Last night Calvin surprised me as I came out of the kitchen, "hey dad check this out" and he opened his mouth in a gaping grin...he had a hole where a molar should be.
When I went into the kitchen he wasn't a meth head...wtf?
Then he brandished a tooth.
-what the hell dude?
-I lost a tooth
-I didn't know you had a loose tooth
-yeah I don't tell anybody when I have a loose tooth...cause they'll try to pull it
-Who the fuck is trying to pull your teeth?!
-yeah... mostly just mom.
His mom is one of those weird people who can't keep her hands off other people.
Ever know one of those people? Always fiddling with your hair and shit.
I made a comment about it and my friend Cindy said I was being mean but I had to prove my point so I said to Calvin, does your mom pop your pimples? he said "no...I had to make her stop"
How much do I fucking hate people that pop other people's pimples? Hyuk!
Seriously, are you a fucking monkey? Keep you hands off the rest of the pack. Jeebus Crispers.
(See how I substituted that for saying Jesus fucking Christ? I'm gaining sensitivity in my old age)
I had a friend in high school that used to get ingrown hairs on his back (Hyuk!) and we would be at his house and he would lay on the floor and his mom would pop them! (hyuk) in front of me (hyuk) Have some fucking decorum people!
But the worst?
Absolute Fucking Worst?
(I caution you, if this has been unpleasant up to now, you will hate me afterwards)
Some people have no sense of boundaries.

OK
we were visiting my Grammy Betty. She lived up in the mountains in northern California.
They left my sister and I at a babysitter. I remember 3 things about this experience.
1) I had withe me a Harlem Globetrotters lunchbox that contained, among other things, oreos.
2) it hailed chunks of ice the size of golfballs. (or as I like to think of it, commercially produced meatballs, the kind you get in a giant bag at sam's club)
3) the woman was breastfeeding.

Lets discuss why I remember that last bit.
I was about 7. My sister about 3.
This woman was breastfeeding a baby in the livingroom.
She had a daughter about my age and her daughter had a friend over. She whipped the boob out to do her thing, which made me uncomfortable. ( I confess, I was pretty uptight at 7, I'm much cooler now) Then the daughter asked if she could have some and the mom said sure. Then the daughter offered it to the friend! And the friend was all
"oh milk from my best friends mom's boob? hells yeah!"
I was definitely in hyuk mode ...then she looked right at me and said, "you want to try?"
It was like I was in some kind of bad vampire movie.
Everybody seems all cool and everything then they are all like "hey we drink blood by the way, that's cool right?"
What The Fuck?
Personal Boundaries people!