Yet another Self diagnosis

A few years ago I diagnosed myself as having an inflection disorder.
I sometimes will say something like " I like your shirt " and the person I am saying this to will get offended and say archly "thanks pal" assuming I was being sarcastic. But I wasn't! I meant it. Part of the problem is that sometimes my sense of humor can be so dry that people don't know when I'm kidding or not.
Then back in July I diagnosed myself as suffering from ennui. (That has since metastasized into mild depression.)
Just recently I realized that I have a rare form of dyslexia. I read proficiently and profusely. I'm fine on the reading part...
I suffer from Signlexia.
I don't know if it is technically recognized by the AMA.
Sometimes I will read a storefront sign and the letters transpose and the sign doesn't make any damn sense to me.
For example there used to be a store I passed frequently in Portland it proclaimed in large letters:
WE PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR USED ELVIS!!
I found myself wondering if I have a used Elvis laying about because I sure could use top dollar...and then I realize the sign is offering to buy used LEVIS....
There is a store near the video store I go to that is called "
Budget Farmer.
Hmm...do they have cheap carrots I wonder?
Oh wait, Budget Framer. They frame your pictures for a reasonable price. Gotcha.
This happens to me with alarming frequency. Am I the only one suffering from this I wonder...could I be the first recorded case?
Incidentally, next door to the Budget Farmer? The liquor store proudly calls themselves:
YOUR
MICROBREW
HEAD
QUARTERS
I find it troubling. What are "head, quarters"?
And in more sign related news, there is a store right by my new office:
VACUUMS AND DRAGONS
Excuse me? Turns out it was a vacuum sales and service center. It seems that people just don't buy $1,200 vacuums so much anymore or get the ones they have serviced. By my math you can buy a decent vacuum at Target for $120...and you can figure that vacuum will last about 10 years...so a $1,200 vacuum represents a 100 year supply of vacuuming?
So they had to expand the business.
And what would be the natural companion business for a vacuum store? I hate to sound sexist but I would imagine that the demographic for a $1,200 vacuum would be a middle class or higher stay at home moms? So, lets have some kind of mom related side business...maybe some kind of scrap-booking store?
Wrong!.
The perfect companion business?
Dragons!
Apparently they have all kinds of medieval crap.
Little pewter statues and swords and shit. I haven't been in because I know I'll get a case of the giggles. But I asked around and word on the street is my hunch was right.

So if you're ever in the Springs come on down to the Budget Farmer, they're right around the corner from Vacuums And Dragons.....
Now if only we could get a store that will buy all these used Elvis I have laying about.....