Ennui

My sister self diagnosed her Ennui.
I don't like it, not one bit.
(which is a Ren and Stimpy reference that no one ever, ever gets)
(not the part about my sister)
I have this constant shadow of a thought of my sister the way I remember her at ....lets say 8 years old? Everybody likes her, she's preternaturally sunny and cute. In my mind she's always on rollerskates on a sunny day. 'Brown eyed girl' is playing in the background?
Sky rockets in flight?
anyone?

anyway.
I had the same problem back in July .
Unfortunately mine has metastasized into mild depression.
Look, I woke up at 5 am and now here I am blogging.
Not normal behavior.
OK, those that know me are pondering "when has he ever exhibited normal behavior?"
That's a fair question.
But am I really an "up at the crack of dawn on my day off " kind of guy?
Or more of a "stay up all night, sleep all day" kind of guy?
OK?
But the most annoying thing is Why I'm Awake.
Lately I have been waking up too, too early and not being able to go back to sleep because of bad dreams.
It feels very much like my mind is betraying me.
I should explain. People like me...
(high intelligence (and I ain't bragging) high energy (and don't tell me 'ain't ain't a word and I ain't gonna' use it') and OCD tendencies. (ain't is the contraction of "am-not"and has unfortunately fallen on hard times.)
Tend to dream vividly.
There is a new theory that dreams are a way of distracting the mind so that you can get some rest.
Kind of like putting a toddler in front of a video so you can get the laundry folded; your mind spins out crazy images based on your experiences, desires etc. so you will stay in a resting state.
It's your mind telling you a funny story.
A little different than Freud, no?
But here's what it has to do with me being up at 5 am.
I usually have crazy-ass dreams.
I wake up with ideas for movies and books based off my dreams.
So the fact that my mind has been lately throwing unpleasant images at me to the point that it's better that I just wake up...usually around 6 am..well that sucks. I thought we were friends, unconscious mind.
But the reason I am so annoyed and writing right now?
I was having a good dream...like in the old days.
I won't bore you by telling you the details. I'll just sketch it for you.

I was traveling with some people. A woman who I liked yet had previously shown no interest in me revealed that she actually had a huge crush on me.
So, you know that moment when you first have the courage to touch someone you have liked intensely, knowing they will allow you to touch them?
(ok maybe you don't know, but surely you can imagine how tingly and awesome that would feel?)
So, I wrapped my arms around her from behind and she settled back into my arms. She purred kind of. I Kissed her neck, I was about to bite her ear when she turned into me and we kis....

NO!
we didn't kiss because I woke up.
DAMMIT!
And? I woke up in a jolting fashion....
you have a bad dream and you can't deal with it so your subconscious mind slaps you awake?

I can't even have a good goddamn dream anymore?
Come On!
I woke up and every anxiety of my conscious mind flooded me. I wanted to sink back into that dream and I just couldn't.

This sucks.

I miss my ennui