When I'm President King

You will not be allowed to name your kid whatever the fuck you want. There will be no more kids named Kal-El, OK?
Wait, am I being racist? Am i saying that an ethnic, possibly Muslim, name will not be allowed in My America?
Oh no no no.
Kal-El is what Nick Cage named his second child (it was the birth name of Superman)
You want irony? Nick Cage did a sketch on SNL a few years ago...the basic premise is that he and Julia Sweeny are going to have a baby.
(big fucking stretch there, no?)
They are discussing names and every name she comes up with he has a problem with it because the kid will be made fun of....I'm just going to paste the last part of the sketch here...

Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.
Husband: "The Nate Rockne Story." "Hey, Nate, where's the Gipper?"
Wife: What?
Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?
Wife: [ leafing through book ] I'm looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?
Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?
Wife: Bjaardker. It's Icelandic.
Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that's a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife's belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.
Wife: I love you.
Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.
Wife: Alright.
Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?
Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I've got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I'm supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] "Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane." Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]
Husband: Uh.. listen.. that's "Os-wee-pay".
Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?
Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]
Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.
Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?
Wife: Oh, honey..


Sorry, I know in America we have rights and freedoms....but your right to name your kid whatever asinine, fucked up thing you want is completely superseded by the right of your child to not get his ass kicked repeatedly for years to come and to not have to spell his name every single time he/she gives it.
Kal-El Cage? fucking come on.

There will be a simple process. If the name you choose for your child is found in any number of baby naming books readily available at your local bookseller?
Done.
Automatic approval. (even if it's Bjaarkder)
If however the computer rejects the name we go to step 2.
There is an appeal process.
If you can show that the name means something lovely in your native tongue? Or it's a traditional name?
Great. you're in.
If someone in your family had that fucked up name? I'm sorry, but it's in.
If it's a made up, vaguely Afrocentric name? Starquisha? You're in. (sorry, but my 4Th language is Ebonics)
If it's something you took out of the dictionary and it's lovely or poignant? In. stupid and arbitrary? out.
IE: Kestrel (a type of falcon)
Chrysalis (the stage of life representing transformation) or
Chance (which means...um chance?)
all in.
rumor, trouble, steed?
all fucking out.
(I did in fact go to school with a guy named Steed. How cruel.)

As my Lifetime Administration goes on it will become easier and easier.
we will keep a database of rejected, fucked up names so that the approval/denial process will become quicker.
If some asshole tries to name their kid 4Real (as a couple in New Zealand recently tried to do.....they saw the sonogram and realized the kid was "for real" and hence the name)
the name will get automatic rejection the next time.
Another feature of the process will be that as the database grows we will be able to offer alternatives to the retarded names. Someone will try to name a kid Castrateia and the system will say
"I'm sorry Castrateia is not available....if you liked Castrateia you might like Kestrel."

Now this system will completely be hands off in terms of nicknames. I will insure that nobody has too fucked up of a name on paper. However, my Elected-Monarchy will have a definite libertarian slant.
I grew up with a kid named Hot Rod Austin. He was one of the coolest fucking people I have ever met.
(And I grew up in Los Angeles where they spawn cool fuckers as prodigiously as they grow oranges and install saline implants. It's the place where the rest of the country sends their cool fuckers to flourish and thrive.)

If you want to call your kid Koolwhip The Destroyer? That is totally fine with me. Just don't put it in the record.

Give them the option of a normal life.