The Spirit Of Competition

I have been ruminating on the competitive nature of mankind. It's kind of weird when you think about it. I mean we have contests for everything.
Dancing, singing, flinging poo. If you can do it we'll have a contest to see who can do it the bestest.
Now, with the explosion of popular media (TV, Internet?) it has gotten out of hand.
You can see anything from the ridiculous to the sublime.
Or both.
Battle of The Network Stars ? Anyone?
Seriously, they have race walking.
How does that come about? 2 guys walking down the street, one starts walking faster, the other guy speeds up....then the one guy says, "hey lets see who can walk to the corner fastest" so they get walking all fast until one guy starts running
"Hey! No fair that's running!"
"ok...lets define walking...."
"Right...just off the top of my head? I'm just freestylin' here..."

1)
at least one foot must be in contact with the ground (as viewed by the human eye)
2)
the lead leg must be straight from the moment of contact until the leg is vertical (as viewed by the human eye)
"Ok...cool. Hey can we move our arms in a crazy fashion?!"
"hells yeah!"
"I think we got us a sport buddy"

We have made a competition out of a bodily function!
Eating.
Yes eating.
Who can eat the most, the fastest , etc. And it's on TV.
There are 2 other necessary bodily functions that lend themselves to competition that we have yet to see.
Sex and Poo.
One I want to see. The other? Not so much.

Lets take the one I want to see first.
Forget the X-Games. I want to see the Sex Games.
The possibilities are limitless.
Think of it formatted kind of like ice skating or gymnastics.

You have your individual events:
Masturbation:
Individual: by hand , by device.
Mutual: hand, device again. (extra points for simultaneity)
Oral. Men's and women's.
(this can be broken into the objective and subjective. One event speed, the other style)
Missionary: Fastest to completion.
It just goes on and on.
But the main event? Picture it sort of like a combination of the Compulsories and the Pairs skating.
A 3-d kama sutra extravaganza in which you have to incorporate a certain amount of "moves" over the course of your program.
Certain "moves" are given more points for difficulty than others.
You must have one partner "finish" to qualify for a medal....of course both partners "finishing" earns extra points....and even more points for simultaneity.
(This is a timed event)
Short program and long program?
Absolutely.
I really see this as being a big hit in the future...we just have to wait for Fox or Spike to finally evolve into hard core porn programming.

The other? all I can say is this will be a side dish to the eating competitions. I see it as a speed competetion mainly. How do we judge the speed from gustation to elimination?
One word.

Corn.

(I'm Sorry)