing Pharrell in your head right now)
That would have been Money.

Instead I went away scared. She chased me half way to my car making sure I had a Super Great Weekend.