Squeamish? Avert your gaze, this one gets gross.

I get a lot of spam in my email...who doesn't , right?
There are 2 kinds that I get the most.
First the "penny stock pumpers". It is always the same..."this stock is about to blow up and you better buy now because tomorrow it will fucking be up 600%!"
Right, and you figured you would , unsolicited, share it with ME?
Thanks!...Except ...if one has the intelligence and the werewithal to manage to buy an individual stock? Are you really going to fall for this bullshit?
individual stocks are purchased in lots of 1,000....that's why they invented mutual funds. So regular Joes' could get in on the fun. Think about it.
Today Apple shares closed at 143.75....so if you decided today you were going to buy shares in apple because you love your new iPhone so goddamn much...it would cost you $143,750. Do you really think if I have the cheese to do that I'm taking the advice of some fucking spammer?

So ok, fine...
Then there is the other kind I get. Apparently someone out there is under the impression that I am unhappy in my sex life. I get a lot of emails offering various Viagra type products. They claim to make me longer , harder, and longer lasting.
Whatever. Deleted.
BUT I got one recently that intrigued me. I had to open it. It said "Increase the amount of your..." Hang on. This is where it will start to get gross. "Increase the amount of your sperm by up to 800%! Cover her in it!"
wait....what?
GET THE FUCK OUT !!
I have to know.
I open it . The text (which I will refrain from re-creating here) essentially says you can increase your...
Stuff
by an insane percentage...."bathe her in it" is the gist of their suggestions.....riiiiight.
so, me being me, I did the math...If the average man produces a certain amount of the "stuff" at one time and you multiply it by 800% ...the amount I came up with was in the range of 3/4 of a cup. Which doesn't seem like a lot...but it's...
the fucking "stuff"!
It's not jello or pudding.
Oh, and before you even start to think I did some hands on testing in the lab? I googled how much the average man produces..
Here's the thing.....For the most part I have found that women don't really want your "stuff" on them.

Mostly.

I have encountered the occasional intrepid soul who is cool with...the "stuff"...but most women are somewhere on the continuum from 'tolerate'...the"stuff" to flat out 'do not get the "stuff" on me you motherfucker!'
I once knew a woman who didn't much like green beans, but was actually kind of cool with ..the "stuff". She had a pretty liberal policy about what happened when 'scene' was called. As long as I let her know where it's final resting place was going to be she was cool...except it could not wind up in her hair. That was a firm rule. She once said to me, "Don't ever try to feed me green beans and then cum in my hair, that's a deal breaker"

The point is, if this is a material that generally shouldn't wind up on a woman, why the hell would I want to increase the amount of it exponentially? And another thing? What if this is your first time with this woman? If it's ON her? yeesh. If it's in her and comes pouring out in a torrent? Not cool. But the worst? If you are wearing protection? When you pull out it will look as if you have a goddamn water-balloon hanging from the end of Mr. Happy....NOT COOL...how do you explain that? Do you tell her you're a virgin and that is 15 years of the "stuff" saved up?

why did I get this email? who is the target audience for this?....is this a real product?...OH! this would be the most awesome practical joke if you are married....imagine the look on your wife's face?!....
actually, I think that might be a direct quote from the email now that I think of it....