So I'm at it again...

Once more I have done myself grievous harm.
This Sunday I was cleaning in a furious fashion. I got thirsty. I went to the fridge to grab something to drink. I opened the freezer and my iron came rocketing down off of the top of the fridge like a goddamn scud missile and impacted my ankle with bad intentions.
That fucking iron was out to get me.
You know the knobby little bit of bone that sticks out on the side of your ankle? My iron hit that bone at a high rate of speed.
I happened to be on the phone with my friend Cindy at the time.
I unleashed the most unholy string of expletives known to man. I put together 5 and 6 word combinations that the English language has never heard before.
Cindy was troubled.

C: What happened?!
M: My fucking iron got me!
C: What?
M: My fucking iron hit me in the ankle
C: How the hell did your iron hit you in the ankle?
M: It was on top of the fridge and when I went to get some ice that fucking thing fell off and hit me in the ankle...I'm bleeding.
C: Why was it on top of the fridge?
M: I don't know!
C: Ok never mind that. Here's what you need to do, go put on a sock.
M: A sock?
C: Trust me I once nursed a rooster with a broken leg back to health.
M: They have socks for roosters?
C: Shut up Smartass! (That is her pet name for me, Smartass) The sock is going to help with the swelling. Then you need to get a bag of peas or corn out of the freezer.
M: No way! I'm not going to open that fucking freezer again!
C: Calm down sweetie. Where is the iron?
M: Well, after it fucked me up I kicked it over by the sink.
C: It's Ok, it can't hurt you anymore, you're safe.
M: Ok I'm going over to the freezer...wait, I'm not really that hungry.
C: You're not going to eat the peas you're going to put the bag on your leg.
M: Right I've heard of that....hang on... shit,I don't have any frozen peas or corn, you know I have this thing about fresh food.
C: Well what do you have?
M: Broccoli
C: Put it on your leg.
M: Are you sure?
C: Do you trust me or not?

So I woke up around 4 in the morning with my leg resting in a wet spot and a bag of defrosted vegetables flopped across my ankle.
I told everybody at work today that I got attacked by a pit-bull. No way am I admitting that my fucking iron turned bad and attacked it's owner.

I'm at home now...I've got peas all over my ankle.