the waffle story.

Sorry but you kind of gave me permission.

I'm an older brother. I think I have talked about this before. I wasn't always the sweetest to my little sister. She bugged me, I was annoyed by her very presence a lot of our childhood.
But.
I loved her.
I have always loved my sister fiercely. We survived a lot as kids and I adore her now.
But it was rocky at the start.
When they told me that there was another kid coming along I was resentful.
I had a good gig and I didn't see the need for another kid.
In a famous family story my mom came to talk to me (while I was watching TV ) about the impending baby and she asked what I thought would be a good baby name and I said, "I don't care! Name it Mazola!"
Yeah...our last name is Miller?
Mazola Miller?
I have to be honest......in hindsight?
That name would have been Awesome!
She could be a rapper right now instead of a stay at home mom.

So when we were kids I defended my sister With Extreme Prejudice.
(ask me about Royce)
But I also gave her miles of shit.
In my defense she was a bit trying for a person like me.
She has since come into her own, but as a kid she took the whole innocence thing too far sometimes as far as I was concerned. She was sweet and innocent and literal and it drove me batshit-crazy.
**editors note**
we talked about this and she freely admits she clung to glorious innocence for a very long time. I don't think I was ever as innocent as she was for a long long time. I Can't ever remember really believing in Santa Claus for example.
One time she was attempting to make orange juice from frozen concentrate and she was smacking the shit out of the bottom of the can. She was going at it like this concentrated O.J. owed her child support or something. My step dad couldn't take it any more and he said "use a spoon!" so I handed her a big ole wooden spoon and ...she started smacking the shit out of the can with the spoon.
We were required to eat an iceburg lettuce salad with every dinner.
Hyuk!
I cannot eat another one of those motherfuckers for the rest of my life. I don't care what it is, I'll take the soup, thanks. Put all the fried chicken and bacon you want on it I will punch you in the face rather than eat iceburg lettuce.
So every night we are have this iceburg nightmare and my sister takes the bottle of ranch dressing and smack smack smack GLORP ...she has a shitpile of ranch all the Fuck over her salad.
It's a ranch salad soup.
and Chrissy says.
"there."
and this of course drives me batshit angry.
So.
We have this relationship in which she bugs the hell out of me but I beat the everloving shit out of anybody that looks at her crosseyed. I thought at the time that it worked for us but in retrospect I was a bit of a dick to my sister.
(umm.... it made her a stronger person?)

SO I told you that to tell you this.
My stepdad would make waffles. Fresh homemade waffles. A pile of them.
Then whatever was left my sister and I would eat.
It was summer and I got up early to get a drink of water and I saw a plate of waffles, 8 or 10 of them. I thought to myself, "Ima have some waffles later!"
I got up an hour or 2 later...and there was one muthafuckin' waffle!
Chrissy and Deanna ate my damn waffles!
We didn't have this expression at the time but ...WTF?
So I'm standing there in the kitchen.
We had a long galley style kitchen and we are on either side of it.... showdown style. Like Sergio Leone was blocking out this shit.
I see that there is one waffle.
I look at the lonely waffle.
I look at my sister.
"Where the fuck are the waffles?"
She gives a little shrug like "whatchoo gonna do?"
I make a "imma stomp you" kind of gesture and she makes a
"Pshh you ain't doin' shit" kind of gesture.
I do a little surge towards her like I will come over there and beat her ass...and she shrugs like 'whateveah'......

Here's the thing...I don't think for a second my little sis thought I could rack my angry brain for a weapon to demolish her with and come up with a ........fucking flying waffle as a reasonable alternative.
Projectile waffle?

Who does that
Really, honestly?
But I did.

So i picked up that lonely waffle and threw it with great vengeance and furious anger.
How could she have anticipated that when looking for an airborn weapon I would choose a delicious undressed waffle?
(for the record, nobody has ever been able to accuse me of throwing a syruped waffle)
So.
I grabbed that waffle and I threw it.
(oh did you know that at the time I was on the water polo team and therefore very well versed in the art of throwing things? Yeah!)
Ok.
So i deploy the waffle and it travels at enormous velocity down the length of the kitchen and then....
Impacts Christina's face with a glorious ....

how do I describe the sound?
flop
kerblap
fwop
plap
shaplow
plap
sha-plap.....

I don't know. I feel all Suesian...
But it was the most incredible sound mine ears have ever beheard.
She shrieked, hopped and ran out of the room.
I told her friend Deanna (who she may have been showing off for? ) that she may want to head home.

The best part ?
(aside from the glorious, inexplicable sound?)
was that when my mom got home we both shouted at her about the event and she handed down a ruling to the effect of "both of you leave me the fuck alone!!"

Look I know that this makes me seem like a real dick to my little sister, but you have to understand, at this point in our lives......
I was her protector, mentor and caregiver...and she ate my motherfucking waffles!
Shit had to be handled.
This act of aggression could not stand.