Signs That Your Campaign Might be In Trouble

ok.....if a former Secretary Of State...
and National Security Advisor...
and Chairman Of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff.....
who is a member of your party endorses your opponent?
Your campaign might be in trouble.
If your most recent endorsement is....lets see...oh, I know:
Kurt Schilling!
You are in even worse trouble than I thought.
That's deep shit right there.
Think about that, on one side you have Colin Powell backing Obama...you heard of Colin Powell, right?
Um, lemme' see.....MBA from George Washington University, served 2 terms in Vietnam, rose to the rank of 4 Star General blah, blah, blah...plus all that Secretary Of State horseshit I mentioned earlier....
On the other side, Kurt Schilling....lets see....3 world series rings, lifetime era of 3.46, 2001 World series mvp and a 98 MPH (in his prime) fastball. Of course his only experience in political matters up to this point is limited to testifying in front of congress in 2005 about steroid use in baseball.

In terms of having the faith of powerful, influential people behind you....
I'm going to go with the guy with all the "experience" in politics versus the guy that you would kill to have on your company softball team.

Enh....maybe I'm biased...

Guess What I Did On My Day Off...

Ok take a flying leap at what I did with my day off yesterday.
G'head, I'll wait.
(at this point you should hear the theme music for Final Jeopardy in your head....or maybe even hum it to yourself)

If you guessed:
-did laundry
-went to the library
-worked out
-blogged
-wandered aimlessly around Whole Foods, listening to my music, chatting up the pretty woman in the cheese/produce/seafood department. Oh, and the guy behind the meat counter...but I couldn't accurately tell you if he's all that good looking or not...that's just not my thing. I am relentlessly hetero despite my metrosexual facade . Ask anybody.
-Subsequent to the Whole Foods trip cooked a needlessly elaborate meal considering it was for only one person

Any one of these (or perhaps several of these) would have been a good guess.
However, that's not what I'm talking about.
I voted.
I partook of the early voting process.
Heartily, I may add.
I voted long. I voted hard. I voted deep.
I voted the shit out of it.

The thing is, I am a political junkie. I can tell you, at great length, why I rated Reagan as one of my least favorite modern presidents until Bush came along. I am very much interested in the outcome of this campaign...and I wound up voting completely by accident.
I didn't set out to vote.
It's actually kind of weird.
I was at the mall. I fucking hate the mall. I was going to say I avoid it like the plague...but who even knows what the hell the plague is? I avoid the mall like herpes. Like kicks to the balls. Like tainted shellfish.....like taints...(ok that last bit may have been borderline inappropriate...taints..)
But...You get the picture?
So, for some reason I decided I wanted to see if I could find a protective case for my cell phone.
(they did have one, it was stupid-expensive considering it probably cost next to nothing to make and I passed on it.)
Anyway.I have developed a defense mechanism for places like the mall or Walmart.
I listen to mp3s on my phone and pretend I am in a video in which a cool, good looking, well dressed guy in his 30's ironically walks amongst the uneducated-unwashed masses.....
and if you think this is snobby and rude? Then you're stupid and you probably smell gross...I'm just saying...
So there I am, walking in the mall, trying not to hate or punch anyone and I round a corner and there it is, a polling place. It was like I turned a corner and I found a hot chick giving out free CD's and sushi and bourbon . I slowed down my pace as I approached, trying to take it all in ....to make sure I really was seeing what I was seeing.
I walked up to the nice old lady and she said, "are you here to vote?"
I was like a little kid, "Can I?!"
She broke down the rules (have a valid I.D. be registered etc...) and I got in line and voted like a madman.
I won't go into all the ins and outs.
But! If Obama becomes president, I am totally taking credit. I voted for him waaaay before all you fuckers and y'all just copied me.
I won't even get into all the reasons why you should vote for Obama.
The Real News (found on most channels) tells you why...and the Fixed News...or Fake news...or..umm Fox "News" tells you why by talking all kinds of retarded bullshit...and I apologize to Retards for saying that. Even Retards think "umm what you are saying? ....Fox "news" makes no fucking sense. And I'm a retard!" (you should hear a super fake, over the top, cliche, retard voice when you read that.)
(again...sorry to Retards. And that includes you Dubya.)
So.
I voted for Obama.
Duh.
But the other thing on the ballot that I voted for...or actually against as the case may be...
Hang on....
Here in Colorado they have a ballot initiative for a constitutional amendment to make it official that "life begins at the moment of conception" And....AND.!!..that little lump of egg and sperm, the millisecond that it bifurcates into 2 cells, it has the same rights as you and I.
Think about that. The fraction of a second that it takes.....the moment of fertilization...I'm near to speechless...what the fuck?
Is a seedling the same as a 100 year old oak?
Fuck no.
Come on.
A 2 celled organism, that may at some point become a human, has the same rights as you and I?
Get the fuck out of here.
I will barely concede that my 13 year old son has the same rights as me. And god only knows how many cells He has...he's going through puberty for fuck's sake...

So.
I voted for Obama. And I voted against giving double-celled organisms driving privileges, voting rights and the ability to supersize their happy meal.
And anybody that doesn't like it? Well, I challenge you and that ...that...collection of cells to a fight...you and the cells versus me and ...I don't know...um..a cage fighter? I mean, if you really think that is a human being with full human rights and not just a small assortment of cells...well then lets the 4 of us have a fight and you see how much back up those cells are versus my cage fighter...and I'll even let you pick...you can pick a guy that is 0-40 ...
40 fights 40 losses....
I could probably beat that fucker.... even with my separated shoulder (on account of spending so much time in that ditch?Remember?)
and I will still take that Human Being over your little pile of cells.

I'm.
Just.
Saying.

Hunh!

I like when a comment taken out of context is funny.
I'm about to watch a boxing match and the announcer says, "it's the punch you don't see coming that knocks you out ...now lets talk to Larry Merchant who you can always see coming"
WTF? You can always see Larry Merchat cumming?
Really?
Then later in the fight they are trying to explain that the key to this fight is that the fighter that hits first is doing better because there is no counter-punching going on.
The other announcer said, " if Mosely gets off first he looks better, if Cotto gets off first he looks better"
Again,
WTF?
I was starting to think they had a bet going on Like in "Super Troopers" when the one trooper bets the other trooper he can't say "meow" a certain number of times and so the trooper says to the couple he has pulled over "meow listen here" amongst other things.
I think they got this bet going that they couldn't say on the air something that would imply the fighter is having an orgasim.
Right as I had this thought Lamply said, "Mosely is impressive at this age. He just keeps coming and coming and coming"

Oh shit now it's a three way tie!

Suddenly I was more interested in what the announcers were saying than the fight itself. What kind of innuendo was going to be dropped next?!
For the next few rounds it just punching and stuff.
ZZZzzzzzz Boooring.
I thought it was going to end in a three way tie until Cottos mouthpiece was knocked out and Jim Lampley seized the opportunity by saying, "wow, that left his mouth like Paris Hilton spitting out a wad in the back of the limo!"

A little artless and obvious but I gave him the win nonetheless.

(that last bit may have been embellished)

Censoship People has reared its Ugly head.

I knew this day would come.
Well it's official, I have been censored on the internet.
You know what that means?

The Terrorists Have Already Won.

I can try to go to the mall and buy a bunch of useless crap I don't need like President Jackass has suggested....but it might be too little, too late. I'm afraid they really may have already won and there is nothing a vibrating leather chair can do about it.

I should explain. Last night I left a comment on a blog. That the blog owner refused to post.
It was my usual well thought out, expletive laden diatribe that only tangentially had anything to do with the the actual subject.
In essence I said "fuck Doulas."
Every doula I know is a lying douche.
Of course the one I know happens to be my ex wife and while I will grant the two facts about her: 1) shes a doula and 2) she's a lying douche may be independent of each other and doulas as a group might be good people....I'm just saying all the ones I know are bad people, ok?

But the censorship has already begun. The terrorist have already won and soon we'll all be sporting burkhas....of course this is still america so we'll have burkhas that say Phat Farm or Abercrombie on them...but that's not the point.....

Today Was A Good Day ( yes I am quoting an Ice Cube song)

It was a good day today because Chris revealed himself to be a pirate.

I should back up a little.
Chris is one of 2 new guys (the other is Marvin, a black dude who talks with a bit of a lisp so to me he always sounds like Tim Meadows character The Ladies Man...so of course I like Marvin.)
Chris is black too...but he's one of the whitest black dudes I've ever met.
But of course I'm too white to point that out...fortunately Hamlet has had a great time of pointing out how 'white' Chris is.
Oh....have I ever mentioned Hamlet? First, this is not a pseudonym. Hamlet is a Dominican guy from New York. Hamlet looks,acts, dresses and talks like the absolute cliche of what you think a Dominican guy from New York should be. I think he's awesome because he says thing to me like "watchoo need nigga?" if I'm trying to ask him a question. Plus? He's a Dominican guy from New York named Hamlet!
Don't even try to deny it; that's awesome.
So, to give you an example of how Hamlet points out that Chris is white despite the color of his skin, yesterday I happened to walk into the office and Hamlet , Chris and a couple of other people were there...I walk in as Hamlet says to Chris, "c'mon muthafucka, name one other member of the Wu Tang Clan besides Inspecta Deck" and Chris says, "umm lets see, there's Inspecta Deck..." and Hamlet turns to me, points and says, "Nigga, name somebody from Wu Tang."
I say, without hesitating, "The Rza, The Gza, Old Dirty Bastard, Ghostface Killa, Method Man..." He interrupts me looks at Chris, "see bitch, Michael blacker than you!"
Then he turns to me and says, "knowin' Wu Tang don't make you black......you know Bobby Digital?"
To which I respond, "I'm vegetarian, bitch, I don't eat the beef. Wait 'till you go to sleep I'll pull ya' teef."
Which is a Bobby Digital lyric....Bobby Digital is the alter ego of The Rza....but I digress.

So. I'm blacker than Chris...who is technically black... ( one time he mentioned his wife is black and somebody said "a mixed marriage? Nice!")

What the fuck was I talking about?
Oh yeah, Chris is a pirate.
He comes in wearing a belt that has a skull and cross bones belt buckle.
I'm serious.
So of course we all spend most of the day making great sport of his piratical belt buckle. We start sentences with 'argh' and 'avast'
(holy shit, spell check was fine with the word "piratical"
...anyway)
But, the best part of all the fun we had at his expense?
(and believe me, we had great fun. At one point he asked me, "what am I supposed to do?" I said, "I don't know, invent a time machine and go back to the moment in which you put that fucking belt on and then stop yourself?....Or at the very least, maybe buy a mirror for the house?")
Ok. He was about to leave. Marvin had a very cute young customer. I asked her if she had ever seen a real pirate. She , of course, was all "what the fuck?"
I summon Chris over, he shows her the belt buckle and she says....
wait for it...
"where'd you get that, Hot Topic?"
Yes!
Nice!
I couldn't help myself, I high-fived her.
Those who know me know I'm not a high-fiven' kind of guy...but that was exceptional.
She did not pause, did not think about it.
"Where'd you get that, Hot Topic?"
I looked at the woman who came with her, I said, "M'am, is this your daughter?" she said yes and I said, (with absolute sincerity) "you must be so proud."

When I'm President King part XXIV

I may have written about this before, if so I apologize to those have heard it already....
but when I'm President King the advertised sale price of grocery items (specifically the sale tags at the supermarket) will first have multi unit sale prices that are divisible by 2.
Ie: 2 for $10. I'm not going to even make them put a single unit price on something, I'm a fair guy. But we can all easily tell that the price per unit is $5. Even 4 for $5 is ok, (that's a buck and a quarter, easy enough) But when I see 7 for $13 or some random retarded fraction, fuck that. I shouldn't be forced to do algebra to find out how much my gaddamn cottage cheese is costing me. (sorry to those of my readers who may be retarded, nothing personal)
What brings this on tonight?
I was in the store and I passed through the chip eisle and saw that a brand of chips I happen to like was on sale....2 for the price of 1. The price of one being $3.98 a bag...so roughly $2, not a bad price I guess and easy enough to figure out how much it's going to cost me.
So....I happen to cruise by the "fresh" salsas (the kind they keep refrigerated) they have a brand I kind of like, which is unusual in this Wonderbread town, and it's on sale....3 for $5...damnit!...that's what, $1.67 each? Not bad I guess...then I happen to look at the salsa next to it....it looks kind of good too...but it is some other random fucking fraction.
Hmm...
So I think I'll get a little more clarity on this by looking at the fine print that
gives the price per ___...
Not much help there because the first tag says __ $ per ounce, the one next to it __$ per pound and the third brand? __$ per quart.
Ok, I was almost fine until I saw that last one.
Per quart? Really?
Why give me the price per quart? Who knows what a quart of salsa is? Who buys a quart of fucking salsa for personal consumption? What the hell am I doing with that much salsa...drinking it? Pouring it on cereal for fucks sake?
It is absurd to try to compare these 3 measurements. They may as well try to sell it to me in seconds per hectare. How the fuck am I supposed to compare a weight measurement with a volume measurement? Why not throw the per square inch price? Hey, why not go fucking metric with this bitch?! 3 euros per kilometer or some shit....
What the hell?
Nobody ever buys a fucking quart of salsa for personal consumption. What does a quart of salsa even look like?
What really annoys me is the obsfucation.
Why do you have to try to confuse me as a consumer? How about giving me clear information that will let me make an informed choice, fuckers?
It's not just obsfucation, it's unnecessary...do they think we'll just get all flustered and buy 5 for the price of 9 or something?
When I'm President King you will be able to look at a block of cheese or whatever and say, "OK, this one costs eleven cents per pound more than the other, but it's a higher quality product"
Or the reverse, "fuck that, the shitty cheese is 8 cents more per pound than the good stuff?!"
Informed choice without trickery ...is that so unreasonable?
The whole fucking point of having a sale is to increase sales so why not let people feel good about their choice because they have made an informed decision instead of just muddying the water?
I got so annoyed trying to do the math on this shit that I decided to forget the whole thing.
I refuse to pay $43,000 centavos for 7/16 of a decaliter of store bought salsa, I'm not gonna' do it.

I do have to say though..on the way out I happened to catch an awesome deal, the service deli had eleventy-five shmears of 3/4 fat cream cheese (which is soooo much better than 1/2 fat) on 75/15's* of a bagel.
Toasted!

* I was going to throw in some pi and 'squared' type mathematics and shit....but this stupid laptop** doesn't have the keys for that sort of thing)
** I'm going to change the name of 'laptops' when I'm President King.
First: most of the time people do not have them on their laps when they are using them.
Second: 'laptop' sounds vaguely sexual..... which is soooo stupid because if you are using a laptop in a sexual way (Internet porn? Heard of it?Anyone? Oh right, it's just me.) then the last place you want that fucking thing is on your lap)
I'm just saying.