Kirby

Talking about Vacuums And Dragons got me thinking about a prank I played on a guy I worked with.
The guy was a bit of a moron.

We were in training together, studying for our series 6 and 63 licenses. (This was when I worked for Chase.) That means we were stuck in a room together for about 6 weeks.

He is going on and on about how he wants a Kirby vacuum because this guy came out to the house and this thing is like a regular vacuum on steroids ...
(regular readers? You see what I did there? With the "on steroids" thing?)
He figures out he can buy a Kirby on eBay for about 1/2 the price. The thing about the Kirby vacuums is you can't just pick up the bags from Target, you have to get them from Kirby.

Ok. Game on.
I call him and put on my best Bill Lumbergh voice.
(Office space? Anybody?)


Me: Ummm yeah, may I speak to Jason?
Jason: This is Jason.
M: Hi Jason, I am Mr. Danson from the Kirby company. It has come to our attention that you recently purchased a Blackmarket Kirby vacuum?
J: Well, I wouldn't call it blackmarket...
M:Umm yeah, did you purchase the vacuum from an authorized Kirby distributor?
J: no...but I mean, if somebody doesn't want their vacuum anymore it's their right to sell it...
M: first it's inconceivable that someone wouldn't want their Kirby anymore...it's more likely that someone has come upon hard times and finds themselves in the position of needing to sell a valued asset. And you were there to take advantage of that.
J: hang on! I didn't take advantage of anyone!
M: ummm yeah, calm down sir. It's not really the concern of the Kirby Corporation if you purchased a vacuum valued at $1,800 for only $900. We are simply calling about the simple process of registering your Kirby.
J: registering ?....wait, how do you know how much I paid for the vacuum?
M: ummm, you mean the Kirby vacuum?
J: yeah, how do you know how much I paid?
(Ok clearly he wasn't totally dumb)
M: Yeah, we have very sophisticated tracking software that pulls data from the Internet regarding all Kirby sales, whether blackmarket or legitimate. I wouldn't expect a layman to understand sophisticated computer technology.


Hang on. I need to mention here. Jason, before he worked for Chase, sold Dell computers. He took orders over the phone. When he found out that myself and another former car salesman were getting the maximum starting salary and he was getting significantly less, he was offended. That offense was deepened when the other former salesman told him that selling cars was "hard sales" and selling a Dell to someone who called in to buy a Dell was "order taking". He tried to say that there was up-selling involved. To which I replied up selling and closing are 2 totally different things. Then he tried to make himself feel better by pointing out he knows more about computers than me. I replied I know more about selling than him.

J:I understand computer technology just fine!
M: umm, sir? You are getting unnecessarily upset here.
The Kirby Corporation no longer brings suit against blackmarket profiteers who take advantage of legitimate Kirby owners. I am simply calling to give you the opportunity to register your Kirby.
(I think he decided to ignore that last bit just to get me off the phone)
J: You said something about that earlier. Why do I need to register?
M: simply put registration allows you to purchase Kirby replacement bags through legitimate channels instead of buying your bags on the black market.
J: how much is it?
M:If you purchase it today ...gimme a sec here...(I tap on a noisy calculator I have handy)
ummm yeah, without taxes...$799.00.
J:Wha..wha...
(I can see him across the lobby gasping like a fish)
J: that's ridiculous!
M: I know! It's absurd how cheap it is to actually own a Kirby when you consider what a fine product it is!
J: I'm not paying that!
M: Umm yeah, I don't feel comfortable letting you make that kind of big decision in your current state of mind. Please consult with you spouse or domestic partner and I will call you in exactly 24 hours. (click)



Post script: First. Yes I did write out some notes of things I wanted to say to mess with the kid beforehand. I had a feeling I would be able to keep him on the line a while. I wish I could claim that was all ad-libbed.
Second. I had intended that if I could get off the line with him still believing the hoax I would call him the next day. Unfortunately the second he was off the phone the rest of our team flat out lost it. They were holding their stomachs and wiping tears.


That was one of my favorite pranks I have to say.