I tried to electrocute myself and blow up my car

Not simultaneously mind you.
I don't know what is wrong with me lately.
This last weekend I checked the oil in my car. The dipstick showed that the oil was pretty much gone. So I poured some oil in ...still nothing. Hm. Then I realized I was parked on a bit of an incline.
Duh.
So i move the car. It's still showing low so I put a bit more in ....
I get the car all squared away and head over to Walmart to get some hair clippers.

Look, I have gotten a thousand haircuts. I have been paying attention. I am ready. I can cut my own damn hair. (oh...and I accidentally wind up at the Ghetto-Ass Walmart. Great. I admit to being a bit of a snob but who has a 4 year old that looks like Lil' Jon ? Down to the grill. Really? Honestly? Not even on Halloween is that cool.)

So there I am all ready to clip my hair. I realize I don't want hair all over my shirt, so I take it off. Then I think I don't want hair all over the floor, why don't I stand in the tub and do this? And ....since I'm going to want to take a shower to wash all the hair off...I may as well take my pants off, right?
Sooo...there I am standing in the tub clippers in hand.Naked.
Then something funny happens. The nerve endings in my feet send me a message."ummm, dude? We're in , like , an inch of water down here?"ok...thanks feet..whatever...Wait....What?"
"Is this bad?"
I Jump out of the tub all cat-like.I toss the clippers in the sink and wipe my feet dry .....Was I in any real danger? Who knows....but when did my I.Q. drop to the point that warning labels are meant for ME?
So...as I am trying to figure out when I became retarded, it occurs to me...had I actually succeeded in electrocuting myself, when they FOUND my body? How does that look? Think about it...there I am : clippers in hand, in the tub...NAKED."What hair do you 'spose he was about to clip?"You don't need to be naked to give yourself a haircut, right?
Right. Not a pretty picture now is it?

Ok fine danger averted. I drive to work the next morning. As I pull into the parking lot I notice there is some smoke coming out of the engine bay...."hmm. I wonder if that's 'good' smoke?"
probably not.So I pop the hood. My car has blasted oil all over itself! There is no oil cap. Great! So I need to get down to the auto parts store and get a new 710 cap..
but now the car is low on oil again because it's been shooting all over itself.so i need to add MORE ....right?
Finally my brain shows up on the set. WHY is the oil cap gone? It got blowed off!...But why? I check the dipstick...there should be about 2-3 inches of oil on the stick? I have about 5-6...whoops.
So for my lunch on Monday I drive over to Walmart
( I really suspect Walmart has something to do with this shit by the way)
I have no 710 cap so my car is continuing to ejaculate oil all over itself...I fixed the car in the parking lot of Walmart. End of story.
But ....
When did I become so retarded?

Why am I suddenly such a danger to myself?